Apple Computers and Other Tales of Woe in 2013

Let's talk about Apple computers for a second.  I'll have you know that I did not have much money to spend on a computer but I bought a Mac Air computer not to be hip and cool, but because they don't get viruses, they start real quick, and they are so light I can travel with them to cafes etc.  In essence they were at the time the best. 

Let's talk about how it broke down like in the first six months and they had to replace the mother board I have no idea what a mother board is, but it sounds important.  I find out later it is everything.  Then it breaks down again and it's something else.

Why did I spend a ton of money for something that wasn't supposed to break down?  Because I'm unbreakable.  Same reason I buy Japanese cars.  I was once in a terrible car accident in my Japanese car and it was totaled because I hit a semi and went under a car tower.  I didn't get a scratch.

My friend who works at Apple wanted to break his computer really badly so he would get a new one from Apple, so he put it in the washing machine without any water and let it run.  The damn thing still worked afterwards.  

So is it my luck that I happen to get the one bad apple?  Pun intended.

Then it turns out when I moved in with my friend in August, it just so happens that my computer's Internet connection doesn't work with her Internet provider, it works everywhere else.  I have to struggle to get Internet service at my own home.  I went to the mad house they call the Apple store and they tried to fix it but failed.  I'm so traumatized by the experience that I'm putting off going back. 

I feel like this is a metaphor for life. You can get try real hard to get the best shit around, whether it be a partner, a computer, a car, a phone or a job.  But if it ain't in your fate for it to behave properly, it ain't in your fate.  I couldn't control the fact that I got a bad piece of a good thing, even then I love the shit out of this computer. 

So when you look back at this year, remember what was in your control and what wasn't.  If you got the best job you thought you could get and it turns out to be a bust, well either make it work or quit.  

I realized this year that I don't know if I want to teach kids, maybe I would rather teach in college so I can teach young adults.  I think teaching is a two-way conversation, a deep conversation that maybe these kids are not ready to have.  Maybe I need more intellectual stimulation than what can be offered in secondary education.  I spent four years in teaching school, does this make me an idiot?

No I'm not an idiot, I mean I have three degrees at this point, two Masters and one of them is from Columbia University.  I'm not saying that to brag but only to point out that you can be over educated and still underemployed and underpaid. 

Just like my computer, I paid out of my ass to get the best education in writing that I could get. This last year, I was a little depressed because I didn't really write.  It was like a little death for me.  I like to write so much that I was writing this in my sleep, I kid you not that this blog post arose from a dream I was having about writing this very blog post.  

Writing and teaching are my two passions, the teaching part may come in a different form than I anticipated, but I can teach with an MFA (it's considered equivalent to a PhD) in college, but I don't think I was ready to do that until now.  I thought you had to have a book published...I thought I couldn't do it.

I don't know why I doubted myself.  You can have the best of everything, but until you have faith in yourself, you can't make it work. 

When I look back at this year I find that I have the best messed up computer, I mean if I was gonna get a messed up computer I'm still glad I have this one.  I have the best phone, OK, it's an I-Phone4 and it's not the best out there, but I'm blessed to have it, I came from a flip phone before this.  I also have a Kindle Fire, not the best tablet but not bad.   

But more than anything I have the best friends and family.  I have friends who would lay down their life for me, and I would do the same for them.  My family took me in and took care of me when I was in the worst shape of my life, and they love me despite the fact that I didn't follow their dreams, I followed mine. 

So I have to change some ideas I had about my job situation, I have to change some ideas about my life situation.  Sometimes you have the best and the worst at the same time and you have to make it work. 

I have the best job ever right now, I mean I sit around bullshitting, hoping one day someone will pay me for these words.

They will, one day it will happen.  

Not because I'm brilliant, but because I believe.  

This year was OK, it had great points and low points.  The most important thing that happened this year was my own personal consciousness, I realized that I can do anything.  I realized that I'm worthy of love and acceptance just the way I am.  

This year I became fabulous to my own damn self.  This year was the year I really found myself.

Now what will I do with myself...To be continued...

Do you Believe in Soul Mates?

Let's be honest I think my soul mate is the international man of mystery.  He's part everything and he's lived everywhere.  The question is does he exist?  Do soul mates exist?  Do you think there is one person for you, and that person is connected to your very soul?  I do and I don't.

The reason I do is because I once thought a guy was my soul mate. It was an unrequited love kind of situation, meaning that I never got to be with the dude.  In my head for some reason though, he seemed to fit.

And that's the reason I don't believe there is only one soul mate for one person.  Because that would mean I'm not with my soul mate and that's sad.  I really truly believe there is someone else out there who will make me feel like I'm coming home.  

I mean the problem with the theory that there is one soul mate is that your soul mate could be in Egypt and be speaking another language altogether, and you could never meet.  All the while you are dreaming of a soul mate when the person you are with in Idaho is actually the person that is meant for you.

I don't think we should necessarily throw everything away in search of the ideal person that completes us. Different people will complete us in different ways.  And maybe soul mates take a lot of work, maybe you can make someone your soul mate by working hard at loving each other, I mean the notion that your soul is connected to another soul could be true of anyone.   Maybe I could connect with anyone's soul if I really tried.  I don't know about this preordained fate stuff.  I believe your soul connects with the souls that will give it the most important experiences the soul needs on this earth in order to thrive.  

The problem with the idea of soul mates is that the notion that our souls are separate from each other.  I sincerely believe we are all one entity, that we are connected.  That we are one.  In some way or another everyone is your soul mate.  However there are still people that we seem more connected to for some ethereal reason, some eternal thing.

I believe that souls travel together, in like groups, and if you meet someone in that group, they may be one of your soul mates.

Where, pray tell, do I get my theories from?  Some of it is from new age thinking, the idea that souls travel together is not something new that I made up.  The notion is in Eastern philosophy.

I have a couple friends that I think may be soul mates.  I have a couple relatives that I feel the same way about.

There are people you meet and right away you feel at home with them, I believe they are somehow involved in your soul's journey.  Every soul you encounter is involved in this journey through space and time, but certain people's soul's seem similar and familiar to you.

I mean I have met people and thought I may have known them in a past life.  But just like my past in this life, it may have created who I am, but it is not who I am.  I have no memory of past lives, or who was in them.  I know right now, and right now I'm single and looking for someone to compliment me, not complete me.  I'm complete.

It would be lovely if I met an individual who I felt was a part of my innermost soul.  It would be lovely if I met a guy who appreciates my soul.  

No one is going to complete my soul.  But someone may touch it.     

Can Sexual Attraction be Racist?

So let me break it down for you, I was a weirdo in high school and still am.  My nickname on the school newspaper was Metaphysical Vegetarian.  So let me tell you a story about some stuff that went down in the nineties at Troy High.  If you were born during or after the nineties, I wonder if you will be shocked at what went on during this time period.  I've heard things have changed a bit.   

So back to 1993, I wrote for the newspaper and had a crush on a particular white guy who was waaay too "cool" and popular for me, I was nerdy and kinda alternative and hung out with all the Indian kids.  So I decide to set up a "blind" date with him for the newspaper, telling my editor that I'm gonna write about blind dates etc.  Well the guy shows up on the date expecting the homecoming queen I suspect, but he gets me.  I never went to homecoming cause I never had a date. 

It's a bad blind date.  All in all it's weird, uncomfortable and if I had any sense I would have realized we had no chemistry.  So we interview him after the "blind" date and he says he doesn't find girls who are not Caucasian attractive.  In short he only likes white girls.

So let me go over this real quick: I'm Indian and I'm not white.  I happen to like white guys, I happen to like guys period of literally any race.  My crush before him was a black guy my crush after him was an Indian guy.

Interesting.

We didn't publish the article because I was not allowed to date in high school and it occurred to me that if I printed this in the newspaper my parents would slaughter me.  But part of the reason I would not let this go to print was because I was ashamed.  I don't know if I was ashamed of being different, or I was ashamed that someone in the "mainstream" culture did not like me.     

The thing is, the guy didn't say he didn't like people who are not Caucasian, he just said he's not attracted to any girls who are not white.  I was devastated when I found out about this.  It was a different kind of hurt.  I mean I don't know, but I felt discriminated against.  I would have been much happier if he just didn't like me cause I wasn't "cool."  But the first and main reason he didn't like me was because I was a person of color.

But the thing is, one of my Indian friends in high school at the time only liked white guys as well.  So was she racist?  Now she likes guys of other ethnicities  but doesn't find black men attractive.  Is she racist or is she just exhibiting a preference? 

I know an Indian guy who really only likes blond women.  He also told me it was a good thing that I moved in with a white girl.  What?

What am I supposed to make of all this?  I like men of all races, ethnicities etc.  But people's sexual preferences, are they up for suspicion?  Should they be analyzed?  Are their weird factors of race relations at play here?

In the olden days during slavery, many slave owners were married to white women but raped black women.  The reason I bring this up is, the white men were sexually attracted to both races but could not respect the black women.  Fast forward to the present and let's be honest, you don't find many white guys searching for black women, but you do find more black men with white women.

Black women will tell you a black man who chases after white women is trying to find a trophy, a way to sell out.  I bet white men, a lot of them, will tell you they are just not attracted to black women.  And then there is us, the brown people.  We meander through, white men, black men, and brown men.  Since we are a medium color, we get an experience with all of this.   

In this whole weird game, is the white person the ultimate prize?

Is it because we see white people on the cover of magazines and besides the president, we see them in positions of power?  Is the ideal of beauty still white?  In Indian culture, the whiter your skin the more beautiful you are perceived.  If you look at ads on Indian marriage websites, they will often say that they are looking for a fair skinned bride.

It makes me want to vomit and I have fair skin.  In fact my skin is so fair she I am often mistaken for other ethnicities.  But apparently I am not the fairest of them all, because that one guy in high school did not find my ethnic coloring attractive.

Trust me when I say I'm over it...but I wonder?  I got to question myself here a bit.  In my school at the time, most of the popular people were white even though there were tons of Indians and other Asians in my school.  Was part of the reason I liked this guy because he held a position of power by being white and by being popular?  Hmmm.  Was part of my attraction to him about his power? Was part of his dislike for me about my ethnicity not being part of his group which he perceived as superior to my group of friends.   

I also wonder about other things.  I mean are there men who don't find Penelope Cruz or Halle Berry attractive?  Come on?

I mean there is a natural element, people are inclined to want their own "kind" for a whole host of reasons.  A lot of it has to do with familiarity and similar upbringings.  Some of it has to do with being attracted to someone who looks similar to you.  But to not at all find anyone who is different then you attractive is kinda closed minded I think.  I don't per say think it's racist, I think it's stupid.  

I don't want to judge, but I find it suspect, like when people have never tried other ethnic cuisines and only eat one kind of food.  I mean I respect the fact that some people don't like sushi, but there is plenty of other Japanese food to like.   There is a whole world of cuisine out there, you may not know what you are missing.  Just sayin...

Pretty soon people are going to be so mixed in this country that they will be part white, yellow, black, brown etc.  Maybe soon we won't really have a color.  I don't know if that time will actually come, but will we have these barriers up then?

I have a friend who is in law school with some young "kids" in their twenties.  He says that all this work about equality for race and women and LGBT people has really set in their minds.  Something is working.  They are not shocked that there is a black president.  Maybe they don't see so much difference in what races they find attractive.   

I hope things have changed for real.  I hope there is hope.

As for me I used to really want an Indian man in my twenties, I used to find that kind of man the most attractive.  Now that I've grown, I'm open to all sorts of men, race or ethnicity honestly does not matter to me.  I'm not against my peeps, but I'm open to all people.  But will they all be open to me?   

When is Controversy too Much?

When you are a writer you wonder sometimes, especially in an online forum, when are you revealing too much about yourself?

So I wrote a post that was too controversial for me and I was uncomfortable with it, so I deleted it.  I know a few people read it, and that's OK.  I guess my question is how much can I reveal on a blog without at some point just feeling like I'm standing naked in front of the crowd?

I don't walk around naked, so why would I talk around naked, so to speak.  Why would I write naked?  A good friend of mine told me I need to have a shell, maybe like a candy shell, so that I can protect myself.  I don't want to say anything that hurts me or hurts other people.  I want to speak my truth without revealing the innermost vulnerabilities of my heart.

It's a difficult balance.

Don't worry, I'm not celebrity yet, but my blog is catching on and I get more hits every day.  I wonder though, where do I draw the line?  I know the public is not my friend, they are not out to protect me or love me or support me.  They are simply reading what I write for God knows what reason.  It could be that they are bored at work, bored at home, ultimately amused by me, or they stumbled upon this by accident.  Who knows.

The point is I got really nervous when I posted the blog post that I deleted.  It was a feeling of sheer fear.  I was scared that I was going to be judged.  Judged by people I don't know and by people I know.  I was scared that they were going to make assumptions about me.

Then there is the thing about being Indian, dealing with the Indian community. I'm part of a community that tends to be very inquisitive gossipy and judgmental. 

The truth is I can be very inquisitive and judgmental about myself.  I want to know who I am and I'm not always comfortable with who I am and I don't always want to publicly announce it.

It's hard being in the public eye sort of, cause I'm not at the phase where I'm so famous that I don't give a shit what people think of me because they are paying me regardless of what they think.  I'm not even remotely getting paid or famous. 

But the Internet is so quick and fast and you can make a mistake really quickly, it can go viral in seconds.  It's hard to have a personal online presence where you where your heart on your sleeve.  

So what should I do?

I gotta be real, I got to be careful, I got to be smart.  

But I'm gonna make mistakes, say things I should not say and maybe have regrets.

That's part of this game, part of this profession, part of this new media.

We don't know exactly how to navigate this new way we have sort of a public presence on Facebook etc.  We are all in this together.  So please be patient with me, know that I'm as confused by all this, in a way I sort of don't know what I'm doing.  In a way I do.   

There is a part of me that feels like a coward because I can't read my diary out loud, but there are things that are ours to own and not necessarily share.  

So I will let the world get to know me, in parts and in ways.  I will try not to offend and I will try hard not to make myself uncomfortable with what I reveal.  

I hope this works out.       

Chivalry: Dead or Alive?

I won't date a guy again if he doesn't pay for the first date and I call myself a feminist.  What is that about?  I don't expect men to pay all the time, not even the second time, just on the first date.  It's a little kindness.

Does it mean I'm proclaiming that I'm weaker and need of financial assistance? No.  I just think it's nice.  I don't think it's some sort of symbol of patriarchy, I just think people should do nice things for each other.

I think chivalry to me means something different than it does to other people.  I think we should be chivalrous to older people and kids.  We should be extra kind to them, because it's a nice thing to do.  Not because they are weaker, but because we acknowledge that in our society we have more power than they do.   

Should women chivalrous be to men?  Sure, I think that women should show little kindnesses to men as well.  Does the kindness have to be cooking for them or doing their laundry or other traditionally "female" tasks?  No.  It can be buying them something or in fact paying for dinner or opening their door.

I think we should be chivalrous to strangers, like sometimes paying for the person who is behind us.  Or opening the door for them.

What happened to human kindness?  Why is it debatable?

So is it ridiculous for me to not go out again with a guy who does not insist on paying for the first date?  Trust me, I always insist, and I have paid for first dates.  But personally maybe I think the guy should in some way make up for the fact that he makes more money on the dollar than I do.  Maybe he should have to compensate for the fact that I risk my very life by stepping into a room alone with him, because he is stronger than me and could rape me.

I need him to be extra kind to me because in general I'm a little scared of men I've just met.  They could hurt me.  They could potentially pay for dinner and still mutilate my body, but to me the paying for dinner signifies that they are saying something about our imbalance in society.  They are saying "I know" i know there is a difference in society in the way we treated, what opportunities we get etc.  They are not saying, "I am Tarzan you are Jane."  Or "You are weaker and I'm stronger."

I mean there are men who are saying the Tarzan bit but those men will say it in other ways as well.  They are the men that beat women.  So how do you tell them apart?

You gotta trust your instincts.  My intuition tells me that if I go out to dinner with any stranger, I usually offer to pay.  It's the truth.  And I believe they should offer as well.  I'm being genuine and will often pay for a meal of someone I just met.  If we are old friends and just meeting after a long time, I will also offer to pay.

I don't even have any money people, once I do, I will offer to pay more and more.  But with a guy, on a first date, if he doesn't acknowledge that we are strangers, I'm trusting him enough to sit at a table with someone who could over-power me physically, I may even step into his car, then I think he doesn't get that I'm doing him a kindness by trusting him.

Does that mean that I should think it is extremely kind of him not to objectify or rape me?  No.  It means that there is an inherent kindness in offering to pay for anyone's meal, on insisting.  Especially when that person is literally risking their life by going on a date with them.

Am I being overly dramatic.  I don't think so.  Date rape is so common it's ridiculous.

Whether or not a guy pays for a meal, he could rape you.  But when he pays to me he is saying thank you for trusting me and taking the time to get to know me because my kind, i.e. other men, have made a bad impression in society.  They have pillaged and raped and beaten women, I want to say, thank you for taking the time out to get to know someone who comes from that club. 

He is saying: We are not all like this.        

Do You Think I'm Pretty?

Let me tell you a story...When I was like twelve, I was overweight and let's be real, not very attractive.  I was kind of nerdy, but I had a sense of wonder and laughter that really attracted some people to me, some people who I still consider my best friends.  I was an insecure little girl, but I had a sense of humor and an intelligence that carried me through that time of my life. 

Well when I turned like I think it was fourteen, I lost some weight and stopped dressing in baggy clothes and put some make-up on and suddenly I was pretty in the traditional sense.  I got unwanted attention from men who were older than me and even a teacher.  But I also got the attention from some boys that I wanted attention from.

Truthfully I became egotistical about my looks and felt I was on top of the world in a way.  Although I knew I was more than my looks and I didn't know I was more than my looks.  My self worth got scarily attached to this new found beauty.  I don't have pictures to show you this, because I've always looked horrible in pictures, you are gonna have to trust me on this one.

Then when I turned like sixteen I got a bad case of adolescent acne, probably because I was wearing very unnatural make up and using really unnatural products on my face mixed with excessive hot water, I have extremely sensitive skin and didn't realize I was damaging it.

I suddenly felt my self worth go down the toilet but I still had my writing, and I clung to that, and tried to cling to anything about me that I could find in order to find something to feel worthy about.  My sense of fun and my depth kicked in again.     

I felt ashamed of my face for a whole year or so.  Then after that bout of severe acne, I had a little bit of sensitivity and some zits, but generally I felt OKish about my looks.  I had red marks on my skin from the acne which I would cover up with make-up and was very embarrassed about.  But from the age of like 17 on I started to feel relatively attractive again, I had gained a little weight but nothing to write home about.  But I started to value myself as a person, as a real strong woman.

When I was in college I felt I could really start to be me, but I was a prude at that time when I first entered college.  I was shy around guys and didn't dress sexy at all and gained and lost weight again and again.  Then farther into my college years I became more comfortable with my looks but never really had a boyfriend because I was uncomfortable around men, I didn't like the way I felt they in some way objectified me.  I wanted a guy to like me for me, but I was too shy to show who I really was.  Imagine me, too shy.  I know.  But the thing was my intellectual pursuits and my creative writing pursuits were extremely important to me, my pursuit of the opposite sex confused me.

Then after college I had a boyfriend who loved me loved my body even though I was a little overweight, and loved my face with or without make-up on.  He actually loved me.  The real me in a way I had never experienced before.  He loved my thoughts and my ideas and my writing.  He made me feel like I was lovable, but that relationship went down the drain because I didn't love him, and that's the truth.

After college I had some unwanted experiences with men who were older than me, and that's all I have to say about that.  I think I became scared of what impact my looks had on men who were bad.  I started to get panic attacks.  Then I gained some more weight.

I did date and had a couple relationships after that, but I felt uncomfortable with my body.  I felt like I was attractive, but not attractive enough.  I wasn't comfortable with my body in intimate situations.  Then during the course of the last seven years I've gained a significant amount of weight.

You wanna know what's happened to me?  I see the way people don't look at me, especially men.  I have to be someone, I've got to be my flamboyant and fabulous self in order to get attention from men.  I can't just sit and look pretty.  I'm not shy anymore.  I mean after college I kind of lost that shyness, but I really don't give a shit anymore.  I mean I come on the Internet and bear my soul.  So much for shyness.

My worth is no longer based on the way that I look.  Yeah I know I don't look as physically attractive as I used to.  And truthfully it does bother me and I want to do something about it.  I've been told I have a pretty face, but in a society like ours it can only get you so far.

It's quite possible that I'm afraid to be attractive because of a few bad experiences that I've had.  It's possible I gained this weight due to a difficult life mixed with bad experiences with a couple of men.  But it has made me a better person.  I swear to god I ain't makin' this up.  It's not about having a lesson at the end of a story.  I'm actually a better person.  I don't have as much of an ego.  At some points in my life I thought I was hot shit.  I just don't think in that way anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I want to be attractive, more attractive than I am now.  But at this point if someone doesn't love me for who I truly am, regardless of my weight, than I'm not in.

I want to feel pretty again, I do.  This older married man who I believe sort of had a crush on me in some kind of way recently said to me, "Pretty is as pretty does."  He was married, but I appreciate the fact that he appreciated me for who I am.

I'm beautiful.

Don't hate me.  



   

So This is Christmas, and What Have you Done?

Another year over, a new one just begun.

It's a time for reflection.  I mean what have I done?

This year I moved in with a great friend of mine, this year I taught for the first time in my life.  This is the first time I've had a job that meant something to me.  I found great people to surround myself with.

It's Christmas day, and what a beautiful day.  Friends and family are stopping by our home, we will drink eggnog with brandy and eat cheesecake and a strata.  It is lovely.  It is festive.  It is good.

Today I want to really be happy.  I want to be happy because life is a big celebration today.  I like to celebrate, mostly I like to sit and talk and laugh with friends and family.  And I don't mind delicious food.

You know there are people who get depressed during the holidays because they don't have real people to be close to during this time.  Some people don't have food or a place to live.

I'm gonna repeat, I don't think today is the only day we should think about these people.  But today I will.  I will say a prayer, I don't even pray, I meditate, but I will say a prayer for those that have less than me.  I will remember there is a god, whatever that means.  And I will be thankful for the people I have in my life.   

Yes I'm thankful for the beautiful home I live in and the lovely wardrobe I have, and the computer gadgets etc.  But mostly I am grateful that I have people.  And I'm thankful that the universe or the goddess or whatever has made my life worth living.  And that I have been sent angels, I really have.  If you are one of my angels thank you.  I will not name you, but you know who you are, I hope. 

Sometimes I'm not sure who my people or peeps really are.  Is it the people I grew up with, or the people I see everyday, or writers, or spiritual people or Indian people or Sikh people? 

But today I want to say, that anyone who cares for me, that person is one of my peeps.  And this is the day we reach out to those people.  I want to say thank you, thank you for taking a moment to read this.  I'm trying to do something here, some of it is professional, I'm trying to get my work out in the world.  And some of it is personal, I have something to say.  I'm so lucky I have people I don't even know paying attention to me.

I love attention and I love love.  Today is a day to love.

If you receive presents than love the person who gave them to you.  If you receive hugs, hug back a little tighter, a little longer.

Laugh.

If you have kids, make them see that they are Santa Clause too. That Santa Clause is a state of mind.  He is about giving and a little bit about receiving.  Teach them to receive his gifts the right way.

Be thankful.   

Remember Christmas is really about  a man who was very much like Rudolph the red nose reindeer, he was ostercized but eventually he led the way.  I believe that Jesus was a beautiful and phenomenal prophet, I'm not Christian but I'm not anything really.  Maybe I'm Sikh but that may be debatable.  But I believe there were and are people on this earth that have and will transform society.  In Hinduism and Sikhism we believe there are ages and we are in the Black Age, and we will transition back into The Age of Truth.

I believe there are saints and prophets now...I'm not gonna name who I personally think is one of them because that may be a matter of opinion.  But there are those who have inspired millions and will continue to inspire us to move to this new age.  There are those who have inspired but one person to live fully. 

If today is a day of prayer for you, than believe those prayers will come true.  Know that what you put out in the universe will come back to you.  

Believe.

Obviously Jesus Christ inspired Christmas, whether he was born in July doesn't matter.  He inspired all this.  This planet's party.   He wasn't exactly a party planner, but nevertheless succeeded at creating the greatest party on Earth. 

So Merry Christmas!  I hope you have fun!