Monday, June 30, 2014

Love and Marriage

Today's my parents 42nd anniversary.  It makes me wonder what marriage really is.  They had an arranged marriage and somehow stayed together for more than forty years.  I know people who dated for  almost a decade and then got a divorce. So what does marriage mean?

Do you remember the Bundy's on "Married with Children?"  It was a farce that created controversy I think mostly because it represented some exaggerated form of truth.  The truth always hurts, and the Bundy's were no exception.  

I once wrote about how gay people should have the right to marry because they have unalienable right to the pursuit of unhappiness.  Like the rest of us they should be allowed to pledge their love to someone and then get sick of them.  

There is half of me that wants to get married because I want someone to have to jump through hoops and really think about it before they end our relationship. The other half of me thinks why do I need a legal document to keep someone around?  If they want to leave they should be free.  If I want to leave I should be free.

Then I think about my parents, what if one of them jumped ship when the going got tough?  Life is hard.  Sometimes it just straight out sucks.  But if you ask my dad he will tell you about the word commitment.  I don't know if I completely buy it but he believes when you promise someone the world, then you keep your promise.  

I mean I have trouble committing to a T.V. show for an entire season, much less committing to a partner until death do us part.  I don't think people should stay together if they don't like each other anymore.  But apparently every couple can hate each other at some point and time.

You know what I hate, I hate being alone!

But my friend polled ten of her married friends and none of them would have gotten married had they had the choice again.  Really?

I think people come into your life for a period of time to give you an experience and then they are done and you are done.  I hate to be a skeptic especially on the day that my parents are celebrating over forty years.  I don't wish for a moment that they had broken up, I'm glad they stayed together.

But I'm not sure I believe in happily ever after for myself.  I would love to think that one man is gonna do it for me and we are going to be together until he or I bites it.  The truth is I know people grow apart, I've changed so much in the last ten years that if I had stayed with the boyfriend I had ten years ago, I think I would be miserable.

Maybe forever is for some people and not for others.  Maybe when I find "true love" I will change my tune.  But I can't help but think that if Romeo and Juliet had lived they would have grown apart.

What's funny is generally I'm a romantic.  This bullshit that I'm spewing is actually romance in this day and age. 

Look I may not be one to talk about this in an rational manner because I can't even get a date for Saturday night much less a husband who will stay with me for eternity.  I mean I did meet a nice guy and we will see what will happen...

I do believe in soul mates, but I believe we have a bunch of them.  I used to think there was only one, but I don't know about that anymore.   

Do I want to get married?  Yeah pretty much.  Do I think it will last forever?  Honestly I don't know.  Then why do I want to get married?  Because I like diamonds and I like the idea of a family and I like love.  

I know you don't have to be married to have all that...but it sort of seals the deal.  The deal is marriage began as a way to own women, now it's sort of a way for men and women to own each other.  

In any case I have to own myself first, before I can let another think about possessing me.  


Sunday, June 29, 2014

Forever Young...

Do you ever wonder if you are really young at heart?  I mean I'm young but I'm not as young as I used to be five years ago or five minutes ago.  But as a dear friend said to me, "I will never be as young as I am at this moment."

I don't know exactly why we want to be so young.  I mean do you remember yourself like ten or fifteen years ago?  Do you remember some of the stupid things you did?  I mean I'm not saying the younger you are the stupider you are, but I am kinda saying that aren't I?

When I'm fifty I will think it was kinda dumb to worry about the things that I worry about now.  But when I'm fifty I will wish sometimes that I was thirty-eight.  When you really look at it closely I have somehow kept myself alive for thirty-eight years.  That in itself is sort of magical.  

I mean if we are all animals, which in a a great sense we are, we have somehow managed to feed and shelter and clothe ourselves for X amount of years.  That in itself is amazing.  On top of it we have managed to get educations and jobs and marriages and kids etc.  

They say youth is wasted on the young, but is it really?  When I was like thirteen I went on a diet and I wanted some cookies.  I decided I could not afford those cookies so I tried to throw them up.  I couldn't make myself throw up for some reason, I believe at that moment I was saved from a bout of bulimia.  I probably would have kept throwing up everyday if I could at that time in my life. I was that stupid. 

I was that young.  I didn't even know there was a name for that.   

But you don't have to be young to be stupid, there are a lot of people who are older who do things worse than throwing up their food.  They drink themselves to death.  When I was in college we used to drink a lot more than I drink now.   If I met people now who drank as much as the people I met in college, I would think they were crazy.  Back then I just thought they were having fun.

To a great amount of young people smoking pot and drinking is the only way to have fun.  Sometimes it takes getting older to realize there is more to life than that.  Unfortunately for some, they never get over it and they can't laugh without a substance.  I think that's kinda sad.  Is it 'cause I'm too old to understand?

Now that I'm in my late thirties, I laugh like I did when I was in preschool without the assistance of any substance.  I literally sometimes laugh to the point of crying, just by joking around.  I remember laughing that hard in preschool and getting in trouble for not taking school seriously.  Is my laughing young, or is it old?

Maybe it is timeless. Maybe we are timeless.  Maybe sometimes when we act like kids and play, we are wise enough to know that there is beauty in that.  

When I was in my twenties I was thinner than I am now and got more attention from men.  But I was waaay more insecure about my very self at that time.  I always worried that people didn't really like me.  Now that I'm older I worry that I won't like other people.  If you don't like me, than don't like me.  I don't care.  I used to care what others thought of me, now I care what I think of others.

I don't necessarily think life is a school.  I think it is an experience. I think in our heart of hearts there is a priceless wisdom that knows everything.  If we tap into our intuition we will probably hit that wisdom.  Kids seem to have it and they haven't been to college yet, but some of them know how to just be.  To be happy.

We unlearn a lot as we get older.  But most of all we experience a lot and sometimes that leads to unhappiness, and sometimes it leads to a wisdom that happiness can only be found by understanding our timeless nature.

We are not young or old, we just are.  Who knows how many thousands of billions of trillions of years our souls have been alive.  We are made, at least I think, of the substance of god, and he was never not alive.  

I  mean I know we think of god as an old guy, but imagine if we pull the curtain and he's a kid.  Laughing his ass off.  Playing a video game called Earth.  He's playing us.  This is his game, he plays Earth for fun.  When you play a video game, you don't care if your avatars are young, old, or even if they die.  You just play another round.  

So if we are characters is god's video game, or movie, or book, let's realize that's it's just that, a game.  Maybe we came here to enjoy ourselves.  I doubt we came here to suffer.  

I suffered internally a lot more when I was younger.  I have bigger worries now it is true, but I don't suffer about the little stuff as much.  Am I a kid at heart or am I an old soul?

Who knows, I just want to live.  At the end of my days, when there is no doubt that I'm damn old, I want to say that I lived.  That I was young and sometimes I was old.  Either way, it had nothing to do with how many years my age was, it had to do with my state of mind.  Sometimes I didn't have a care in the world, like a kid playing pretend. Sometimes I understood everything, like an old man playing chess. 

Either way, I'm just playing here.  My real self has no age.  

I'm not going to get into the fact that there is no such thing as time, because I have issues comprehending that myself.  But I believe it.  If Now is the only moment and there is no time, than what the fuck are you worried about right now?  Tell me, do you really have time for it?


Thursday, June 26, 2014

Let's not Talk about Sex Baby...

I always wanted to be like Sarah Jessica Parker in "Sex In the City."  I thought I could write about sex but I can't. Not this way, on the Interwebs.  I mean I truly and really want to write about sex I do.  But there is this prudish, Indian girl mentality that I cannot get over.  I scene out sex in my novel, but that's different somehow.  It's not the evil Internet.  I'm not sure if anyone will buy the book, but everyone can read the Internet.  

And a novel is fiction, it's not about me.  This blog is glaringly about my very body and soul and sometimes my mind.  This is me.

So can I eloquently talk around the subject of sex?  I don't know, can you?

I'm not even sure why I brought this up...the thing why is there all this pressure to not be a slut for a woman, whether you are Indian or not? Women have to worry about not being perceived as a whore while men have to worry about how many women they can conquer.  

It's all a mess...

I don't particularly want to be a good girl, or a bad girl, I want to be a woman.  I want to be all that that encompasses.  I'm tired of being judged or judging myself.

It's not that I need to blog about it, but how comfortable am I with the act of sex itself?  I mean is all of society controlling my brain in the bedroom?

This guy I'm talking to recently told me that I'm kind of a prude, and I don't disagree.  I mean we were just texting and he wasn't even suggesting that we sext, but there was something about my tone that suggested to him that I was not fully free.

I'm not sure what it means to be sexually free.

I don't want to talk particulars here, because apparently I'm prudish.  The real question is can I love my own damn body?  Can I let someone else love it?

I'd love to, but how?  I know I know, look in the mirror naked and scream "I love you!" until you mean it!  I mean I've never done that...I'm gonna try it and I will let you know what happens.  I'm willing to try anything these days.

Look I don't particularly want to be like hippie sexually free, like dancing in the woods naked and having sex with a bunch of people. (Not that there's anything wrong with that).  What I really want is to have a monogamous relationship with some spice is all.

I think I had to put the monogamy piece in there so that I don't seem like a hussy.   Why am I so worried about that label?  I'm not worried people will think I'm bat shit nuts or anything else, but if you comprise my sexual integrity that's where I draw the line.  Why?

Because we live in a society where a woman's sexual conduct will always be on the table for judgement.  It's sick.  It's wrong.  But I'm not gonna say I haven't called a fellow female a whore.

We are all guilty here, women included.  My mother and I cannot, do not and will not talk about sex.  We never will and I don't want to.  

But maybe that's too bad.  I'm very close to my father, but he would be shocked and find it deplorable that I would blog about sex.  We obviously never talk about it.

I usually go to my soul sisters for sexual advice.  And we have been known to judge a sister and we may have judged her for doing something we would "never" do. But who are we to judge?  

People should be able to play the way they want to play. 

And usually the ones who are judging are not getting any themselves.


Image courtesy of digitalart/

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Nina's got a gun...

This is something I did not want to write about, but I was conned into it by my own thoughts.  So here I am looking controversy in the face and not minding much...

It all started when for some unknown reason I had, "Janie's Got a Gun," in my head.  So I'm sitting in the waiting room of the doctor's office humming the tune in my mind and I'm thinking to myself, wow I'm bored!

I mean the news is on and that's always a real upper!  All I'm thinking is, hmmm what are the chances there was another school shooting?  See I'm gonna be a teacher, maybe even a professor.  School shootings are not just a news item for me.  Am I gonna think about being shot when I give out failing grades or detentions?  I was doing student teaching and I succinctly remember this one kid looked me in the eye, after throwing a desk in my class and said, "It's because of YOU that I'm suspended."  He had had several infractions before my classroom incident.  

But today it seems the real shootings are happening in another part of the world.  Things are happening in Iraq, I don't know what it all means.  Why don't I know anything about the world?  I want the news people to stop talking so badly, giving the world such a bad name.

You'd think the planet was just full of monsters.  If some alien country only got access to our news they would think that we are a bunch of violent idiots.  How far away are we from this notion?

I don't actually want to talk about guns, guns are for amateurs.  You really want to kill someone's soul, make them watch CNN for twenty four hours straight.  In fact besides the comedy news, American news is frankly an embarrassment to our country. 

Why isn't the fact that we have enough food in this country to feed everyone, but we choose not to, on the news? Instead we have enough bombs to blow up the world thousands of times over, but the real threat to our country's welfare are those who are on welfare.  In fact there are those believe that if we take away money for the poor and make more guns and bombs, we will be safer and better off.

Wow.  And these people went to school and stuff.  Look I don't want to turn off the one or two conservative readers that I may have, but the 2nd Amendment was written during the time when slaves were considered 3/5's of a person.  What exactly does that say about the timelessness of our constitution?  

I don't know 'bout you, but I was once in a room with a loaded gun, alone.  And I thought to myself, if I got really angry or crazy or I don't know...I was scared of that gun.  I thought it was gonna shoot me.  It was in my hands and I put it down.  I didn't feel right in that room and I had to leave.  

The truth:  I didn't trust myself with that thing.  

Not because I'm crazy or out of control or anything like that.  I have never been violent, I can't even watch boxing.  But that gun sort of changed the nature of my existence in that room.  It changed the game.  I have never slit my wrists or anything like that...I'm not a fan of pain... but what if on my worst day, in my worst depression I had a gun like that?  I mean a loaded fucking gun.  

You know they don't give guns to people like me, I have a Mental Illness.  Ummm, hello?  That's a good thing, people, I don't consider it a violation of my rights.  How sane are you in your angriest and darkest moments, sane enough to have a gun?  Are you sure?

They want teachers to have guns, to counteract the kids who have guns.  That has to be the funniest thing I've ever heard.  Have you been in a high school or middle school classroom lately?  There are kids who will dance while you are trying to teach, they will sing, they will not shut the fuck up and you want us to have a gun in this kind of situation?  Oh the times I would have killed to have a gun!

I guess there are bunch of people saying that they are so in control of themselves that they would only use the gun to kill the man hiding in the bushes at night.  If that were true, maybe gun violence wouldn't be such a big problem.  I could give you statistics, but I don't feel like it.  You must know that if there were less guns there would be less deaths.  Like in England where guns are outlawed and many other countries.  It's just a factoid.  No in fact, it is a fact.  

I don't feel violated because I personally don't have the right to bear arms.  What is a violation of my rights is that something so small can obliterate my very existence if I just pull the trigger.  What's worse, I could kill someone else...

Ok I did not plan on this blog post being about guns.  Did not even have the faintest idea what I was gonna write about.  But you watch T.V. and it's about violence.  You play a video game and it's about killing the enemy...A kid in my class wrote an Ode to a Gun for his poem at the end of the semester.  He was 12.  Another wrote an Ode to a Grenade.  It's hard to escape guns.  

OK let's lighten up a little at the end.  At the end of the day, we are animals, animals kill each other.  They usually do it for food, we do it for power.  Whatever.  

As much as the digital age has made us think that we can out-think anything.  The one thing we cannot do with technology is make it have a heart.  For a second see this with your heart.   

I'm not proposing that guns be illegal, that might be nice, but it won't happen.  What I want to say is that we are creating people who want to kill each other and themselves.  It's takes a village to make a murderer or a school shooter or a terrorist.  

As a society what are we doing not to make guns, but to make shooters?  What's wrong with us?


Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Crazy as I am?

So there's this song someone sings that goes something like this:  "I will never find someone as crazy as I am."

Well how about I don't ever want to find someone as crazy as I am?

Of course this is the way it should be.  Do you really want to meet a significant other as crazy as you, if you are crazy?  And if you "aren't crazy" then why are you reading this crap?  Just kidding...

What I mean is that we don't want to end up with a partner who is our mirror image.  But you already knew that, but as far as crazy goes, I want someone so solid they have never been on antidepressants.  Is that possible in this day and age?

I don't even want someone with a different brand of crazy than my own.

Why are my sanity expectations so high?  Because I know myself, I'm a wee bit emotional is all.  I'm not bat shit cray cray!  I mean I have my moments and I try not to take them out on others.

I'm actually also quite fascinated by true sanity.  People who are stable in this unstable world. 

Having said that I need a rock who happens to have emotions and likes the occasional chick flick.  What?  Is that too much to ask?

Look you can't pick your partner's sanity, you usually don't find out about their true insanity until many deeds have already been done. Houses bought, kids, joint's usually too late when you find out you married a semi-maniac.  

So am I a semi-maniac?  Or am I the whole full blown thing?

If you know anything about my history you will find that I have been diagnosed as Bipolar and am on medication. If you know me in real life you also know that there is much more to me than this diagnosis.  

I may have a deeper connection to my emotions than some people, but let's be real, is that what we mean when we say crazy?  Mean people are crazy.  People who hurt other people for their own gain, probably because they are insecure are nuts.  The real maniacs are the ones that kill other people because they can.  Mentally ill people are more likely to be victims rather than perpetrators of crime.  

So let's go back a minute to the original conversation, before we got all political.  I mean I like relatively sensitive men.  But don't cry everyday, I met a guy who does, and don't like start crying every time I cry.  Be strong.  But be gentle.  

I don't like the word normal.  I don't per say want someone normal.  In fact I want someone so brilliant they are abnormal.  Inevitably that man is gonna be crazy isn't he?  Be honest.  It's a Catch-22 isn't it?

I don't know, I'm getting older and I have all these expectations.  I expect happiness in a relationship.  I've thought about it too much, haven't I?

What would Oprah say?  If I only had a direct line to her...

Seriously, I stand by the notion that I know there is an inner madness in everyone, but I'd like a partner who has dealt with his demons.  

What will I give in return?  I'm funny, I mean I do the best impressions of my parents that anyone has done in history.  I'm spontaneous!  I'm fun!  But most importantly I know the value of love.  I love deeply.  I love passionately.  I love truly.    

Call me crazy.  Just do it.  It's kinda true.  Let's play the cards that we got, I'm OK with a few jokers. 

There's another song, "I remember when, I remember when I lost my mind...there was something so pleasant about that place...but it wasn't because I didn't know enough...I just knew too much..."

I don't know much but I do know...something.


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Monday, June 23, 2014

Writer's Block is a Lazy Woman's Lie

I've been putting off writing this since I started putting off writing this...I can't quite remember when that was...

Funny this is one of the first times I'm blogging not because I want to or feel inspired to, but because I should.  This is weird.  I'm doing something I don't really feel like doing, and it feels OK.  

I usually blog cause I want to blog and don't when I don't feel like it.  It's not really working out for me.  

My inconsistent uninspired self needs some discipline, I can't even spell that word.  I don't like that word.  

But I was watching Super Soul Sunday and this guy said, "put your ass where your heart is."  Meaning if you want to write, sit in front of the computer and just do it.  So here I am, doing...let's see how it goes.

Today I finished like the umpteenth book about how to transform your life, that's my new thing...every book comes down to the same thing.  Meditate.  Then do your shit.    

So I closed the books, shut off my Kindle and I meditated.

I don't know.  We will see what happens. 

Some people meditate by saying, "I love myself, I love myself, I love myself."  Personally that makes me feel like a douche, sorry I know it really works for some people.  I like to use ancient Indian words cause that's what I grew up with.  It makes me feel less self conscious and frankly less stupid.  Repeating, "I am great" or whatever just seems a little odd.  

All those mantras mean love, whether it be universal or love of self.  Universal love includes loving yourself.   

Another thing I'm doing is like my version of Weight Watchers, I don't use the apps. I don't bother really counting much of anything.  I look at something and estimate how many points it will be and I go with it.  It's actually working, so there.  It sounds stupid, but diets are ninety percent going to fail, so I have to do something different.  Something I can sustain.  I can sustain the estimation game.

You wanna know why I'm doing all this?  Cause I can.  My ho hum life is not fulfilling my first world expectations of the beautiful life.  Is it OK to expect more from life? To think you deserve happiness?  Yeah, why the fuck not?  I'm kinda happy sometimes, then some jerk usually says something to throw me off balance.  I can't get rid of the jerks in my life, but I can get rid of my imbalance when they come around.   

I'm so uncomfortable with myself I haven't taken a decent picture in like ten years.  Not just because I think I'm fat, but because I think I look bad on camera.  I don't think I'm ugly.  I just don't think I'm beautiful.  Or I should say I didn't think I was beautiful until I started to whatever, I love myself, but only kinda.

I was told my one author to look in my eyes in the mirror and say, "I love myself."  How about this?  I look in the mirror and say "I love you!"  The "you" is "me."  Anyways, when I say I love myself, do I split into two people or do I stay one person.  Who is being loved, and by whom?

I know it's just a game.  I know that I have to love myself.  That's gonna be the hardest thing I will ever do, and the best.  You see a friend of mine said he felt like he was damaged goods, and I yelled at him for saying this about himself.  Then I thought about it myself, I think I'm damaged goods.

I think I have been through too much that no one can love me.  I mean in my head I know that's not true.  But in my heart, I'm not sure.

That's a sad way to end a blog, especially since I haven't blogged in months.  I would love to blow some sunshine up your ass in the end and tell you everything is gonna be alright.  I mean it will be.  Some weird bastard will love me, and maybe even you.