Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Call Me A Diva, I Dare You...

I have a couple good friends who call me a diva.  Alright, I can live with that.  What I would like to know is what is the equivalent of a diva for men?  When a man is strong and a little bit of an asshole, he's considered a man.  When a woman is powerful and a little bit of a bitch she's called a Diva.

I have my diva moments, it's true. However, I also have my moments where I'm just a strong woman who won't take shit from other people. There is a fine line between bitch and diva. However what is that fine line for men?

Why are men allowed to be powerful and mean, without reproach?
Maybe because we expect that from men.  We think it is somehow inherently wrong for a woman to be powerful.

When a woman attains some form of power we call her a diva, a bitch. When a man does the same thing, we have nothing to call him.

There is this idea that matriarchy should stay in the home and patriarchy should stay in the world.  The problem is that we assign certain roles to genders instead of letting people just be.  

When Hilary Clinton is president will she just be another bitch in charge?  Or will she be respected?  It will be hard for people to take a woman as the leader of the free world.  But how free is the world if a woman in charge will scare a lot of people?

I don't think women should rule the world, nor do I think men should.  I honestly believe in equality.  In fact there should be two presidents, a man and woman working together.  If we understood ourselves better we might see the beauty of this.  

I don't even think that every woman is feminine and every man is masculine, however I think a mixture of both these forces is a good combination.  For a country, for a life.  

There is a certain something I get from my girlfriends, however there is something special that I also get from my relationship with men.  Whether it be a significant other, a friend or a relative.  I need both aspects in my life.  

Balance.  The yin and the yang.  The masculine and the feminine.  

So whether you are a diva, or just a dramatic dude...don't let these labels rule you or fool you.  You be you, let the world label itself.  


Monday, November 24, 2014

What Interests Me...

We are so worried, about what we do, we forget about who we are...what we are.  Are you sure you know life?  Or do you just speak about life?  Do you just walk around it?  Do you even know how to dance with it?

What do you long for?  Are there empty spaces in your being that you know can be filled with emptiness.  Do you ever want to fill a cup with your own damn voice?  What would you say if you could capture it all in a cup?

Is there something inside of you that speaks louder than the mundane, everyday, humdrum of a life.  Do you long for peace? Or do you long for passion that ceases to make sense? Do you even know what passion is, would you recognize it if it slapped you across the face?  Would you know that difference between passion and peace, do you know you want it all?   

What puts you on fire?  Which one of us will fight the fight, the one we all know about.  The one about our dreams.  Which one of us will stand like a fool, and invite the truth to our table, no matter how dirty it makes the moment.

Enlightenment is falling in love with the world, letting it breathe and tell you, you are real.  You did not imagine this existence but you imagined its limits. 

Did you know there are no limits to our songs, the ones we don't sing, the ones we imagine are too loud.

Infinity is a stone we all throw around as if it can be measured, as if our lives can be numbered as if our days don't have wings.  We have a closet full of birds, no lack of song in this house.

Yet we forgot our voice and we captured their wings.  

Life is not about is about one moment.  This one, not that one.  In this one moment, what will you be?

Will you be a number for us to count, like money? Will you be a song for us to sing, when we notice how little we are worth if we don't dance.  

How many of us climbed mountains with our pauses, the way we stop.  In the middle of sentences we don't want to say?  The way we don't breathe, in the middle of a life we don't want to live.

Sing for me once, a ballad of your choice.  

Know that you are heard, no need to scream.  Unless you have found the fine line between reality and imagination, and decided you want to walk it.  

Maybe dance it.

Move for me this once, the way you do to your own beat.  

Reality is not any more real than your own voice.  

Say it, in your own way.


Sunday, November 23, 2014

yeah, yeah, yeah

It's Sunday morning, I'm late, I usually write my blogs before...I like to reserve Sundays as my peaceful days.  Days I can think what I want, say what I want, be who I want.  

Sunday is a day for me.  

It's a grey day, it makes you want to fall back asleep.  It's uninspiring.  Let me tell you what was inspiring this week though...we had a discussion about stem cell research in my college composition class that I teach. 

We talked about how the stem cell research could lead to cloning. If someone was cloned, would the clone have a soul?  Then we got on the topic of souls and spirituality.  

This was of course my favorite topic in the world, and I shared some of my ideas and experiences.  Mostly how recently I started meditating again, I go on and off with it, but I started hard core again.  I've noticed some real changes since I started again.

Not only has my attitude changed, but the universe seems to be working more in my favor.  I think if you channel the energy in the universe it works for you.  Better things started happening in my life, interesting people began to enter my existence. 

I'm a bad meditator.  I will be meditating and take a break to check my phone or the Internet.  I don't always have the attention span of a holy goddess.  However, even with all my mistakes, I've still been able to channel something real.

It has made me happier.  It has made me stronger.  I feel like I can get through this life easier.  I only meditate for like half an hour, if that.  But I try to bring my meditation in my everyday life, I try to be mindful.  I try to see the divinity in everything.  

Even in grey Sunday mornings.  There is a beauty to them.  I want to fight with the sky and make the sun come out. But in my heart I know that the overcast day is my test, the test to see if I can be happy without a sun.     

Maybe you are looking for something new in your life.  Maybe the status quo is not working for you.  Maybe you need a change.  The ugliness of the world may be creeping up on you, scaring you.

I implore you to look inside, where the real beauty lies.  I don't meditate because I want to or because it is fun, at this point in my life I have to.  I can't take life without it.  It's too hard otherwise.  

I need this.  Maybe you need this too.  Maybe we all need this.  


Image courtesy of samarttiw/

Saturday, November 22, 2014

being no body

Sometimes I don't think of myself as a physical person, as a being with a body. I think I'm something else.  What exactly, I don't know.  I walk around my living room sometimes as if I am a spirit. 

But as non-human as I like to think I am, I'm very much a regular gal.  I use words like gal.  I am told I don't always sound like I have an education.  I'm looked at funny when I say I don't care.

My grammar sucks and I can't spell to save my life.  But I want to say something.  And I will.  Fuckin' words won't stop me.  Even bad words.  Words I'm not supposed to say.  

I'm supposed to be a good girl.  I am.  Sometimes.  Most of the time I fall between the cracks of good and bad.  Most of the time I sit in between time.  

I don't make sense.  I might even go as far as to say I'm a freak.  

Ha ha.  I laugh at my own jokes.

I will laugh at yours.  I have charisma.  I don't have too much patience.  I'm slow...I don't walk fast.  God forbid I run.  I have flat feet.  

What's your name?  They ask me that sometimes, people.  I want to say someone else's name.  I want to say I'm a goddess with no god.  I want to say hello in five different languages.  

I barely understand this language.  I'm funny.  I'm fat.  I'm free.

Don't judge me instead.  I talk to you because I don't know me.  I say this to you, because I could never say it to myself.  

I want to be ahead, ahead of myself.  There is this race in my head.  I'm trying to only compete with myself.  This race, where am I trying to go? 

I want to be myself, mostly free of my own bullshit.  

Mostly, mostly...I am me.  


Friday, November 21, 2014

Mr. Huxtable, "Let the record show..."

So I've been put up to speed about what is happening around the globe since I have been paying attention to the news and such things again.  I may have been better off when I was ignoring it all.

I mean c'mon peeps, collectively what are we doing?  What exactly is going on?

Let's talk about Bill Cosby for a minute.  The American dream is officially over when we find out he is a creepster.  He was like my psuedo dad on T.V.  First it was Pa from Little House on the Prairie, then it was Mr. Huxtable. 

Well apparently my actual (wonderful) father trumps them all.  Perhaps T.V. is not the place to look for an ideal man, but come on, like more than a dozen women said Cosby raped them.  What is that about anyways?

My mother thinks Cosby is innocent, she likes to believe in the good in people.  I disagree.  What would Phylicia Rahsad say?  I always wanted to be like her, Mrs. Huxtable.  "Let the record show..." she would say like the bad ass lawyer that she played.  

Let the record show that that was when I wanted to be a lawyer.  That's when I thought The Cosby Show was one big happy family.  That's when I was innocent and thought being a lawyer was like being on L.A. Law.  That was before I knew it was all pretend.  

I didn't know then that there were creepy men out there that would haunt me for the rest of my life.  I remember in high school, I had a teacher who for all intensive purpose's sexually harassed me.  He was funny like Cosby, everyone liked him.  I wasn't the only one he harassed, but back then when I was fifteen I didn't know it was a crime.  I didn't understand that what he was doing was wrong.  In fact as a silent protest to him I stopped talking to him. I'm not kidding when I say that he was giving me a higher grade than I deserved until I stopped responding to him.

We all have our ways of protesting in this world.  Some are quiet, some are loud.  Either way, speak out.  If you are a woman, the chances of you being sexually violated in some way are so high that I want to say it's like there is no chance it won't happen.  If you are a guy, don't think you can get away with it.   

I mean if Mr. Huxtable was a sicko, what does that say about your average dude?  Not all men are sick, but there are enough of them out there that you will encounter at least one sicko in your lifetime, probably several. 

I have a relative who is a creepy man.  You probably have one in your family too.  The lengths to which people will protect this creep are intolerable.  

People have been protecting Bill Cosby all this time.  C'mon someone knew.  Although it is sometimes difficult to recognize a perverted man, they usually walk around with some known features.  

Trust your instincts.  The relative that I'm speaking about is like a Cosby type of character.  He is witty and charming, a family man. 

There are Bill Cosbys all around us.  They represent some dream, they seem so good.  They are so bad.

We live in a society that tells women to watch out for these men.  However we are silent towards the men.  I'm tired of telling women to be careful, I want to tell men to be careful.  In this day and age, you will be found out.  

I am protecting my relative right now by not outing him because I'm worried about legal consequences.  However, those around him know.  It's no secret.  I made sure of that.  

Maybe it's not a tragedy that Bill Cosby is finally being punished for stuff he did years ago.  Maybe it's a lesson for us all that what we put out in the universe will come back and bite us in the ass at some point.  Whether or not you believe in karma, know this: the universe is tracking your actions.  And for every action there is a reaction.  

I don't have to go back to Troy High and sue the teacher that made me question my own self...I trust and believe that the universe will take care of my unfinished business.  

The message to women is clear: be weary of weird guys.  However the message to men should also be clear: we are not going to take this shit anymore.  

Patriarchy is not over, but what is over is the myth that women will remain silent. 


Thursday, November 20, 2014

The Meaning of Nothing

So sometimes I think I should do something with this audience that I have, which is by no means giant.  I don't know, like maybe an experiment or a poll.  Perhaps I should call people to action.  Maybe do something profound.   

But I don't know about all that. I want to do something with this life, but what is it that I want to do? Someone once told me they liked my blog because it showed that anyone can say or do anything.  Alright, there's a message I can get behind.

Be yourself.

What else do I want to say?  How about this?  I'm tired, tired of being someone who is not good enough for her own self.  It's not about you, or you, it's about not being good enough for myself.  What would make me good enough?

Maybe if I had a purpose.  Chitter chattering on the Internet, is that a purpose?  Maybe I should have been a doctor like my parents wanted me to be a hundred years ago.  Doctors have such a clear purpose.  I suppose teaching has a purpose, but somehow it's not enough for me.  

I want to do something real.  Something monumental.  You know, like Gandhi.  

What's my revolution about?  

I could be a rebel without a cause.  I could be like Seinfeld who did a show about nothing.

A revolution about nothing.  


What does that even mean?

You know I want to open a spiritual community one day, a commune even.  What are we all going to sit in a circle and say to each other?  Kumbaya.  

Ain't nothin wrong with some Kumbaya.  

Let's sit in a circle and be with ourselves.  Let's be real, for once.  

Nothing is not really about nothing.

What is it about then?  It's about that space, the space between words, the space between thoughts.  The space between us.  We are all here to learn how to navigate that space.  How to be with it.  How to be it.  

In fact we are really space, our souls are in space.  Some people believe we don't have a soul inside us, but in fact we are inside a soul.  It's a big space around us.  Our aura. 

It looks like nothing, it feels like nothing.  It is everything.

And nothing, both at the same time.  

I am nothing and everything both at the same time.  

What does it mean when I say I'm everything?  It means I'm connected to the source of all things.  

Is this weird.  All this talk?

Little bit huh? 

Nothing is weird and so is everything. 

This conversation is weird.  I'm gonna stop now because I'm starting to feel an out of body experience.  

It feels like nothing, it is everything. 

Alright already, I will stop with all that.

I've got nothing more to say...


Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Selfie Photo Shoot

innocent nina
So I went on a selfie photo shoot recently.  Yes I did it for a dude.  He wanted to really “see” me without meeting me.  I told him to just meet me but he denied me.  So I shot a bunch of photos of me.  It was weird; I liked a few. 

Many men I've met online have asked me for this, but I never obliged until now.    

I’m not photogenic.  The camera distorts my face.  However, for some reason I like the way I look better now that I’ve taken all these pictures of me.

Is that weird?  Is that narcissistic?  A little bit?

There is something therapeutic about documenting your life. 

I feel like angle is really important when you are taking a selfie.   I’ve gotten to know my face really well.  Lighting is also key. 

Vanity is also key.  In some way you have got to like looking at yourself if you are going to seriously take a lot of photos of yourself. 

Create the angel so you don’t look fat, that’s the key.
Pointy Nose Here I Am

Make sure you don’t really look like yourself.  Don’t look the camera in the eye, it’s scary…looking the camera in the eyes is like looking the world in the eye.

God only knows the reason for posting a pic on the Internet is not so you can be seen for who you really are.  C’mon---These are glamor shots, shots you take of yourself.  Shots you manipulate with your lens. 

These are not shots of your soul, save that for later.  Maybe after you die.  These are primarily to make you look good. 

You post them on Facebook and Match and any other site you are willingly a part of.  Don’t you dare smile, because you are trying to create a look of cool introspection, you are a thinker. 

Make sure not to cut off your head while trying to get more of your body:
Head Chopped
These are not artistic nor are they very professional at all.  The only thing I like about them is that I was in control of the camera.  

Sometimes I don't feel like I'm in control of everything in my life.  I don't like other people taking pictures of me, they usually come out horrid and I look either ugly or fat.  

My hips are not in these photos, and I'm grateful for that.  Either is my big ass.  

On another note, speaking of appearance I've decided to take things into my own hands again and start working out and eating healthy.  I don't want to grow old, at all, much less grow old and get sick.  

Then I worry about getting old and ugly, really ugly.  I mean it happens.  And I'm gonna be forty...someday.  It's not that far away...vanity will either kill me or make me get in shape.  

Don't get me wrong, I don't think old people are ugly.  I think they are beautiful and I want to feel beautiful no matter what I look like.

But I don't.  The truth is I feel flawed.  But the truth is those flaws are inside me, not on my body.  This body will always be 'flawed.'  What I have to do is unflaw my mind.  Unflaw is officially a new word I have invented.  Let's see if it picks up.  

It's hard being a woman, especially in a size zero society.  It's harder still when you feel like a number closer to zero than ten.  Look, I don't hate myself or anything like that...but I'm not content with the way I look, it's true.  I wish I could be content and then lose weight, but things don't always work they way they should. 

I should be OK with who and what I am.  I know that.  I know I can be, perhaps the real exercise is that of the mind.  And if I think, therefore I am, then if I think I'm beautiful: I am.  

I am that I am. God said something like that to Moses.  I am what I think I am.