You wouldn't Be You if You weren't so You

I mean I wouldn't be me if I weren't so me.

It's Soul Sunday, isn't it?  Oprah said so.

I think it's good to take a day to chill out. I know, I know, you probably think I think it's good to take a life to chill out.  You might not be too far off there.  To each their own. 

I don't believe we came here on Earth to do something in particular.  I think we came here to be something in particular.  To experience something.  Mostly love.  Mostly the opposite of love, fear, which we experience in order to appreciate and understand love. 

I didn't make this up.  I'm plagiarizing the masters.

But you didn't come here to be preached at.  But ask yourself why you came here.  Why you go anywhere.  Whether it be online or on foot, by car or by plane.  Where are you going?

I want to write poetically but this is a blog.  I was never much of a poet anyways, I tried, but I'm too harsh or something.

I don't have the mental patience to write poetry. I admire those you can.  Like song writers, Kurt Cobain died, killed himself twenty years ago yesterday.  Is his soul still in his music?

Kinda yeah I think so.

You ever wonder why people kill themselves?  I get it sometimes and I don't other times.  I'm sort of weaning slowly off an adrenaline rush I've had recently.  Things are getting back to normal.  I'm starting to feel normal again.

Boring people, boring.

I'm losing speed, going back to an even pace.  I have mood swings and sometimes forget how to feel normal.  I've never really been what you would traditionally call 'suicidal' but I've been down and out.  I get that it gets hard to live.

I just don't believe our soul dies.  I don't think we die...die, like fall into a deep sleep or something.  I don't think we no longer exist.  

So if I exist, I have to ask the metaphysical question:  Who am I?

Do you really want to talk about this on a Sunday morning?  Are you bored?

You know who you are, to a certain extent.  You are just you.  I'm Nina, let me introduce myself.  Very few people are like me, I like to think.  Perhaps you are a real individual yourself, I bet you are.  Most of us are.  I gravitate towards individuals who are unique.  I'm thinking of my best friends, wow are they weirdos in the sense of commonality.  I like that.

I like that I'm a little weird.  You might be weird, I mean you are taking the time to read this, that's weird.  

Look it's literally Sunday morning and I'm trying to finish this.  I had a great night last night in Ann Arbor at a show with some buddies, had Korean food, met up with a new friend.  I also decided to be friends with a guy that I went on a date with and it didn't work out but he is a fabulous person.

To go back to the topic at hand, I think we are all connected, literally part of the same Big Soul.  So we are made of the same stuff, cut from the same cloth, into different shapes.  

I could say it more eloquently if I were a poet.  Don't rush this writing I try to tell myself, no one is waiting with a deadline.  There is no finish line.  

It's Sunday for God's sake.  I actually believe you should devote Sunday to your soul.  I don't know, it needs a day.  What better day than Sunday?  There is a deer in my backyard.

Beauty.

Love.

I can't tell you how precious this deer's soul seems to me.  I took a creative writing class once in college and the instructor told us not to use words like 'soul'.  He said they are empty of meaning.

I disagree.  I use it all the time.  

I want to talk to him and show him.  Even in my fiction I use that word.  And words like beauty.  I want to prove him wrong.  I want an intellectual argument about it.

I once took a philosophy class and in the first paper tried to prove the existence of god.  I got like a B+, and I was disappointed but damn is it hard to prove the existence of god in philosophy.  I thought I was a philosopher until I took that class and realized that philosophy is about logic and verbal math.

I've never been a success at math.  My father thinks Calculus explains everything in the world.  I don't really get it.  But I surround myself with people who do because I think the concept is fascinating.

I had a friend who would not study for her Calc test but would derive the answers from the equations like backwards or something, I don't even know the right lingo to use.

Maybe it's a left brain, right brain thing.  Who knows?

Back to our souls, I'm going on some tangents.  Surprise surprise.

Who am I and what is a soul?  I don't know if I can answer these questions.  I feel it.  It's intuitive.  

I'm nina.  i just am. 

I don't feel like I'm finished here.  I want to say more about it.  There is so much to feel about our souls, but how do we say it?  I'm running out of words and I like to think of myself as as wordsmith.  

There are no words to describe a soul and self.

I believe they exist and that's all I have to say about that.  

I'll say it again, we capitalize our names because we think it's important.  We also capitalize Coke.  

What deserves a capital letter and what doesn't?  

god, I don't capitalize the name.  It's sort of a protest.  

And my own name.

It's my way of being humble. 

Is god humble, yeah I mean he created humility but wants us to worship him?  Hmm...interesting.

I don't know where I'm going with all this, insulting god in public and all.  My computer battery is gonna die, I think I'm done here.

Thank you for being you.  Stay that way.

nina