Wednesday, September 30, 2015

You are a Badass

Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.
So I stared reading self-help books. Yeah, I know, I know they are usually cliche and rarely change you in any way.  I think there is a caveat to that rule though...I think you can change if you really want to change regardless of whether or not you are reading self-help literature.

Well, I wasn't exactly looking to go the self-help route, but I needed something to pick me up and get me going. So I picked up this book called, "YOU are a BADASS-How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start living an Awesome Life," by Jen Sincero. 

Yes, I judged the book by it's cover.  But it wasn't just the title, in the self-help world, the language can be really cliche and quite frankly very condescending. Sincero speaks my language.

Sometimes she uses foul language, but she does not do it for no reason. She makes her points by speaking from the heart. I'm not even done with the book, but I'm ready to jump start my life. I'm trying to figure out how to make money doing this blogging thing. Lots of people are making lots of money blogging, so why can't I be one of them?

But really this whole thing is about something bigger, it's about channeling your inner goddess or source to become the person you were meant to be. I mean honestly, are you happy? Are you living the life you were meant to live?

Maybe you are, and hats off to you. However most of us are getting by. I'm not saying this book will save your life, I'm saying it's time to save your life. Someone once said that "Most people live lives of quiet desperation."

I don't know about you, but I don't want to be one of those people. 

Maybe this has something to do with the fact that I'm turning forty, but I feel like I'm a crossroads in my life. I know for my career I want to make money writing and I want to teach/speak. 

Are you doing what you want in life? All I can say is that there is no time like the present to evaluate that. It's not just about my career. It's about my personal life as well. 

At this point in life it would be nice to have a partner. But I guess I have to feel like I'm worthy of having a wonderful person in my life. 

The idea of manifesting things in your life, or getting the things you want out of your life is simple: believe you can have them. 

I believe I can become a famous author, I believe I can meet a 'soul mate' and live a beautiful life. It's saying things like this in my head that will help me. Affirmations, or saying positive things over and over again, actually works. Or so they say.

I'm gonna try this whole positive thinking thing. I'm gonna see if I can make it work for me, because thus far negative thinking hasn't gotten me very far. 

What about you, would you like to join on my on this journey of self-actualization? If not, that's OK, however if you do want to change the way things are in your life, my advice is to find a path to do so. Maybe a book, maybe a coaching program etc. There are a lot of different paths that lead to the same goal. 

In the end I think it's about loving yourself enough to give yourself the life you deserve.


image courtesy of Stuart Miles at

Monday, September 28, 2015

Truly Sweetheart

Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion. 
--Scott Adams

So I virtually meet this guy online, his handle on the website is Truly Sweetheart.  Yup, that should have been my first clue. I don't remember that much about his profile except that he claimed that out of all the men out there, he was a good guy. 

He was alright looking as well, so I pinged him. We messaged a bit with the crappy messenger on the website and I asked him if he wanted to talk on the phone sometime instead of using the crappy system. And also I like to talk to guys before I meet them.

He told me that he had been stalked before and he could not give me his phone number. OK, I thought. But he was insistent that we video chat. I agreed even though I hadn't showered yet and I looked like crap. 

So I suggest various methods of video chatting, it takes him nearly an hour to figure out how to video chat with me. Even I, a very novice computer user was getting annoyed. 

So finally we video chat. He has a thick European accent, so I ask him where he is from. He is a Palestinian Jew. I find that kinda interesting.  The part that throws me off is that he lives with random family members and he works for a call center. 

I don't know why he just didn't seem my cup of tea. However, he suggests that we meet and I agree anyways, what's the harm I think. 

However, after our video chat I decide that I like this other guy I've been chatting with a whole lot better, and don't want to meet Truly Sweetheart anymore.

I email him that I'm seeing someone else. 

He writes me an insane email back, saying that there was no way humanely possible that I could have met someone in twenty four hours, that I was playing him a fool, probably didn't like his accent and am what he called, "a fucking racist."

He called me a racist and then had the gaul to say "You know what...go fuck yourself, Indian bitch...boy am I glad I didn't have to meet you in person...Would not want to be part of the East Indian bullshit."

I don't know if anyone has ever really said anything that blatantly racist to me before. I would think that a Palestinian Jew might understand a thing or two about racism. 

What scares me is that besides his sketchy living situation and his less then desirable job, he seemed like a nice guy. He told me that I was interesting and pretty. He laid it on thick.

I understand that sometimes immigrants are more racist than Americans, but is that even true? How many people out there are thinking the same thing he is?

When you think about how much hate there is for immigrants in general, ironically, I think there are a lot more people who share this vision that when you get upset with someone, it must be their race that is the reason they are upsetting you.

If I'm a bitch, I'm just a bitch, I'm not an "Indian bitch." Just like I don't think of this dude as a Jewish bastard, I just think he is a bastard. 

This guy is a minority from a war stricken country where the main problem is religious and ethnic racism, and he has come here spreading hate.

For the record I don't think he should go back to his own country, because I think it doesn't matter where you spread racism. I don't think I live in a racist country, I think I live in a racist world. 

This problem is obviously bigger than America and Americans. What's funny is I just recently met a Jewish guy who claims that Indians and Jews are so much alike. 

In some ways we are, but aren't we all sort of alike? I'm a Sikh, a minority everywhere, he's a Jew, a minority everywhere as well. 

I hate to sound cliche but, "Why can't we all just get along?"


image courtesy of Stuart Miles at

Saturday, September 26, 2015

The Worst Day of My Life...

“Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.” 
― J.K. Rowling

Have I told you this story before? I don't think I have. It still feels so raw to me, like it happened yesterday...but it was a while ago.

It was when I hit rock bottom. 

This is the worst I have ever felt in my entire life.

I was in the hospital due to a manic episode because I was not taking my Bipolar medication. They gave me a medication, Haldol, and I received the worst side effects imaginable. I became psychosomatically paralyzed. I could not move my body. One of the side effects is Parkinson's like symptoms. However no one realized that this was a side effect and they just thought I was truly losing my mind and body.

For a few days of my life I could not feed myself, dress myself, or go to the bathroom by myself. And I was in a wheelchair. I know there are people who live like this always, and I honestly cannot tell you the extent to which we could learn from them. When you have to ask a friend to feed you because the nurse refuses, thinks you are faking it, as your hands are shaking, you know that this new "friend" is someone to remember. But I don't remember her name, I remember her face though. I will never forget her gentle hands as she spooned food into my mouth.

When you can't function for yourself, there is a certain intimacy you feel for those around you who help. There is a gratefulness, a humility. 

I'm gonna be straight up honest, if you have to ask someone to wipe your ass, and they actually do it, it changes both of you. The nurse I had didn't want to do it but she could clearly see I couldn't. I have never felt so desperate, so mortified as I did at that moment.

If the tables ever turn and I have to do this for someone else, I will know what a sensitive and honorable gift this is.  

One night I had somehow crawled to the bathroom, and I lay there underneath the cold toilet, because I could not hoist myself up. It was the middle of the night and no one was there to help me. As I lay there, I looked at the toilet and I looked at the ceiling. I remember the dirty floor beneath me.

I had a little talk with god or the universe, or the source in my head. Whatever you want to call her. I told her that if she could get me out of this, I would do everything, anything she wanted me to do. That if I could just get out of this, I could do anything. I would be true, whatever the hell that meant. I would do the right thing, whatever that means. I would do what I came here on this earth to do, whatever that is.  

Low and behold a few days later the drug wore off and I could walk again. 

It's been many years now, and sometimes I think I forget what it was like to be paralyzed for that short period of time. But one thing I did not forget was the promise I made in that bathroom. I wait sometimes, listening to my own self, my own heart, waiting for a sign from god that is going to tell me exactly what she wants me to do.

Most of it is silence, and I think I get it now. She doesn't want me to forget. Compared to that person lying underneath that toilet, I have everything now. And I still don't know it. 

Since this episode there have been times I have been depressed and "paralyzed" in my bed. However even in these times, what I didn't realize is that I could move. I am lucky...

I have the ability to dance, and I'm sitting it out half of the time. Is god going to tell me exactly what she wants me to do now that I promised I would do it? Probably not.

She will show me, as she always has. I've decided that the only thing god wants from me is to live, really move this body and mind, really live. What does that mean? It means experiencing the beauty of life while being myself.  

Maybe you are reading this because she wants the same for you.


Image courtesy of Photokanok at