Monday, December 23, 2013

Manic Mondays and Other Random Thoughts

The thing is...I hate Mondays.  I'm on vacation right now and I still hate Mondays.  It's like some sort of conspiracy or something, it's the get up and go day.  It's the day after the day of rest.  Just Another Manic Monday.

Isn't it funny how we assign feelings to days of the week.  I mean Saturday has to be my favorite because I always have fun on Saturdays.  Sunday's nice because I rest after the fun.  Friday's cool because that night the fun begins.  Thursday means Friday is around the corner.  And Wednesday means the week is half over.  I have nothing to say about Tuesday except that it's not Monday.  

A lot of it is about work being over and fun beginning.

A lot of it has to do with me not being alive in the moment.  The moment of Monday especially.

I mean I want to really suck the marrow out of life, so to speak.  But how can I do that when I spend so much time looking forward to the weekend, hating the week, etc.?

Time is an interesting phenomena, there are those who claim it is a figment of our imagination.  There is practical time, like when you put your alarm clock on.  But the thing is, tomorrow and yesterday are figments of our imagination.  Only right now really exists.

What does that mean?

It means just that, there is now, and then it's gone, and there is more now.  The past happened in the now and the future will happen in the now.

But that doesn't change things, I was thinner and stupider in the past.  Now I'm different.

In the future I'll be different.

However if there is no future, then I'm the same.  There is a thread.  I'm the same person from birth until death, however I still change.

But I wonder if I'm always the same in this way.  Like for instance two people told me I sound a bit manic in my writing.  I do in fact have Bipolar Disorder. I know the two people who made the comment very well and they know me well.  I asked a couple other people and they said I don't sound insane at all, I also know those people very well.  The reason I bring this up is because I was once manic or "insane" and I'm now medicated.  However will the insanity always be a part of me.  Will it show up in other ways?  Will it be there for all of time?

As Seal once said, "Oh we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy."  I mean is there just a an innate part of me that's a little wild, a little manic?

I'm gonna be honest, I think there will always be a part of me that waves up and down, my very self, my feelings move in waves, if that makes any sense.  And sometimes I'm happy to be sad and sad to be happy.

I'm a little different, I'll admit it, I have a strangeness about me.  I like to think of it as a uniqueness.  Let's call a spade a spade, I'm weird.  I'm not exactly bat shit crazy, but I have been.  It's a part of me, of who I am essentially.

Now where does this, and how does this fit with Mondays?  People these are my thoughts and today I'm leaving them as random as they came in my head.  I want you to find the string that connects these thoughts together for a moment.  I want you to feel like what it's like to be me.

You may be like me, you may not.  You may be amused by me, you may not.  You know what, I am what I am.  I'm a little off sometimes, I'm not always gonna be on point.  Everyone has an opinion.  And we both are allowed to have that opinion.  I live in a country and a world, cause believe it or not there are people in Serbia and Thailand reading this, in which I can express my opinions freely.  So I'm allowed to be me.

If you know me as a person, you know that I can be a riot and I can be thoughtful and be lazy and crazy.  If you don't know me, you might just know what I convey through this blog.  And what is that?  Sometimes I don't make sense, sometimes I do.  Sometimes you feel like a nut...sometimes you don't.

I mean that might be a motto of mine.

But let's be serious.  I'm mad.  Both crazy and angry.  I'm mad that I have to justify my existence.  I'm the manner that I'm a little insane.  It's a simple fact about me.

What does it mean exactly that I'm a little, let's say excitable?  It just means I'm not normal.  And thank god for that because most people live lives of quiet desperation, I forgot who said that.  I might not be a regular person but I am grateful for who I am.  I hope you are grateful for who you are, whether you're crazy or not.

The only difference between you and me may be that I know I'm crazy.     

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