Wednesday, July 15, 2015

A Room of One's Own

If you're feeling blue, lock yourself in a room, stand in front of a mirror, and dance - and laugh at yourself and be sexy. Dance the silliest and ugliest you've ever danced. Make fun of yourself and try to recover your sense of humor.

“It is much more important to be oneself than anything else. Do not dream of influencing other people...Think of things in themselves.” 
― Virginia WoolfA Room of One's Own

Well I finally did it, no I didn't move out of my parent's house yet, however I moved into their furnished walkout basement.  It has large windows, a kitchen, bedroom and shower.  Why I didn't do this earlier, I have no idea.  

Nothing could make me happier than having my own space.  I'm elated, on cloud nine.  I didn't realize how much I needed this. I needed room to breathe, to be me.

I needed a place where I can sing. I sing often, the acoustics are good down here. I smile much more now that I have a place where I can laugh at myself, cry at the world, and sing badly.

I even think I may start dancing down here for exercise, there is a rather large living room here that has open space.  There is a treadmill down here, however it's more of a conversation piece at this point. I hate the treadmill. I think the treadmill hates me too...

On another note, I've decided for various reasons I will probably stay in Michigan, I will look for a full time professor job here. Yes eventually I will move out of this basement, but for now things are good.  

Funny thing is that I feel happy. Sometimes I don't know what to do with that feeling. I don't know how to be happy. I'm not always sure what do do with myself. Sometimes I listen to Indian music and play the tabla on the table with my fingers. It's an Indian drum that is played with the fingers. I feel like I'm in a different country sometimes. I feel like I'm real.

I think I was becoming invisible when I didn't have my own space. I was disappearing. Apparently I exist though, and I have a place to be. Sometimes I feel like I'm playing house, like I used to in our old house when I was a kid.  I lived for a short while in the basement with my cousin Leena and we would pretend we were cool and single and dating and doctors. She went on to become a doctor and got married.
I'm still pretending to be cool and single and dating. I don't pretend to be a doctor anymore, however I'm trying to heal myself nonetheless. So I light candles and listen to soothing music and meditate. I don't feel alone. I feel like the universe is with me in here. I feel like I'm in the universe.

I feel free.


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