I was having an existential crisis the other day. What does that mean you ask? It means I was questioning the reason for my very existence. I guess I was wondering what the reason is I am living. That sounds more suicidal than it really is. It’s not that I want to die, just that I’m not sure what I’m living for. Are you?
I mean then I thought, I don’t have any kids, no husband, so who am I living for? Although in my rational mind I know it’s a mistake to live your life for anyone but yourself. I realize that and know it to be true, but sometimes I get curious as to what the universe wants from me. I can’t live for my work; I can’t live to write. You can’t live for your work because we all know that will end badly.
Then what are you supposed to live for? I do have people that I love: I’m no stranger to love, that’s really not the problem. I even feel like I have a purpose. What I don’t understand is the reason.
I think I came on this earth to experience something. Well sometimes I get sick of the experiences, because sometimes they suck. Sometimes experience is a real bitch. But then there is the beauty of the sun, and a close friend of mine telling me her deepest secret, and the trees holding the sun in their leaves. Sometimes I do know that it is these moments that I live for, these moments are part of the reason I’m alive.
Then there is my purpose, which is to express myself and inspire others to express themselves. I want to show people and teach people how to be themselves, really and truly. But trust me that doesn’t always feel like enough of a reason to live. Being myself, really and truly expressing who I am deep inside, now there is a reason.
Do you ever have this issue, this issue of why you are alive? Maybe it’s just me but I suspect others may have these same questions. I want to say I live for love, but that’s sounds so cheesy. However there really is some truth to that. Whether it is love of self or love of others, or both, I live for that. I also live for beauty and meaning. I think there is beauty meaning even in a broken down liquor store in downtown Detroit. People come in there, beautiful people with beautiful lives and beautiful problems. Who am I not to see the beauty in a drunk?
Maybe the reason to live is just to live as so many have said before me. Maybe the reasons are not necessary. I want to really and truly live. That doesn’t necessarily mean climbing mountains, it can mean eating an apple. But really tasting that apple. If I could really eat an apple, I can do anything, really.
Believe me there are mountains I want to climb, metaphorical mountains. But most of all I want to enjoy freedom. I am free. I may not even know how free I am but I am free. God created free will. And I think we created us in the image of that free will. I think god is free will and free will is god. I should worship freedom: ‘freedom’ should be my new mantra.
I should live for myself, for me myself and I. Living for anything besides myself, for anything else is probably not going to work. But they say also that you should live to serve others. I’m not sure exactly how to serve. I don’t know if laying my thoughts on the table here is serving. It might be. It should be.
Sometimes I live for small things, like a cup of coffee early in the morning when the sun rises and there is the promise of the day. Sometimes I live for a late night walk when the stars call out to me that my dreams are real. Sometimes I just want to walk, walk over to my real life, as if this one I’m living is not real enough for me. Sometimes I want to walk away from all this and make a new life somewhere, I don’t know where. I want to leave this Podunk town in Michigan and go somewhere. But what is going to change? I will still be taking me with me.
If I’m not happy here, I won’t be happy anywhere. This just may be as good as it gets and as real as it gets. Most of my friends and family are here, living in my state. I need them. But I need me more than I need them.
When am I going to come alive? Really and truly come alive?
I think I may be afraid of life itself. You never know what life is going to give you, I mean I wish it were like a box of chocolates cause I love chocolate and I would take any one of those chocolates and enjoy it. But life is more like a box of random stuff and you close your eyes and pull out something every day. It’s always interesting and it’s rarely boring.
Sometimes I think I don’t know what life really is or who I really am. I know that I am not my life. I am something different than this. I think I’m more than my life.
But what is that thing that I am? I like to think that I’m really truth and love. I am what I am. I know this may sound radical, but I don’t think Goddess and me are separate and sometimes I think I am a goddess too. We are all gods of our own lives and we create them. The difference between this and being egotistical is that I don’t want to be the goddess of your life. Just mine.
You know that song Royal, ‘we will never be royal?’ I think we will always be royal.
I think we rule this mutha!