Writer's Block is a Lazy Woman's Lie

I've been putting off writing this since I started putting off writing this...I can't quite remember when that was...

Funny this is one of the first times I'm blogging not because I want to or feel inspired to, but because I should.  This is weird.  I'm doing something I don't really feel like doing, and it feels OK.  

I usually blog cause I want to blog and don't when I don't feel like it.  It's not really working out for me.  

My inconsistent uninspired self needs some discipline, I can't even spell that word.  I don't like that word.  

But I was watching Super Soul Sunday and this guy said, "put your ass where your heart is."  Meaning if you want to write, sit in front of the computer and just do it.  So here I am, doing...let's see how it goes.

Today I finished like the umpteenth book about how to transform your life, that's my new thing...every book comes down to the same thing.  Meditate.  Then do your shit.    

So I closed the books, shut off my Kindle and I meditated.

I don't know.  We will see what happens. 

Some people meditate by saying, "I love myself, I love myself, I love myself."  Personally that makes me feel like a douche, sorry I know it really works for some people.  I like to use ancient Indian words cause that's what I grew up with.  It makes me feel less self conscious and frankly less stupid.  Repeating, "I am great" or whatever just seems a little odd.  

All those mantras mean love, whether it be universal or love of self.  Universal love includes loving yourself.   

Another thing I'm doing is like my version of Weight Watchers, I don't use the apps. I don't bother really counting much of anything.  I look at something and estimate how many points it will be and I go with it.  It's actually working, so there.  It sounds stupid, but diets are ninety percent going to fail, so I have to do something different.  Something I can sustain.  I can sustain the estimation game.

You wanna know why I'm doing all this?  Cause I can.  My ho hum life is not fulfilling my first world expectations of the beautiful life.  Is it OK to expect more from life? To think you deserve happiness?  Yeah, why the fuck not?  I'm kinda happy sometimes, then some jerk usually says something to throw me off balance.  I can't get rid of the jerks in my life, but I can get rid of my imbalance when they come around.   

I'm so uncomfortable with myself I haven't taken a decent picture in like ten years.  Not just because I think I'm fat, but because I think I look bad on camera.  I don't think I'm ugly.  I just don't think I'm beautiful.  Or I should say I didn't think I was beautiful until I started to whatever, I love myself, but only kinda.

I was told my one author to look in my eyes in the mirror and say, "I love myself."  How about this?  I look in the mirror and say "I love you!"  The "you" is "me."  Anyways, when I say I love myself, do I split into two people or do I stay one person.  Who is being loved, and by whom?

I know it's just a game.  I know that I have to love myself.  That's gonna be the hardest thing I will ever do, and the best.  You see a friend of mine said he felt like he was damaged goods, and I yelled at him for saying this about himself.  Then I thought about it myself, I think I'm damaged goods.

I think I have been through too much that no one can love me.  I mean in my head I know that's not true.  But in my heart, I'm not sure.

That's a sad way to end a blog, especially since I haven't blogged in months.  I would love to blow some sunshine up your ass in the end and tell you everything is gonna be alright.  I mean it will be.  Some weird bastard will love me, and maybe even you.  

nina