Happy Is as Happy Does

I can't decide if I'm happy or not.  So I thought I would blog the question out.  Are you happy?


I mean, what does it mean anyways?  Does it mean I'm laughing all the time?  No.  But when I laugh I really laugh.  Several people close to me have told me that they have never laughed as deeply as they have with me.  I'm honored to receive such a compliment.


But happiness is not about laughing only, is it?  It's about feeling fulfilled in so many different aspects of your being.  It's about getting enough sleep for godsakes.  Happiness includes having good people in your life, loving what you do, and feeling like you have a higher purpose. Oh and chocolate.  There ain't no happiness without chocolate.


But that's not the end of it.  Yet, it's funny how happiness doesn't really include owning that Porsche or that mansion, but those things add to it.  I mean sometimes having too much can make you unhappy, but that's another story.


But there are things you should not do that can make you happy.  Spending money you don't have can make you temporarily happy, but you shouldn't do it.  You should not do drugs even if they make you happy.  I for instance should not sing, as happy as it makes me.  (In fact I used to think that if I hear another  Adele song on the radio, I would projectile vomit.  But I don't think it's Adele, I think it's my rendition of her that's making me sick and I'm taking it out on her.  I sound like a traumatized elephant.  Adele is great, but if I hear another mimicker of Adele on some singing show, I will also crap my pants).


What does Adele have to do with happiness?  It's funny but when I first started listening to her I was happy even though her songs are horrifically sad.  Ironically sad songs make me happy.  Happiness is complicated.  Happiness includes tears and vomit.  You can be happy on the toilet for godsakes, come on.


I don't mean to be vile, but the happiest moments in my life were filled with uncertainty, confusion, laughter, love and even sadness.  The day I got accepted into Columbia University my grandfather passed away.  I experienced a roller coaster of emotions.  I got into the most expensive grad school in the country, how will I afford this? My grandfather lived to be 98, let's celebrate.  I got into an Ivy League school!  He is dead.


The beauty in it is that we get to experience it all and it all adds up to something.  Call it happy, call it sad, call it life.  Maybe there is another after life that doesn't resemble this life, where everything is good, but won't we be bored after awhile?  Just like we are bored with our possessions and privileges won't we be bored with our happiness?  And how would we know it's good if we knew no bad?  After a while would we start to think the good was bad?


Oh pitter patter, the questions can go on for days.  The point is, nothing is really right in my life right now except for the fact that I'm starting to get happy.  I don't know exactly why or how, I mean there are a few prominent factors, but overall I think it was a decision.


I have to live here.  I can live here happy or not.  No one else cares.


So I made a decision, I'm gonna take the good route.  I don't want to just live the dream, I want the dream to live through me.  I have to own the dream, give the dream directions.  Dreams are fucking retarded.  Without your determination, dreams are nightmares.  Try it sometime, if you are having a bad dream and you wake up, tell yourself that you will have good dreams from now on.  Command yourself.


Remember you are in charge here, not your dreams.  They are fickle and they will pass.  But reality is right here right now.  Not tomorrow, or if, are you happy right now?


HAPPINESSNOWHERE.


nina