Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Am I Sexy or High Maintenance?


Did I ever tell you about that time I put rose petals in my bed because I thought it would be romantic and sexy?  Well it turns out I can't be that close to roses, I was sneezing up a sexy storm!

Did I ever tell you I spent 1000 dollars on clothes in one day? Again I was trying to be sexy.  A guy I met online was coming into town to meet me.  

I obviously bought a bunch of stuff but it all started with this very expensive slimmer.  It made me look like I lost like twenty pounds.  It was hard as a rock.  I think I stopped digesting food an hour after I put it on.  

To make a long story short I went nuts because it made me look like a I had no tummy.  I had a brand new beach body. I bought a bunch of clothes and dresses and shoes.  And I thought I looked amazing with my new "body!"  I don't even know.  Why did I buy shoes?  I had my parents credit card and the credit card fraud service called them...They said no one in the entire country was spending money as fast as I was.  I don't know if I buy that story.  My parents thought I was having a manic episode because shopping like crazy is a symptom of mania!

My dad was irate when he found out!  My parents were going to India in a couple weeks and I knew the credit card statement would come when they were gone.  

The real question is, was a manic or was it an episode of being boy crazy and clothes crazy?  No one will ever know but let's just say I wasn't having any other manic symptoms.  

My amazing parents let me keep one dress and a couple tops.  My mom made me return the slimmer she said it actually causes digestive issues.  Believe me I did not care but without it my belly was back.

I'm not high maintenance.  I realize I'm not making a good case for myself right now but I'm not like in need of matching... Ok let me think this through.  Am I high maintenance?  I have more clothes than Mariah Carey.  I mean that might not be a factoid but I'm a close second.  I love beautiful clothes.

You want to know what I did when I was thirteen.  I put a piece of tape on my nose to make it rise up a little.  I slept with the tape for a week.  

The things we do to look pretty or be sexy.

When I first discovered make-up, oh did I have a ball with it.  Let's just say I may or may not have looked like a clown's sister.  I didn't look exactly like a clown, but more related to a clown.  Just saying it didn't look theatrical it looked flat out ridiculous.   

Don't worry, I never put Kleenex or chicken cutlets in my bra, I always felt OK in that category.  I never even tried the miracle bra.  Why false advertise was my issue. 

I'm not going to say I have not tried EVERY diet that has come across my face.  I may or may not have done this weird beef eating plan and the only vegetable and fruit plan.  Gained weight on both of those "diets." 

Now I'm actually trying to get healthier, it's not a vanity thing as much anymore.  But let's be real, I want to be sexy.  I am sexy I mean but I want to feel it more.  Oh I won't sugar coat it:  I want to look like a hot mamma.

I mean don't we all want that, whether you're male or female?  I mean isn't that what all the shoes and clothes and jewelry is really about? I mean we are animals we want to get laid, plain and simple.  We want our feathers to be pretty.  

I like bright colors, personally.  I know it must be shocking to imagine that my wardrobe is full of color.  I feel like it represents the color in me.  I can't paint, I can't draw. In fact my drawing might be worse than my singing.  But that does not mean that there are not colors inside me.

I think that's sexy.

When I meet a guy it's not the color of his car or his skin that matters to me.  But the colors in his heart.

Was that too much?  Ha ha.

Personally I look fabulous in the color magenta.  It brings out the pink in my cheeks.  I don't want to even talk to you about my blush phase.  I looked like I had severe sun burn when I got my hands on blush for the first time. 

I know, I know, I would do anything to be hot...but I won't do this:  I won't really truly believe that my identity is in my body shape or my wardrobe.  

I will remember that my sexiness is in my smile, in the way my eyes really see you, in the manner in which I stand.  My soul is sexy, believe it or not.  

How do I know that?

Because sexiness is something in the air.  It is something that men feel from women.  Women feel it from men as well.  It's not something we see.  It's something we know.

I know sexy.      


Image courtesy of jscreationzs/

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