Zen and the Art of Being

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Today I choose life. Every morning when I wake up I can choose joy, happiness, negativity, pain... To feel the freedom that comes from being able to continue to make mistakes and choices - today I choose to feel life, not to deny my humanity but embrace it.
---Kevyn Aucoin
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I'm only at 64% battery power and I have four more hours of work. I work at the Writing Center at Baker College, I'm a tutor in the summer. No one ever comes in so I basically get paid to sit around doing nothing.

I was thinking about doing nothing lately. Just being. It's so interesting to me. I'm starting to feel more alive, more real, and more aware. A lot of this has to do with the fact that I have had the time to do nothing. I have a vacation from teaching for two months and I'm loving the hell out of it.

I needed to be alone with myself. Get to know myself. I didn't really have a conversation with myself, it was never that obvious. It was quiet. I learned to be quiet. 

It is harder than you might think to shut up. Even to yourself. I believe we are aware beings and that our awareness is who we are.

What does that mean anyways? It means that I am not just a woman who is in Michigan, a professor or a whatever. I am all of those things and none of those things, I can't take those things with me when I move into the universe, or into death. The only thing that moves with me is my awareness, the fact that I can live and breathe and be.

Does that even make sense? I mean it kinda makes sense to me. But that doesn't mean it means anything to you. 

I wonder sometimes, I wonder about a lot of things. I wonder if there ever was a time I did not exist. I don't think so. I mean are we just part of the creation, then we did not exist at some point. Or are we part of the creator and the creation? Then in that way we have always existed.

I don't like the idea that I'm part of something bigger unless I can keep my identity. I don't want to lose me. I like me.

Wow, I actually like me. What a concept. It's sorta new to me. I mean I've always had a soft spot for myself, but do I really like myself? Would I dare use the word 'love'? Do I love myself?

Maybe. Sometimes. Kinda.

That's all I got.

nina

Candle in the Wind

Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.

Buddha

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Do you ever feel like you are drifting? I don't know sometimes where my head is going. I want to say something, but I'm not even always sure what it is. Something about the light, maybe the light of a candle.

It flickers, and dances. It's making a statement just by existing.

I want to be like a candle, so soft and bright and I want to light the way. There is something so alive about the small fire. If I were to be a fire, I'd want to be that small. Daring but yet not really dangerous.

My parents are against me burning candles, they think I will burn down the house. I think that's funny.

I like to meditate with candles burning. I read this study they did on monks and it proved that meditation can make you happy. Something about positive brain waves. 

It's not always easy to meditate, because you have to stop your wild mind. You have to both concentrate and let go at the same time. Sometimes you feel like you are losing yourself, sometimes you think you have found yourself. Both things are probably occurring at the same time. 

I have fallen asleep meditating before, however it was probably a sign that I needed more or better sleep. They say it's OK if you fall asleep while meditating. Sometimes I meditate with my eyes wide open, I look out the window at the light and the trees. 

I think that's OK.

I think everything is OK though. I took a hippie test on Facebook and got 89% hippie. I don't doubt it. I sometimes think I was born in the wrong era. I would have been a great hippie with my long tie-died skirts and my peace loving attitude. 

A Republican friend of my father's called me a Communist the other day. I don't know, I mean without dictatorship Communism is the ideal policy. Maybe. Kinda. Everyone gets a place to live and food.

I lived in a commune on Staten Island for a hot minute. It was an interesting experiment. At least they had a community. 

I don't really know my neighbors or care to. I guess I have my own community, but I don't know.

So there you have it, these are the random thoughts that occur when the candle is in the wind.

nina

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Be The Change

Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.

Barack Obama

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So I've been thinking about how quick life changes, we are all a few paychecks away from being homeless. We are one bomb away from being in a war. We have no idea how close we are to an earthquake or tornado. 

Anything can happen.

I say this because I'm going through a positive cycle, yet I don't want to be attached to the things that make me happy.  I want to be happy, so happy that even if I didn't have those things I would be fine. Because I could lose everything in one moment, and I have before, and I know that it can happen to anyone and any time.

I stayed in a hostel once in New York and met an Indian woman who was homeless, she was a highly educated investment banker who lost everything after 911. That scared me.

She was actually really wealthy at one point, and she had pictures to prove it. However she lost everything in an instant.

I was in New York on 911. I didn't lose a damn thing, no friend or relative of mine was in the twin towers. I was five miles away. However I felt it, felt the feeling of loss, even if it wasn't personal, it was in the air. 

Someone was trying to take something away from me, my idea of peace. I didn't give it to them though, the terrorists. If you let terrorists take away your peace of mind, they win. No way was I gonna let them win. 

I had a friend who was Muslim and the police suspected he was a terrorist because of his last name. They interrogated him with no cause. They almost ruined his life.

The police were racially profiling everyone during that time, I was "randomly" selected at the airport in New York every time. Many of us are one wrong move away from being incarcerated.

We are all so close to the edge of life, to the end of existence as we know it that we could lose our sense of self at any moment if we don't build ourselves inside.

The only thing we have is our peace of mind, or sanity, our self love. They can take everything away from you, but they can't take that away unless you give it to them.

I always thought that if I was wrongfully convicted of a crime and ended up in jail, they couldn't take away my ability to write, my ability to think. They couldn't take away my ability to meditate. Because I don't need anything material to do these things. 

Many of us are incarcerated in jails of our own making. I've been there. All I can say is, you hold the key. 

I want certain things to change in my life, for the better of course. But I know there is always the risk that they may change for the worse.

Things may change, but will I? Will I change for the better, or for the worse? I think it's up to me.

nina

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A Room of One's Own

If you're feeling blue, lock yourself in a room, stand in front of a mirror, and dance - and laugh at yourself and be sexy. Dance the silliest and ugliest you've ever danced. Make fun of yourself and try to recover your sense of humor.

Salma Hayek

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“It is much more important to be oneself than anything else. Do not dream of influencing other people...Think of things in themselves.” 
― Virginia Woolf, A Room of One's Own

Well I finally did it, no I didn't move out of my parent's house yet, however I moved into their furnished walkout basement.  It has large windows, a kitchen, bedroom and shower.  Why I didn't do this earlier, I have no idea.  

Nothing could make me happier than having my own space.  I'm elated, on cloud nine.  I didn't realize how much I needed this. I needed room to breathe, to be me.

I needed a place where I can sing. I sing often, the acoustics are good down here. I smile much more now that I have a place where I can laugh at myself, cry at the world, and sing badly.

I even think I may start dancing down here for exercise, there is a rather large living room here that has open space.  There is a treadmill down here, however it's more of a conversation piece at this point. I hate the treadmill. I think the treadmill hates me too...

On another note, I've decided for various reasons I will probably stay in Michigan, I will look for a full time professor job here. Yes eventually I will move out of this basement, but for now things are good.  

Funny thing is that I feel happy. Sometimes I don't know what to do with that feeling. I don't know how to be happy. I'm not always sure what do do with myself. Sometimes I listen to Indian music and play the tabla on the table with my fingers. It's an Indian drum that is played with the fingers. I feel like I'm in a different country sometimes. I feel like I'm real.

I think I was becoming invisible when I didn't have my own space. I was disappearing. Apparently I exist though, and I have a place to be. Sometimes I feel like I'm playing house, like I used to in our old house when I was a kid.  I lived for a short while in the basement with my cousin Leena and we would pretend we were cool and single and dating and doctors. She went on to become a doctor and got married.

I'm still pretending to be cool and single and dating. I don't pretend to be a doctor anymore, however I'm trying to heal myself nonetheless. So I light candles and listen to soothing music and meditate. I don't feel alone. I feel like the universe is with me in here. I feel like I'm in the universe.

I feel free.

nina 

The Princess Complex

I prefer Princess. I would love to be known as a diva later on in life when I've had far more experiences.

Deborah Cox

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My mother calls me Queen Elizabeth when she's mad at me, "Oh thank you for joining us, Queen Elizabeth," she will declare.  I like to think of myself more as a Princess Diana.  And she has not clarified if she is talking about Queen Elizabeth I or II.  Big difference: huge.

Like a decade ago I was working somewhere and a guy used to tell me I reminded him of Alicia Silverstone.  Clueless. Something about how I flipped  my hair.    

I'm not sure how I feel about all these nicknames.  Nina Kaur literally translates into Princess Nina, which I'm fine with. However I'm not so fine with being designated as a queeny clueless bitch.  

My mother doesn't mean any harm. Just like when I call her Mata Shree, and I have no idea what Mata Shree means.  

The truth is I want to be known as a princess until I'm old enough to be called a diva.  I know I'm not that young, and I may just be fabulous enough to be called a diva now, but I like to dream that I'm still a princess.

Why? Well first of all princesses get all the princes.  Second of all princesses are forever young. 

Am I really and truly a princess, I wonder? I mean it's really not that great of a title. It means you are heavily entitled. I mean sure, I have more clothes than god. More shoes than Mariah Carey. I like to dress up. 

If I'm truly a princess, than I should be a good one. I should be more like Diana and do community service or something. I have too much. Some of my friends are princesses as well, if you are reading this you might be a princess. 

Or a prince, let's not be sexist. I think that maybe if you are thriving in an upper-middle class or above economic level, you might want to think about how entitled you are. 

Not that there is anything wrong with having things. Not having things for yourself is not going to give anyone in the third world anything. However, you know, caring and sharing.

Why did we love Princess Diana so much? Because she was like Cinderella, she had a hard life. I like to think I'm a princess who has had some hardships. And she gave back.

I don't know what I have to give back, but I intend to give back something at some point. Is that good enough? It's going to have to be. 

nina kaur

Who is in Your Mirror?

I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.

Audrey Hepburn

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I showed the music video Man in the Mirror to my college class that I teach.  I didn't have to explain it to them, they got it.  But I think I need to explain it to myself.

Who is the person in the mirror?  I was talking with a coworker of mine about having a variety of things that you identify with, so that if one fails you, you have something to fall back on.  

For example, if you identify as a mother first, if something happens to your child, you would fall back on the fact that you are also a nurse and woman, and Hispanic.  Or something.

That woman in the mirror has many identities.  And good for her, she is complex.  Sophisticated.  How many identities do you have? When you don't let one thing define you, you become a multidimensional being.  

But was is being?  I wonder sometimes what it means to be. You don't have to look in the mirror to be, because really it has nothing to do with the way you look.  Looking and being, are two different things.  

What do you want to be?  I want to be pretty and funny and smart. I want to be happy and successful and rich. But sometimes I just want to be me. 

What does that even mean, being me? I don't know, sometimes I just want to be nina and not worry about all my identities and images and desires and everything else. Sometimes I think what makes up me is a conglomeration of a lot of weird shit. But I'm not only weird. I'm also simple.

Maybe. Can't you be simple and complex at the same time. I like rain. Maybe there is nothing more to me than enjoying water. Water is really simple. However, it could be kind of complicated as well, I don't know that much about science. 

So maybe there are men in the mirror. Maybe Michael Jackson didn't know which man he was.  I sure don't know what kind of man he was.  Was he just a great musician? Was he an awful molester? I don't know him anymore than he may have known himself. 

There are a lot of women's faces in my mirror. The one I choose to see, the one I choose to be, morphs from time to time. Yet I know, it her I need to find. Or be. 

I hope she's beautiful.

nina

Trivial Thoughts of the Insane

So where are you right now? How many of you are on the toilet, I wonder? Do you do some of your best thinking on the loo? Honestly I do some of my best thinking on the porcelain throne called the toilet or in the shower. 

I don't know why my genitalia must be exposed for my brain to work. However there is something meditative about these rituals. When you are doing something that doesn't require any thought on your part, thoughts start to flow in.

Like when I'm driving, or on the treadmill I sometimes have my best epiphanies. When it comes to aha moments, where do you have your best ones?

Where do you think the best?

I'm not sure if I think the best sitting at my desk at my computer. Maybe I should dance when I'm thinking. My mind should dance more. 

I'm at Starbucks listening to some bad music they picked out. I need to talk to the owner about this music, it's loud and obnoxious. It may be getting in the way of my brilliant thoughts. I think that's why I'm not having any.

Blame it on the music. Blame it on the rain. Remember Milli Vanilli? I think one of them killed themselves, is that right? I just checked, it's right. It's funny how you don't have to wonder about many things anymore because of google. I mean if google doesn't have the answer than you will truly never know.

You know I've been meditating lately, because if I don't I end up worrying about random things, like the band member in Milli Vanilli that killed himself.  I mean was it Milli or Vanilli? Did they actually identify one of them as Milli and the other as Vanilli? And if I'm actually concerned about the answer to these things does it mean I really have no life?

I woke up at the crack ass of dawn today because I was having nightmares about a couple of my students who might fail. Why am I staying up nights worrying about them? They didn't do the work, so it's their own damn fault. They don't answer my emails when I ask them for work, so I've done my part.

However the things we worry about can take over our very selves. We worry about things we have no business worrying about. Like what other people think of us, or what the future will be like. 

I'm having a dilemma lately about whether or not I should move to get a new job. All the professor jobs I'm looking for are out of town. The thing is I'm kinda happy here, in this Podunk town in Michigan (by the way Podunk is an actual word in spellcheck). I guess if I can be happy in the middle of Michigan, maybe I can be happy anywhere. 

Yet it took me 39 years to get happy here, how long will it take me somewhere else? However, maybe I will just show up to the new place happy and then happy things will happen to me. 

What do you worry about? What keeps you up at night? Are they crazy thoughts? I wouldn't be surprised, most of us are a wreck when it comes to thinking. 

I'm trying not to be such a mess with my thinking, but it's hard. The mind goes where it goes. I think about my laundry when I should be writing my book, and think about writing my book when I'm doing my laundry. I can't seem to get it right. 

The dishes are piling in the sink, and I've got pages more to write. I've got to lose weight but I'm hungry for some chocolate. That's the way it goes, right?

It's not right. It's mostly wrong. 

But it is what it is. We are what we are.

We are made with this huge brain to think with, and we waste it away worrying about trivial matters. I'm going to try to only think about things that matter, I mean I'm going to try. 

What matters though? I'm not sure. I matter. That's all I know.

nina