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I'm only at 64% battery power and I have four more hours of work. I work at the Writing Center at Baker College, I'm a tutor in the summer. No one ever comes in so I basically get paid to sit around doing nothing.
I was thinking about doing nothing lately. Just being. It's so interesting to me. I'm starting to feel more alive, more real, and more aware. A lot of this has to do with the fact that I have had the time to do nothing. I have a vacation from teaching for two months and I'm loving the hell out of it.
I needed to be alone with myself. Get to know myself. I didn't really have a conversation with myself, it was never that obvious. It was quiet. I learned to be quiet.
It is harder than you might think to shut up. Even to yourself. I believe we are aware beings and that our awareness is who we are.
What does that mean anyways? It means that I am not just a woman who is in Michigan, a professor or a whatever. I am all of those things and none of those things, I can't take those things with me when I move into the universe, or into death. The only thing that moves with me is my awareness, the fact that I can live and breathe and be.
Does that even make sense? I mean it kinda makes sense to me. But that doesn't mean it means anything to you.
I wonder sometimes, I wonder about a lot of things. I wonder if there ever was a time I did not exist. I don't think so. I mean are we just part of the creation, then we did not exist at some point. Or are we part of the creator and the creation? Then in that way we have always existed.
I don't like the idea that I'm part of something bigger unless I can keep my identity. I don't want to lose me. I like me.
Wow, I actually like me. What a concept. It's sorta new to me. I mean I've always had a soft spot for myself, but do I really like myself? Would I dare use the word 'love'? Do I love myself?
Maybe. Sometimes. Kinda.
That's all I got.