Let's talk about Apple computers for a second. I'll have you know that I did not have much money to spend on a computer but I bought a Mac Air computer not to be hip and cool, but because they don't get viruses, they start real quick, and they are so light I can travel with them to cafes etc. In essence they were at the time the best.
Let's talk about how it broke down like in the first six months and they had to replace the mother board I have no idea what a mother board is, but it sounds important. I find out later it is everything. Then it breaks down again and it's something else.
Why did I spend a ton of money for something that wasn't supposed to break down? Because I'm unbreakable. Same reason I buy Japanese cars. I was once in a terrible car accident in my Japanese car and it was totaled because I hit a semi and went under a car tower. I didn't get a scratch.
My friend who works at Apple wanted to break his computer really badly so he would get a new one from Apple, so he put it in the washing machine without any water and let it run. The damn thing still worked afterwards.
So is it my luck that I happen to get the one bad apple? Pun intended.
Then it turns out when I moved in with my friend in August, it just so happens that my computer's Internet connection doesn't work with her Internet provider, it works everywhere else. I have to struggle to get Internet service at my own home. I went to the mad house they call the Apple store and they tried to fix it but failed. I'm so traumatized by the experience that I'm putting off going back.
I feel like this is a metaphor for life. You can get try real hard to get the best shit around, whether it be a partner, a computer, a car, a phone or a job. But if it ain't in your fate for it to behave properly, it ain't in your fate. I couldn't control the fact that I got a bad piece of a good thing, even then I love the shit out of this computer.
So when you look back at this year, remember what was in your control and what wasn't. If you got the best job you thought you could get and it turns out to be a bust, well either make it work or quit.
I realized this year that I don't know if I want to teach kids, maybe I would rather teach in college so I can teach young adults. I think teaching is a two-way conversation, a deep conversation that maybe these kids are not ready to have. Maybe I need more intellectual stimulation than what can be offered in secondary education. I spent four years in teaching school, does this make me an idiot?
No I'm not an idiot, I mean I have three degrees at this point, two Masters and one of them is from Columbia University. I'm not saying that to brag but only to point out that you can be over educated and still underemployed and underpaid.
Just like my computer, I paid out of my ass to get the best education in writing that I could get. This last year, I was a little depressed because I didn't really write. It was like a little death for me. I like to write so much that I was writing this in my sleep, I kid you not that this blog post arose from a dream I was having about writing this very blog post.
Writing and teaching are my two passions, the teaching part may come in a different form than I anticipated, but I can teach with an MFA (it's considered equivalent to a PhD) in college, but I don't think I was ready to do that until now. I thought you had to have a book published...I thought I couldn't do it.
I don't know why I doubted myself. You can have the best of everything, but until you have faith in yourself, you can't make it work.
When I look back at this year I find that I have the best messed up computer, I mean if I was gonna get a messed up computer I'm still glad I have this one. I have the best phone, OK, it's an I-Phone4 and it's not the best out there, but I'm blessed to have it, I came from a flip phone before this. I also have a Kindle Fire, not the best tablet but not bad.
But more than anything I have the best friends and family. I have friends who would lay down their life for me, and I would do the same for them. My family took me in and took care of me when I was in the worst shape of my life, and they love me despite the fact that I didn't follow their dreams, I followed mine.
So I have to change some ideas I had about my job situation, I have to change some ideas about my life situation. Sometimes you have the best and the worst at the same time and you have to make it work.
I have the best job ever right now, I mean I sit around bullshitting, hoping one day someone will pay me for these words.
They will, one day it will happen.
Not because I'm brilliant, but because I believe.
This year was OK, it had great points and low points. The most important thing that happened this year was my own personal consciousness, I realized that I can do anything. I realized that I'm worthy of love and acceptance just the way I am.
This year I became fabulous to my own damn self. This year was the year I really found myself.
Now what will I do with myself...To be continued...