Stealing The Song In What I Say

                                  

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Thank you for coming here.  I like to think of this as our place.  For me it’s a place I can go to without judgment.  I mean I want your opinion of course, even if it is different than mine.  But don’t judge me and I won’t judge you.

People disagree, that is the nature of human nature.  If we all thought exactly the same what would be the point?  I mean we are already not sure what the point is exactly anyways.  Don't judge me for not having a point.  

I was trying real hard to have a point today while writing.  But sometimes the point does elude me and I forget and don’t want to conform to my own point.  I’m such a rebel I want to rebel against my own thoughts. 

So here are some random pieces of me:

I knew this guy that was on cocaine once when he was younger.  He had to stop doing the drugs because of obvious reasons.  He spent like two days meditating; I mean he just sat there for two days meditating.

He said when he was doing coke it felt like he was in love with everything.  He said he felt that way after meditating for two days straight.  He actually went to a rehab center and they told him he wasn’t having any withdrawal symptoms. 

I don’t want to have to have a coke habit to realize what’s best for me.  I think that my friends, is the quote of the day.  I like it.  I want to live it.

I wrote that guy a love letter; he was much older than me.  The next year when I saw him he told me I should be a writer and I laughed and told him I wanted to be a lawyer.  Do you realize what kind of sorry lawyer I would be? I wanted to be an actor or writer on L.A. Law not a real lawyer.  Thank god there were people who knew me better than I knew myself.

Michael Jackson had a sleeping problem.  I’m sorry, friends I know this is random, but just follow me for a moment.  He could not sleep for the life of him.  I’ve been like that lately until I took some Melatonin.  I could not sleep properly for four days. 

I would wake up in the night and start writing; I think it was becoming obsessive.  I mean you can get addicted to anything, including your own thoughts.  I think Michael Jackson couldn’t sleep because he had some songs in him that he still had to sing.

Do you have songs in you that you still have to sing?  Wayne Dyer says "Don't die with your music still in you."

I know there are things I want to say, things I want to do, in order to be truly me. 

I think the reason stars often have addiction problems is that they are first addicted to their own work, and when that addiction fades and the high of success fades they need new addictions to compensate for their lost high.

I’ve never had a drug problem, but I know Robin Williams did.  He was on coke for a while as well.  Was it the coke that made him brilliant, or was he on coke because he was brilliant?  He also has Manic Depression and is from Michigan.  I feel camaraderie with him.  He went into rehab recently for what his publicist called, “maintenance.”  I want his publicist.

I actually think being funny all the time is extremely hard.  Even being funny sometimes is kind of hard.  I mean humor is a serious business.

When I was manic a long time ago, I heard this voice in my head.  I didn’t hear anything with my ears, no audio reception or anything like that.  It was in my mind that I heard this voice and it was hilarious.  In fact I would laugh out loud to myself to the point where before they took me to the hospital my neighbor thought I was on drugs.

But you don’t have to be mentally ill or a drug addict to laugh like one. 

I laugh more now that I am well than I have ever laughed in my life.  I have laughed so hard my sides hurt and my eyes tear up.  What’s so funny you ask?

Life.  I mean come on, if you can’t laugh at it you will always be crying about it.

It makes no difference if what you laugh at is not objectively funny.  Who is to decide what is funny?  Most of us are not performers and we do not have to worry about that.  Whatever makes you laugh, whether it’s your kid or your spouse or your dog...If you think it's funny it is funny.

I do think that everyone is funny.  You don’t have to be a rock star witty person with words to be funny.  Just be you and it’s probably hilarious sometimes.

I mean we as people do funny things.  I’m trying to think of something funny that I do and I’m coming up blank.  Like I said it’s hard to be funny on demand.

I will tell you who is funny: parents are funny.  Like when I was twenty-six or so my mom sat me down and said, “Do you drink HARD liquor?” in an Indian accent.

I just looked at her and didn’t answer.  “Do you think any boy will marry you if you drink HARD liquor?”  I’m not sure if that translates as funny, but I was twenty-six.  Perhaps we could have had this conversation when I was fifteen, not that I was drinking HARD liquor at fifteen.  I don’t know…I just think it’s funny.

My dad took me to Kmart when I asked him where I came from when I was five.  “I bought you from Kmart for 99 cents.”  Then when we were at Kmart I made him show me exactly what isle he bought me from.  He took me to the diaper isle and pointed to a box of diapers.  “There,” he said.  I don’t remember him even laughing to himself.  He is such a straight shooter.  I stared at the diaper box thinking it was amazing that there was a baby in there and she only cost 99 cents.  I didn't see any Indian babies though.

I used to steal candy bars from the store when I was a kid.  I mean I did it like twice.  Once I stole a candy bar from this store called Frank’s Nursery.  I felt so guilty I went back there later and put seventy five cents on a random shelf. 

Recently I had a hypoglycemic attack at Macy’s.  I wanted to buy these chocolate covered Godiva pretzels they were selling at the counter to raise my blood sugar.  I may not have a drug problem, but I do have a chocolate problem.  This middle aged woman at the counter was taking FOREVER to buy like a dozen different clothes that would have looked terrible on her.  Not that I'm judging.  I of course would not know anything about buying tons of clothes for no reason!

Anyways, I finally went in a corner and took the pretzels and started eating them with no abandon because I thought I would faint.  I knew there were cameras everywhere.  Look, if they wanted to arrest me for having a medical problem that I needed to feed immediately I felt like I could win in court.  I was thinking about how I was going to go to court and Judge Judy and I were going to talk about it and I was going to cry.  Meanwhile my hands were getting chocolate covered as well and I didn't have a napkin and was tempted to wipe my hands on the nearest shirt.  Instead I licked my fingers like a five year old.

I finished the tiny pretzels and started to envision a life of enslavement like the guy in Le Miserables who stole a loaf of bread.  Of course I was being a tad dramatic and almost broke out into song like Anne Hathaway.  But then I was like I can’t give the cashier my empty box of pretzels, it’s not like at Kroger when I start to drink a Diet Pepsi before I buy it.  

This was a fancy store full of rich people not heathens like myself.  I thought about leaving the money for the pretzels on a random shelf, but that didn’t make sense since a random person would probably take it.  It’s not like Macy’s itself would take it.  I only had like a dollar in cash and thought about starting my own layaway plan.   Then I thought about leaving a check to Macy’s.  The chocolates were Godiva so they probably cost like two dollars a pretzel. After searching for my checkbook in my purse with my chocolate covered hands and getting bits of chocolate on random receipts and lipsticks, I then immediately started to laugh at my crazy ass.  I saw my own face laughing in the mirror from the corner of my eye and I noticed there was chocolate between my teeth and around my mouth.  I wiped my mouth with my wet fingers and I tried to remove the chocolate on my teeth with my tongue while remaining absolutely cool, like I wasn't a felon.  So I  decided to leave the empty box with chocolate smeared all over it on a shelf.  I know: I'm disgusting.  I tried to casually walk away, looking to my left and right and above for cameras.  Whatever, I thought.  So sue me.  I have funded Macy's for many years...if they really look at their camera's history they will see that.    

OMG what if someone reports me to Macy’s because I just confessed to stealing Godiva chocolate's?  I trust you people, OK?  

Can you go to jail for stealing chocolate covered pretzels from Macy’s? Will it go on my permanent record?  Is there such a thing as a permanent record?  Do you think it's a felony or just a misdemeanor?  I always dreamed I'd go to jail for fighting for my rights.  I never thought one of my rights was to steal Godiva chocolates from department stores.  I mean I have the right to randomly eat your food if I think I might die if I don't.  That may not be in the constitution but it should be.  Some people want a gun; I just want Godiva.  

You have no proof that this happened and I didn't just make it up.  I may or may not be telling the truth.  I'm a fiction writer for god's sake.  The moral of the story is:  Dude, there is no moral to this story.  Nothing happened, nothing gained, nothing lost.  Or maybe there is a moral:  Don’t go to the mall on an empty stomach or you will end up buying exotic chocolates, or stealing them if you are anything like me.

Sometimes there is no point to all the babble wabble. 

Sometimes it just is. Sometimes we just are.

nina

Image courtesy of Boians Cho Joo Young/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net