I'm going to my cousin's wedding today, it's just a court marriage for now, but it's exciting none-the-less. When thinking about marriage, I was just wondering when and how we learn to love. I remember learning my times tables and somewhere in the middle learning about the Civil War, but I don't remember specific lessons on love. It's funny that there is no manual, because it's the only thing that we do that really matters.
I was lying down on the floor staring up at the ceiling. I was thinking about "How" as in "How To" can I love myself. But the truth is they don't teach love in school but they teach you how not to love yourself, how to judge yourself, how to judge other people.
The reason we don't need to learn how to love is because it is innate, in our very being, we are love. I don't care if it sounds cheesy, I'll say it again, we are love.
We don't learn to love, we learn to unlove. We learn to unlove ourselves, our people, our very existence. We have to unlearn how to unlove.
So it's not a question of how do we love ourselves, it is a question of how we ever stopped.
I don't remember when I decided that I wasn't good enough. I mean I don't hate myself or anything, but when I was teased as a little girl in kindergarden, it must have clicked that there are people who will not love me and then maybe I started to question my lovablility in general.
I could go on and on with examples of how certain people in my life didn't love me enough. But really, it comes down to me. I don't love myself enough, whoever's or wherever the fault may lie, I don't know how to love without condition. The word "IF" is conditional, "If I lose weight I will love my body, if I get that book published I'll love myself as a writer, etc. etc...."
How about, I am therefore I love. I love me, even if I'm broken and sometimes stupid and weak at times. Those things don't define me. I mean does god make mistakes, because if he doesn't than I'm no mistake. If he doesn't than those things I call "wrong" or "mistakes" I make are not written in stone. Thankfully there are no stone structures of me, so I can change.
But I gotta love me before the change, during the change, and after...I got love me even if I stay the same. That's really hard. Maybe we are here for that test, the ultimate test. We are imperfect, but can we love that imperfection.
I know there is no one more imperfect than me. I also know there is no one I need to love more than myself.