Saturday, December 28, 2013

When is Controversy too Much?

When you are a writer you wonder sometimes, especially in an online forum, when are you revealing too much about yourself?

So I wrote a post that was too controversial for me and I was uncomfortable with it, so I deleted it.  I know a few people read it, and that's OK.  I guess my question is how much can I reveal on a blog without at some point just feeling like I'm standing naked in front of the crowd?

I don't walk around naked, so why would I talk around naked, so to speak.  Why would I write naked?  A good friend of mine told me I need to have a shell, maybe like a candy shell, so that I can protect myself.  I don't want to say anything that hurts me or hurts other people.  I want to speak my truth without revealing the innermost vulnerabilities of my heart.

It's a difficult balance.

Don't worry, I'm not celebrity yet, but my blog is catching on and I get more hits every day.  I wonder though, where do I draw the line?  I know the public is not my friend, they are not out to protect me or love me or support me.  They are simply reading what I write for God knows what reason.  It could be that they are bored at work, bored at home, ultimately amused by me, or they stumbled upon this by accident.  Who knows.

The point is I got really nervous when I posted the blog post that I deleted.  It was a feeling of sheer fear.  I was scared that I was going to be judged.  Judged by people I don't know and by people I know.  I was scared that they were going to make assumptions about me.

Then there is the thing about being Indian, dealing with the Indian community. I'm part of a community that tends to be very inquisitive gossipy and judgmental. 

The truth is I can be very inquisitive and judgmental about myself.  I want to know who I am and I'm not always comfortable with who I am and I don't always want to publicly announce it.

It's hard being in the public eye sort of, cause I'm not at the phase where I'm so famous that I don't give a shit what people think of me because they are paying me regardless of what they think.  I'm not even remotely getting paid or famous. 

But the Internet is so quick and fast and you can make a mistake really quickly, it can go viral in seconds.  It's hard to have a personal online presence where you where your heart on your sleeve.  

So what should I do?

I gotta be real, I got to be careful, I got to be smart.  

But I'm gonna make mistakes, say things I should not say and maybe have regrets.

That's part of this game, part of this profession, part of this new media.

We don't know exactly how to navigate this new way we have sort of a public presence on Facebook etc.  We are all in this together.  So please be patient with me, know that I'm as confused by all this, in a way I sort of don't know what I'm doing.  In a way I do.   

There is a part of me that feels like a coward because I can't read my diary out loud, but there are things that are ours to own and not necessarily share.  

So I will let the world get to know me, in parts and in ways.  I will try not to offend and I will try hard not to make myself uncomfortable with what I reveal.  

I hope this works out.       

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