Saturday, January 31, 2015

'Cause I'm Happy

I don't know, I'm a little scared to be honest.  I think I might be happy. Isn't that a mind fuck?  I don't even know how to proceed. It's new territory for me.  

Because this is different than before. I've been happy before, but it's always been fleeting and mixed with disillusionment.  This is a sort of sustained happiness and it's for no particular reason, although every reason matters.

Reasons like the fact that I love my job, I mean don't get me wrong. I have twenty rough drafts I have to give feedback on and I don't wanna.  It's still a job.  However, overall it makes me feel good. I'm an English Professor and it's soo much better for me than being an English Teacher. 

Another reason I'm happy is I love my friends, I've brought good people into my life, or they have appeared magically.  I like to think I willed it to happen.  Some of these are people I've known for decades, some are new. 

But the real reason I'm happy has to do with happiness itself.  I have been meditating, asking the universe for happiness. Sometimes I meditate for an hour, sometimes ten minutes. Apparently the universe is alive and well and still giving out gifts.  

Don't get me wrong.  I still want to be thin, find a man to love and get a more stable job.  However I've discovered that if I'm happy without those things, think of how happy I can be with those things?

Things like that come and go, beauty fades, men leave you or die, and eventually you lose your job or retire.  Nothing is forever, but the happiness part can be.  

I am aware that I'm not the first person to discover this. Yet it still feels fresh and new to me.  It's lovely. I encourage you to try it.

So how does one become happy?  

It's a decision.  And when that decision is made, certain unhappy things need to be changed.  That might mean your job, or your significant other.  The part where happiness takes over, and it's the most important thing in your life, is the part where things get challenging.

I don't like my body right now.  So I stopped eating out every day. I want to continue to be happy so I have to change the way I deal with food and exercise.  It isn't easy to be on a healthy eating plan. I won't use the word diet, cause that's just another word for failure.  

Everything is now revolving around this happiness thing.  Like I met with an old friend the other day and realized, she's brilliant and I would like to be closer to her.  She's been there all along, however my new happiness radar has drawn me to notice her. I've also recently met some amazing new people.

Whereas there are other people in my life that in the past year or so, I have disconnected from.  Sometimes it was not my choice to abandon them, however it turned out for the best for me in the long run. Now that I think about it, this happiness quest has been going on for a long time.

The quest is old, the reality is new. Yes I'm totally afraid it will all go away and be ripped from my very being. It's funny, what if I'm not happy, I just think I'm happy?  What would be the difference?

I suppose if I was engaging in unhealthy behavior and thought I was happy but really wasn't, you know those people...But this is real as far as I can tell. 

What if you don't have anything to be happy about?  

I've been there.  In fact if I focused on my 'flaws' and the negative aspects of my life, I could go right back there.  It's a shift of focus. 

If you are in a horrific situation you cannot get out of, I'm sorry. I also believe you can change things, if only just how you react to the situation. I haven't been everywhere though, I don't know what everything is like.  However there is a common thread with pain, usually one can change something in life to make it better.

A lot of my pain was a chemical imbalance of depression or something, although I have not changed my medicines. So did I change my very chemistry by deciding to be happy?  And when and how did I decide? 

It happened slowly, gradually. It's a quest I've been on since adolescence. It doesn't have to take you years though. It can happen spontaneously. If you decide it can happen instantaneously. 

You can just decide to be happy no matter what happens.   

It's funny that I just said that.  It was demonstrated to me in this moment, how slippery a slope I'm on.  I almost thought I just lost everything I just wrote above because I pressed a delete button on a file. I was about to lose my shit. 

Yeah, I would have been pissed as hell. However, being angry and being happy with life in general are two states that can coexist.  I love and hate computers, these two feelings exist together, why can't complete shit and complete happiness exist together?

Like the lotus flower that blossoms in the dirty swamp people...I hate to be cliche. But sometimes it's appropriate.  

It is shitty that it took me thirty nine years to come to this place. However it is wonderful that I came to this place at all, many people never do.  I will focus on the fabulous if that's OK with you.

What are you focusing on?