Thursday, December 19, 2013

Can You Really See Yourself?

My father once said to me " I want to volunteer to go to Mars!" The man won't go to Kroger but he wants to hitchhike in space.  

My father is blind.  

He's been totally blind for many years now, and he's made me see things.  If that man thinks there must be a better planet to live on, it's because this one leaves much to be desired especially for those who are different.

The truth is Mars needs him.  Everyone needs someone who is able to see through things to see what they really are.

I worship my Daddy.  

I mean I was having a bad day the other day and it occurred to me out of nowhere: I'm not in the dark.  I have 20/20 vision in fact.  I have too much in fact.

He has a genetic disease and at one point in my life I was tested for it.  For that whole day before I got the results, I imagined going blind.  Who would I be then?  Who would love me?  What would life be like?  

Those are the real questions.  My father's life addresses the real truth about humanity.  The truth about who we are.

Once my dad was in the hospital many years ago and I said to my shrink, "I'm worried that my father is gonna die."  You know what he said to me, "Your father is gonna day."

That's the thing isn't it?  My father is gonna die, my best friends are gonna die, and I'm gonna die.  We are all going to be made invisible.  But I'm invisible to him right now, and I'm everything to him.

So the question is, how do I deal with the fact that the most wonderful man I know will one day be gone?  He's never seen me as an adult, he went blind before that.  But he knows me in a way no one else does.  He only knows my insides.

I have a special relationship with my father.  It's extraordinary.  I tell him about dating and some of my secrets.  He guides me about the big and small things.  When I was depressed, he woke me up every morning.  He couldn't see the sunshine but he forced me to look at it.

There is a thing in Eastern philosophy about attachment, attachment to things and people who are transient.  I'm attached to his form but he will still be there when I can't see him.  He sees my essence, maybe my soul.  He forces me to look at it.

I believe in reincarnation and I've always thought I've known my father from a past life.  And I believe he will see me in another life, even if it's the afterlife.  

He never judged me when I had adolescent acne or when I gained weight.  To him I'm beautiful and though I think every father thinks their daughter is beautiful, I think he knows me in a way that others don't.  I think he values who I really am in a unique way.

My mother takes care of my father in every way possible.  There is a possibility one day I will be the one taking care of him and I don't mind a bit.  He worked while he was blind to put me through school and give me all the opportunities of life. He didn't want my life to be limited because his was "limited."

He is my hero.  

So if he wants to go to Mars, I understand.  I support his need to escape this limited world.  He could see for fifty years of his life, and now the physical beauty of life has been taken from him.  

Yet he taught me, that I'm more than this appearance, this body.  That I'm someone.  

It's funny I can't see you and you can't see me, but we have created this relationship through words and thoughts and ideas.  It's much like the relationship I have with my father.  The only difference is he loves me unconditionally.

He's a gentle soul and a spiritual man.  I can only dream of aspiring to be like him one day.  

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