Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Dark Days

Some days are hard, and you think you might not make it through the day.  Stress and boredom mixed with anxiety and guilt.  Sprinkle that with annoyed and lonely and you have my day today.  I'm not sure exactly how to make it better, except by writing this.  And it helps.  It helps to talk to you, whoever you are.

I mean I'm 36 years old and I just moved back in with my parents a few months ago.  Is that pathetic?  I love the rents to death, but they might send me to an early death some days.  Today is one of them.

Then a good song that is so truly appropriate just came on the radio, "I guess that's why they call it the blues," by Elton John.  I know, I know, I'm not cool, I voluntarily listen to Elton John.

I kind of have the blues.  Didn't I just say I was happy the other day or something?  Fuck that.  I'm a moody little bitch.  Yeah, I'm generally content, I'm just irritated and don't know how to channel that irritation into something positive.  I just broke my diet with a big chocolate chip cookie at nine a.m.  Who eats cookies at nine a.m.?  Fat people, that's who.

Now I'm just being mean to myself.  The truth is I'm doing alright and things have been worse, much much worse.  But it's like I have three or four writing assignments due in the next couple days and I'm busy writing this.  I mean I needed a break, but, come on.  I should use my powers for good, not frivolity. Not that I consider this blog frivolous, sometimes I feel like it's one of the only things in this life that is truly mine, my baby.  I know I don't always contribute to it or take care of it, but it's all mine and no one else's.  I don't have a child or a husband.  I don't have anyone who is mine but I got you people.  So thank you, I can't say it enough times, I'm honored that you are here, taking this journey with me.

Let me tell you today we ain't goin' to a pretty place.  The dark side though, it's not so bad to visit it once in a while.  I mean I've been depressed before and entertained very vaguely the notion of suicide, but I never took ANY steps towards it.  I dabbled in self hate, but I never truly hated myself.

Life wouldn't be the same without death, right?  I mean it's like this big gaping question as to what happens and we have absolutely no idea what it even entails.  Some people think we go to sleep, others think we dance around the universe.  I am of the latter belief, but what do I know?

For all I know, there really is a hell that's actually worse than this earth.  Maybe there are things that exist in the universe that are worse than what we can imagine if there are things that are better than we can imagine.

Oh hell, this life is hellish enough.  You know, it's like I just want some peace, and I'm empty.  Just empty.  I feel blank today.

But it's O.K., 'cause I've been here before and it just gets better.  By the time I post this I'll laugh about it.  But for the time being I want to go in a cave and hide, and lay there like a baby, not telling anyone where I am.

I'm done with that hiding out in my bed shit though, so instead I'm sitting here in a cafe trying to make sense of some classic rock, "Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you got till it's gone..."

Maybe I'll miss this, the blues.  It's kind of poetic and gives you a reason to bitch.

Sympathy, people, I want sympathy.  I want you to let me cry on your shoulder.

"Lean on me, when your not strong, I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on..."

I'm currently leaning on you, so you better be there.


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