Sunday, July 6, 2014

Ask god to google It?


So I have a serious question for the almighty google, what if they go out of business?  I mean what if google's stock tanks?  What happens to my blog?  I should probably google it.  God knows I don't back anything up...

Right now I'm thinking about baking in the sun.  I'm going to a pool party today, of course I'm conveniently leaving my bikini at home.  Come on people I'm not ready to prance around in pseudo fancy bra and panties just yet! 

Let's call a spade a spade; bikinis are an excuse to wear lingerie in public.  Believe me if I had the body I would...not that there is anything wrong with anyone wearing a bikini.  Anyone but me.


Speedo's are a whole other story.  I'm not exactly sure how I feel about those.  OK actually I'm sure how I feel about those.


While you are reading this, Super Soul Sunday will be on OWN.  This buying a T.V. station routine is the stuff Oprah has to do before she buys America.  Oh what, you think she doesn't have the money?  I mean she's got more money than god and google combined. When we go to Heaven and find out she actually bought god, then we'll talk.  

She already owns the American Dream...get it OWNs.  Ha...I try...Alright already I never said I was Ellen DeGeneres.


You know what I love about Oprah the most?  The fact that she is the American heroine.  She was a poor, overweight, Black woman from Mississippi.  I mean let's talk about that for a second.  She's no bikini model is what I'm trying to say.

Oprah is beautiful but she doesn't fit the traditional beauty standards we as a society hold today.  Who really does?  I don't even think it is men who are looking for a rail thin body.  Real women have curves and real men know that.  Google the statistics about the average woman's size and you will find that.

Truthfully I need to get on Oprah's book list!  Does she still even do that? I know, I know, google it.  I'm working on my book and I'm going to start re-submitting it to agents and small presses.  Keep your fingers crossed!  And if you know someone who is in the publishing industry, in all seriousness, let me know...if you are Oprah let me know...

Sorry about the pitch, but I need all the help I can get.  I need to also learn how to promote my blog and make money off of it.  That's the eventual plan.  Anyone know how to do that?  I should probably google that as well.

The problem is I have no topic for my blog.  It literally doesn't fit into a category unless you consider a day in the life of Nina's head a category.  If you google it they say you should have a topic for your blog, oh what do they know?  I don't want to limit myself to "topics."  Random bullshit, there's topic for you!  Google that!

By the way, I'm doing darshan at my temple right now, Barnes and Noble, I'm in the parking lot.  Darshan means getting a blessing from something, I think.  The book gods have to bless me at some point.  I got my windows open and I'm using the Wi-Fi from Belle Tire.  It's a situation.

Why don't I go inside the bookstore?  I don't know.  I started by meditating in the car because I forgot to do it this morning. I think god was asleep or something because I couldn't get into it.  Then I started writing on google's blogger.      

The breeze was so nice I didn't want to go inside.  I don't deserve to go inside anyways.  I am just as guilty as the next guy of coming here, looking at an expensive book and then buying it for half the price on my Kindle.  But if they close all the bookstores down, do you know what could happen to someone like me?

Not only do I eat pray and love here, I want to sell my hardcover books here.  You have to be pretty hot shit to get a publisher to even sell your book in hardcover these days.  You have to be pretty amazing to get it in a bookstore at all.

Everything, including my brain, is online now.  I don't have a brain anymore; I have google.  This is my brain on google.  I don't think I have to know anything anymore, and if I forget something it takes like twenty seconds to come up with an answer.  I paid for many an education people, I will have three degrees at this point and I might one day get a PhD since I can't get enough of student loans, but I have yet to know what google knows.

In fact god and google are having a competition to see who knows more...I mean we know who is going to win, try asking god a question and see what happens!  I rest my case.  Maybe I can google my way to enlightenment!  Google me god!

I know, I know, I'm ridiculous sitting here in a 2013 gray Honda Civic talking about google in such a disrespectful way.  Google is hosting my blog for god’s sake! How many times can I say the word google?  It's my new mantra.  Say it with me people: GOO-GAL!

Oh I cleaned my car, only because I went on a date.  I can't let him know I was a slob in my car...Don't you dare mention it to him O.K.  In fact the guy made a comment about how clean my car was.  Ha ha.  I'm kind of Bipolar about being clean, either I'm a depressed mess or I'm a functioning randomly clean person. 

Yeah the boy I'm kind of seeing still doesn't know about my blog.  People are always worried I'm going to blog about them, especially guys.  And they have good reason to worry because I probably will. I try to keep the names of the innocent and guilty anonymous.  There are moments I want to out an asshole but I know better. 

I got into a fight with my mom today...OK I admit I can be a tad dramatic when it comes to domestic arguments.  I look like my mom and we sort of have similar personalities.  So we raise our voices a bit and we may do some hand gestures.  I mean Bombay Housewives watch out!

My mom was a beauty queen when she was younger, but she never really talks about that.  She talks about how she was number one in her class. She is a doctor so she can cut a human being open and cure them.  She doesn't bother googling diseases and finding random diagnoses the way we do.   She prays only to the real God and doesn't joke about it like I do.    

That is real beauty and class.  She would never dare go out in a bikini even when she was younger...she thinks they are too revealing.  She is a modest woman, a beautiful woman.  I'm probably secretly mad at her because I will never be as beautiful as her.  Don't tell her I said that because I'm really pissed at her right now. 

I ran away (OK drove away) from home today because I was so mad, that's why I'm using my computer in my car, like a homeless person.  I mean I realize and know that homeless people don't usually have Macintosh computers and leased cars.  But sometimes this car is my home.  It's my space.  My space to google the hell out of my life and map-quest the way to god.  

But you know what am I going to do, oh my god someone just walked passed me as I'm typing away in my car!  I must look like a complete moron.  I don't look homeless; I look a privileged little freak.  Anyways, as I was saying what am I going to do with all these gadgets and googles when it's time to meet god?  Isn't that what all the scriptures say?  You don't need to have a degree from Barnes and Noble to know that...

I never really cared about fancy things, I mean I like nice stuff but I'm no superficial nut.  I have an IPhone 4 for god's sake that I can't upgrade and it's slower at answering my questions than god is.  I'm still waiting to find out what the weather was yesterday!

I have a friend who is amazing not just because of her money, but because of her soul.  I call her my Oprah.  She has a Porsche that she bought with her own money.  I told her it was so powerful, it was like her own personal penis.   

Look I'll say it again, I don't have penis envy Freud!  I want the penis's to envy me.  Let's not get into a conversation about why men's private parts are considered more powerful than women's.  In our society they are, unfortunately.  

But seriously, I want to buy some bad ass car one day, a convertible something or other.  I want to shove it into people's faces, not everyone, but those people that look down on me because I'm not normal or regular.  I'm not generic enough to be in a category on google.  But on good days I like to think I'm a goddess.  I don't mean literally OK. 

I want to show the world I can do this thing called life, with style.  Oh my god, someone else is sitting in the car behind me!  OMG the woman is Indian!  She's an older woman, my mom's age.  I bet she's praying.  

Or is she googling?

Apparently you can do them both at the same time and come up with some wondrous answers.  Or more questions.  


Image courtesy of jscreationzs

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