Do you ever wonder if you are really young at heart? I mean I'm young but I'm not as young as I used to be five years ago or five minutes ago. But as a dear friend said to me, "I will never be as young as I am at this moment."
I don't know exactly why we want to be so young. I mean do you remember yourself like ten or fifteen years ago? Do you remember some of the stupid things you did? I mean I'm not saying the younger you are the stupider you are, but I am kinda saying that aren't I?
When I'm fifty I will think it was kinda dumb to worry about the things that I worry about now. But when I'm fifty I will wish sometimes that I was thirty-eight. When you really look at it closely I have somehow kept myself alive for thirty-eight years. That in itself is sort of magical.
I mean if we are all animals, which in a a great sense we are, we have somehow managed to feed and shelter and clothe ourselves for X amount of years. That in itself is amazing. On top of it we have managed to get educations and jobs and marriages and kids etc.
They say youth is wasted on the young, but is it really? When I was like thirteen I went on a diet and I wanted some cookies. I decided I could not afford those cookies so I tried to throw them up. I couldn't make myself throw up for some reason, I believe at that moment I was saved from a bout of bulimia. I probably would have kept throwing up everyday if I could at that time in my life. I was that stupid.
I was that young. I didn't even know there was a name for that.
But you don't have to be young to be stupid, there are a lot of people who are older who do things worse than throwing up their food. They drink themselves to death. When I was in college we used to drink a lot more than I drink now. If I met people now who drank as much as the people I met in college, I would think they were crazy. Back then I just thought they were having fun.
To a great amount of young people smoking pot and drinking is the only way to have fun. Sometimes it takes getting older to realize there is more to life than that. Unfortunately for some, they never get over it and they can't laugh without a substance. I think that's kinda sad. Is it 'cause I'm too old to understand?
Now that I'm in my late thirties, I laugh like I did when I was in preschool without the assistance of any substance. I literally sometimes laugh to the point of crying, just by joking around. I remember laughing that hard in preschool and getting in trouble for not taking school seriously. Is my laughing young, or is it old?
Maybe it is timeless. Maybe we are timeless. Maybe sometimes when we act like kids and play, we are wise enough to know that there is beauty in that.
When I was in my twenties I was thinner than I am now and got more attention from men. But I was waaay more insecure about my very self at that time. I always worried that people didn't really like me. Now that I'm older I worry that I won't like other people. If you don't like me, than don't like me. I don't care. I used to care what others thought of me, now I care what I think of others.
I don't necessarily think life is a school. I think it is an experience. I think in our heart of hearts there is a priceless wisdom that knows everything. If we tap into our intuition we will probably hit that wisdom. Kids seem to have it and they haven't been to college yet, but some of them know how to just be. To be happy.
We unlearn a lot as we get older. But most of all we experience a lot and sometimes that leads to unhappiness, and sometimes it leads to a wisdom that happiness can only be found by understanding our timeless nature.
We are not young or old, we just are. Who knows how many thousands of billions of trillions of years our souls have been alive. We are made, at least I think, of the substance of god, and he was never not alive.
I mean I know we think of god as an old guy, but imagine if we pull the curtain and he's a kid. Laughing his ass off. Playing a video game called Earth. He's playing us. This is his game, he plays Earth for fun. When you play a video game, you don't care if your avatars are young, old, or even if they die. You just play another round.
So if we are characters is god's video game, or movie, or book, let's realize that's it's just that, a game. Maybe we came here to enjoy ourselves. I doubt we came here to suffer.
I suffered internally a lot more when I was younger. I have bigger worries now it is true, but I don't suffer about the little stuff as much. Am I a kid at heart or am I an old soul?
Who knows, I just want to live. At the end of my days, when there is no doubt that I'm damn old, I want to say that I lived. That I was young and sometimes I was old. Either way, it had nothing to do with how many years my age was, it had to do with my state of mind. Sometimes I didn't have a care in the world, like a kid playing pretend. Sometimes I understood everything, like an old man playing chess.
Either way, I'm just playing here. My real self has no age.
I'm not going to get into the fact that there is no such thing as time, because I have issues comprehending that myself. But I believe it. If Now is the only moment and there is no time, than what the fuck are you worried about right now? Tell me, do you really have time for it?