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Wednesday, July 15, 2015

A Room of One's Own


If you're feeling blue, lock yourself in a room, stand in front of a mirror, and dance - and laugh at yourself and be sexy. Dance the silliest and ugliest you've ever danced. Make fun of yourself and try to recover your sense of humor.
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“It is much more important to be oneself than anything else. Do not dream of influencing other people...Think of things in themselves.” 
― Virginia WoolfA Room of One's Own

Well I finally did it, no I didn't move out of my parent's house yet, however I moved into their furnished walkout basement.  It has large windows, a kitchen, bedroom and shower.  Why I didn't do this earlier, I have no idea.  

Nothing could make me happier than having my own space.  I'm elated, on cloud nine.  I didn't realize how much I needed this. I needed room to breathe, to be me.

I needed a place where I can sing. I sing often, the acoustics are good down here. I smile much more now that I have a place where I can laugh at myself, cry at the world, and sing badly.

I even think I may start dancing down here for exercise, there is a rather large living room here that has open space.  There is a treadmill down here, however it's more of a conversation piece at this point. I hate the treadmill. I think the treadmill hates me too...


On another note, I've decided for various reasons I will probably stay in Michigan, I will look for a full time professor job here. Yes eventually I will move out of this basement, but for now things are good.  

Funny thing is that I feel happy. Sometimes I don't know what to do with that feeling. I don't know how to be happy. I'm not always sure what do do with myself. Sometimes I listen to Indian music and play the tabla on the table with my fingers. It's an Indian drum that is played with the fingers. I feel like I'm in a different country sometimes. I feel like I'm real.

I think I was becoming invisible when I didn't have my own space. I was disappearing. Apparently I exist though, and I have a place to be. Sometimes I feel like I'm playing house, like I used to in our old house when I was a kid.  I lived for a short while in the basement with my cousin Leena and we would pretend we were cool and single and dating and doctors. She went on to become a doctor and got married.
I'm still pretending to be cool and single and dating. I don't pretend to be a doctor anymore, however I'm trying to heal myself nonetheless. So I light candles and listen to soothing music and meditate. I don't feel alone. I feel like the universe is with me in here. I feel like I'm in the universe.

I feel free.

nina 

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