Saturday, April 5, 2014

Procrastination Station

Hi there.  Um you know there is a word in the English language that I'm not that comfortable with.  It goes something like this: Now.  I mean Right Now is even less favorable.  It's a joke in my family now, but it's sort of not a joke as well.  I kind of have a problem.  

I'm procrastinating writing this very article.  It's a little out of control.  It's my fatal flaw so to speak.  

I'm sitting alone in my car listening to music.  I'm at Barnes and Noble.  I've been putting off going to the grocery store for days...I should be there right now.  

I'm putting it off because I can't figure out the perfect food to buy.  It's perfection for my new diet.  It's raining.

For a moment I'm at peace.  

I can do this, I can figure my life out. 

I hear Barnes and Nobles are closing.  Grocery stores should become obsolete.  Amazon should deliver my food to me in 3 to six business days.  

I need time to go to the bookstore, I can't do that if I'm constantly grocery shopping.  Seriously, do you know how many pages you could read if you didn't have to peruse Walmart?  It's an abomination!

But in all seriousness why do I put everything off? I want things to be perfect, I know that.  I don’t like being unhappy, so anything that makes me uncomfortable, I put off.  It just makes things worse.  I have to have a state of mind that is above the small stuff.  I have to stop sweating the small stuff.

Be mindful you know, when I go to Walmart, the only place my parents will allow me to get their groceries from since it is the cheapest.  Hey they pay the bills, who am I to be an activist with their money?  But when I see that man bending down in the cereal isle, exposing his butt crack, I need to breathe.  Take a moment to reflect.  Pray perhaps?

I don’t know, what the fuck?  Walmart depresses me.  I want to go to Whole Foods and buy organic food and hang out with hippies and yuppies.   But I’m not a millionaire.  I’m just a girl. 

I love food and I love shopping, what is there about grocery shopping that just kills me?  My dad can’t do it because he’s blind, my mom can’t do it because she can’t lift heavy weights.  I’m young and able, but a mess. 

I’ve asked friends to accompany me to the grocery store and that has helped, but who has the time to schedule going to the grocery store with me?  And nobody I know shops at Walmart.

Dude, (by the way I called my Dad dude the other day, repeatedly as I messed up a pizza I was making for him).  I don’t just put off going grocery shopping, I put off lots of stuff.  I put off being happy mostly.

There is only the now, and I can only be happy right now, while I’m walking through the diaper isles lamenting about how I may never give birth.  I can only be content right now, not later.  If I was OK with myself, I could deal with getting gas before the tank is empty and I’m running on fumes and calling for help.

What’s the big deal about getting gas?  What, I don’t like standing? I can’t take a moment and be with myself in the outdoors, even in the cold, get a breath of fresh air?  What’s wrong with me?

I’ve procrastinated the big stuff like losing weight and I procrastinate writing and sending out resumes and sending out my manuscript or query letters to agents to get my book published.

What am I doing with my LIFE?

I could diddle daddle it away on procrastination station. 

Ninaland may not have any gas stations, but there are plenty places to park.

What am I gonna do about it?  I got stop talking about it and just do. I started eating better and I’m gonna walk outside and go to the gym.  I don’t want to talk about it.  I’m doing my resumes and publishing work as well.  I’m writing.  Give me a break, alright people!  

Just  kidding. 

I need to give myself a break.  Baby steps.  I just got out of a depression that kind of paralyzed me from doing work.  The reason I’m writing like a motherfucker is because I become crazy prolific when I’m on the fast side of manic depression.  I’m not manic, I keep checking in with my relatives and friends to make sure, but I’m an object in motion now.  I live by inertia.

Why don’t I just write at a steady pace and just always do it?  Because people I’m not steady. 

I know, slow and steady wins the race.  Well I don’t want to be in a race.  I boycott the race, the treadmill of life. 

The road less traveled...he was right about that.  It makes a difference. 

I’m me, with “all my curves and imperfections,” that’s from a song by John Legend. 

I’m doing something real here, some real work, soul work so to speak.  I’ve put it off for sometime.  I believe in reincarnation and I believe you will keep coming back until you free your soul. 

I’m trying to do soul work, which is just being in the now.  Not putting off being.  Finding bliss in the present moment.  Loving. Not doing, being.

I need to go back to Source for a while, hang out in Heaven after my death.  If I want to come back to creation again, which I personally believe is your own damn choice, then I will come back to Earth or some other planet at some other point. 

I feel different on this planet because maybe I’m at the end of my journey in this particular cycle.  Maybe I’m not.  I feel like an old soul sometimes, but sometimes I’m so innocent like a child.  And I’ve met people whose souls seem like they have been on Earth for an eternity. 

For years, maybe lives, I’ve been putting off going to my sacred place.

It’s Time.

Wow I went from A to Z on this one. 

I feel like I took a jog or ran a couple miles. 

I’m out of breath here.

Breathe.  Just breathe.

If I put off breathing I’ll die. 

I’m putting off dying though, for a while. 

I want to live Now.


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