I always wanted to be like Sarah Jessica Parker in "Sex In the City." I thought I could write about sex but I can't. Not this way, on the Interwebs. I mean I truly and really want to write about sex I do. But there is this prudish, Indian girl mentality that I cannot get over. I scene out sex in my novel, but that's different somehow. It's not the evil Internet. I'm not sure if anyone will buy the book, but everyone can read the Internet.
And a novel is fiction, it's not about me. This blog is glaringly about my very body and soul and sometimes my mind. This is me.
So can I eloquently talk around the subject of sex? I don't know, can you?
I'm not even sure why I brought this up...the thing why is there all this pressure to not be a slut for a woman, whether you are Indian or not? Women have to worry about not being perceived as a whore while men have to worry about how many women they can conquer.
It's all a mess...
I don't particularly want to be a good girl, or a bad girl, I want to be a woman. I want to be all that that encompasses. I'm tired of being judged or judging myself.
It's not that I need to blog about it, but how comfortable am I with the act of sex itself? I mean is all of society controlling my brain in the bedroom?
This guy I'm talking to recently told me that I'm kind of a prude, and I don't disagree. I mean we were just texting and he wasn't even suggesting that we sext, but there was something about my tone that suggested to him that I was not fully free.
I'm not sure what it means to be sexually free.
I don't want to talk particulars here, because apparently I'm prudish. The real question is can I love my own damn body? Can I let someone else love it?
I'd love to, but how? I know I know, look in the mirror naked and scream "I love you!" until you mean it! I mean I've never done that...I'm gonna try it and I will let you know what happens. I'm willing to try anything these days.
Look I don't particularly want to be like hippie sexually free, like dancing in the woods naked and having sex with a bunch of people. (Not that there's anything wrong with that). What I really want is to have a monogamous relationship with some spice is all.
I think I had to put the monogamy piece in there so that I don't seem like a hussy. Why am I so worried about that label? I'm not worried people will think I'm bat shit nuts or anything else, but if you comprise my sexual integrity that's where I draw the line. Why?
Because we live in a society where a woman's sexual conduct will always be on the table for judgement. It's sick. It's wrong. But I'm not gonna say I haven't called a fellow female a whore.
We are all guilty here, women included. My mother and I cannot, do not and will not talk about sex. We never will and I don't want to.
But maybe that's too bad. I'm very close to my father, but he would be shocked and find it deplorable that I would blog about sex. We obviously never talk about it.
I usually go to my soul sisters for sexual advice. And we have been known to judge a sister and we may have judged her for doing something we would "never" do. But who are we to judge?
People should be able to play the way they want to play.
And usually the ones who are judging are not getting any themselves.
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