I won't date a guy again if he doesn't pay for the first date and I call myself a feminist. What is that about? I don't expect men to pay all the time, not even the second time, just on the first date. It's a little kindness.
Does it mean I'm proclaiming that I'm weaker and need of financial assistance? No. I just think it's nice. I don't think it's some sort of symbol of patriarchy, I just think people should do nice things for each other.
I think chivalry to me means something different than it does to other people. I think we should be chivalrous to older people and kids. We should be extra kind to them, because it's a nice thing to do. Not because they are weaker, but because we acknowledge that in our society we have more power than they do.
Should women chivalrous be to men? Sure, I think that women should show little kindnesses to men as well. Does the kindness have to be cooking for them or doing their laundry or other traditionally "female" tasks? No. It can be buying them something or in fact paying for dinner or opening their door.
I think we should be chivalrous to strangers, like sometimes paying for the person who is behind us. Or opening the door for them.
What happened to human kindness? Why is it debatable?
So is it ridiculous for me to not go out again with a guy who does not insist on paying for the first date? Trust me, I always insist, and I have paid for first dates. But personally maybe I think the guy should in some way make up for the fact that he makes more money on the dollar than I do. Maybe he should have to compensate for the fact that I risk my very life by stepping into a room alone with him, because he is stronger than me and could rape me.
I need him to be extra kind to me because in general I'm a little scared of men I've just met. They could hurt me. They could potentially pay for dinner and still mutilate my body, but to me the paying for dinner signifies that they are saying something about our imbalance in society. They are saying "I know" i know there is a difference in society in the way we treated, what opportunities we get etc. They are not saying, "I am Tarzan you are Jane." Or "You are weaker and I'm stronger."
I mean there are men who are saying the Tarzan bit but those men will say it in other ways as well. They are the men that beat women. So how do you tell them apart?
You gotta trust your instincts. My intuition tells me that if I go out to dinner with any stranger, I usually offer to pay. It's the truth. And I believe they should offer as well. I'm being genuine and will often pay for a meal of someone I just met. If we are old friends and just meeting after a long time, I will also offer to pay.
I don't even have any money people, once I do, I will offer to pay more and more. But with a guy, on a first date, if he doesn't acknowledge that we are strangers, I'm trusting him enough to sit at a table with someone who could over-power me physically, I may even step into his car, then I think he doesn't get that I'm doing him a kindness by trusting him.
Does that mean that I should think it is extremely kind of him not to objectify or rape me? No. It means that there is an inherent kindness in offering to pay for anyone's meal, on insisting. Especially when that person is literally risking their life by going on a date with them.
Am I being overly dramatic. I don't think so. Date rape is so common it's ridiculous.
Whether or not a guy pays for a meal, he could rape you. But when he pays to me he is saying thank you for trusting me and taking the time to get to know me because my kind, i.e. other men, have made a bad impression in society. They have pillaged and raped and beaten women, I want to say, thank you for taking the time out to get to know someone who comes from that club.
He is saying: We are not all like this.