Thursday, December 26, 2013

Do You Think I'm Pretty?

Let me tell you a story...When I was like twelve, I was overweight and let's be real, not very attractive.  I was kind of nerdy, but I had a sense of wonder and laughter that really attracted some people to me, some people who I still consider my best friends.  I was an insecure little girl, but I had a sense of humor and an intelligence that carried me through that time of my life. 

Well when I turned like I think it was fourteen, I lost some weight and stopped dressing in baggy clothes and put some make-up on and suddenly I was pretty in the traditional sense.  I got unwanted attention from men who were older than me and even a teacher.  But I also got the attention from some boys that I wanted attention from.

Truthfully I became egotistical about my looks and felt I was on top of the world in a way.  Although I knew I was more than my looks and I didn't know I was more than my looks.  My self worth got scarily attached to this new found beauty.  I don't have pictures to show you this, because I've always looked horrible in pictures, you are gonna have to trust me on this one.

Then when I turned like sixteen I got a bad case of adolescent acne, probably because I was wearing very unnatural make up and using really unnatural products on my face mixed with excessive hot water, I have extremely sensitive skin and didn't realize I was damaging it.

I suddenly felt my self worth go down the toilet but I still had my writing, and I clung to that, and tried to cling to anything about me that I could find in order to find something to feel worthy about.  My sense of fun and my depth kicked in again.     

I felt ashamed of my face for a whole year or so.  Then after that bout of severe acne, I had a little bit of sensitivity and some zits, but generally I felt OKish about my looks.  I had red marks on my skin from the acne which I would cover up with make-up and was very embarrassed about.  But from the age of like 17 on I started to feel relatively attractive again, I had gained a little weight but nothing to write home about.  But I started to value myself as a person, as a real strong woman.

When I was in college I felt I could really start to be me, but I was a prude at that time when I first entered college.  I was shy around guys and didn't dress sexy at all and gained and lost weight again and again.  Then farther into my college years I became more comfortable with my looks but never really had a boyfriend because I was uncomfortable around men, I didn't like the way I felt they in some way objectified me.  I wanted a guy to like me for me, but I was too shy to show who I really was.  Imagine me, too shy.  I know.  But the thing was my intellectual pursuits and my creative writing pursuits were extremely important to me, my pursuit of the opposite sex confused me.

Then after college I had a boyfriend who loved me loved my body even though I was a little overweight, and loved my face with or without make-up on.  He actually loved me.  The real me in a way I had never experienced before.  He loved my thoughts and my ideas and my writing.  He made me feel like I was lovable, but that relationship went down the drain because I didn't love him, and that's the truth.

After college I had some unwanted experiences with men who were older than me, and that's all I have to say about that.  I think I became scared of what impact my looks had on men who were bad.  I started to get panic attacks.  Then I gained some more weight.

I did date and had a couple relationships after that, but I felt uncomfortable with my body.  I felt like I was attractive, but not attractive enough.  I wasn't comfortable with my body in intimate situations.  Then during the course of the last seven years I've gained a significant amount of weight.

You wanna know what's happened to me?  I see the way people don't look at me, especially men.  I have to be someone, I've got to be my flamboyant and fabulous self in order to get attention from men.  I can't just sit and look pretty.  I'm not shy anymore.  I mean after college I kind of lost that shyness, but I really don't give a shit anymore.  I mean I come on the Internet and bear my soul.  So much for shyness.

My worth is no longer based on the way that I look.  Yeah I know I don't look as physically attractive as I used to.  And truthfully it does bother me and I want to do something about it.  I've been told I have a pretty face, but in a society like ours it can only get you so far.

It's quite possible that I'm afraid to be attractive because of a few bad experiences that I've had.  It's possible I gained this weight due to a difficult life mixed with bad experiences with a couple of men.  But it has made me a better person.  I swear to god I ain't makin' this up.  It's not about having a lesson at the end of a story.  I'm actually a better person.  I don't have as much of an ego.  At some points in my life I thought I was hot shit.  I just don't think in that way anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I want to be attractive, more attractive than I am now.  But at this point if someone doesn't love me for who I truly am, regardless of my weight, than I'm not in.

I want to feel pretty again, I do.  This older married man who I believe sort of had a crush on me in some kind of way recently said to me, "Pretty is as pretty does."  He was married, but I appreciate the fact that he appreciated me for who I am.

I'm beautiful.

Don't hate me.  


1 comment:

  1. are one of the most beautiful people I're lovely and so affectionate.You are very pretty and have so much going for you....lovely skin,gokrgeous hair,an inviting smile and totally ego are not your weight and it is not you!