Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Mystery Machine

As a woman, I’d like to think I’m mysterious. However, mostly I’m blunt, crass and putting myself out there with every little detail of my innermost thoughts. But there are still some mysteries to me:

“Why are there so many songs about rainbows and what’s on the other side?"  First of all, have you ever heard a song about a rainbow? I don’t know what Kermit the frog is ranting about, but I love that song.

Where do I live? In Troy, Michigan. Nina of Troy. Like Helen. That’s the title of my autobiography that I’ll write before I die. What do you think? I’d like to move out of Michigan, as fabulous as it is.

Does water and electricity still not mix? Because I just spilled some water on to my outlet and the plug and a few hours later I hesitantly put the plug back in and I didn’t get electrocuted and I’m still alive. WHEW! That was a close one. Oh my god, I’ve had a near-death experience. HOORAY! I always wanted one. (No, I didn’t see a shining white light).

If someone has morning sickness because they are pregnant, if they travel to another country, do they have night sickness because of the jet lag? I have a cousin who is pregnant and I was just thinking about her.

Will I ever have my own children? I hope so. I really, really, hope so. I know there’s overpopulation, but I would also like to adopt, but who’s gonna let me after reading this bullshit? I wonder if nowadays adoption agencies look at your Face Book etc. accounts.

Where have I been for the past few years? I was in outer space. I’m serious. I was gonna save it for my next book but since the first did so well, I figured—I met E.T. He’s better looking in person. No but seriously, I was busy.

I met Mork, you know, from Mork and Mindy. He’s more of riot in person. (Did you know they had to get censors who knew like Yiddish when Robin Williams would go on his Mork rants?) People, the man is a real alien, no person can be that brilliantly hilarious just naturally.

OK seriously, if you must know, I had one of those Lifetime Original Movie breakdowns. It takes a little while to build yourself up after one of those. So now do I have like “issues?” Oh go to Hell, of course I do, so do you. Am I high maintenance? Some days I am. Some days nothing in the world matters to me.

Actually, do you have to be an important person to say, “I was in Exile?” I was. A woman in Exile.

What exactly is Exile, you ask? For me it was when I tried to run into the woods, to leave the world, and “find” myself. I found that I am myself. (Do you have any idea how much money in therapy it took for me to realize that rather simple fact?) Exile is interesting. Sometimes you can put yourself into it. Sometimes other people can nudge you along.

Either way you realize that the world follows you in your head, not just via satellite or wireless Internet, but via your heart.

There is nowhere to go, nowhere to hide besides even if you go to outer space, you’re still here. Earth is sort of unforgettable. It’s a mystery to me.


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