Friday, June 24, 2011

What Happened to Me?

So this is what I think happened, I mean the reason I stopped writing this all started with Egypt.  Egypt was protesting about THIS and THAT and the other thing and it was all sooo IMPORTANT.  How could I say anything, even anything remotely that important?  They were using Facebook to start a revolution...I was whining about shaving my arm pit hair.

I mean who really wants to hear about nina this and that and the other thing?  Real things were happening.  And  nothing was happening to me.

OK, maybe it wasn't just Egypt.  I mean, maybe it was more that I thought I didn't have anything left to say.  I literally couldn't think of anything to say...I couldn't think of anything worthy...worthy of you, whoever you are, to read.

But the thing is, if you are like me, sometimes you just don't want to express yourself.  Sometimes you want to be alone and not be heard and not say anything at all for just a minute.  And just be.  Maybe I needed that.

I know I'm not a disciplined person, in the traditional sense of the word.  I am sort of trying out different spiritual thoughts, and the idea of discipline, like maybe meditating and writing everyday, well I like those ideas but I haven't followed through with them.  I don't work out every day or floss every day.  So how could I expect myself to blog every day?

But there are things that I do do every day.  I try to be real.  I try every day to remember that I'm alive for the simple reason of being alive, even if I have no purpose: I live, and that's enough for me.  On the other hand every day I try to have a purpose.  Every day I try to be thankful for something, even if it's as simple as a chocolate chip cookie.

Some days are really hard and because I battle depression, (I'm not suffering from it, rather I battle it away now) but there are days when I can't feel right no matter what I do, and sometimes on those days I do nothing and feel like nothing.  And when that feeling of nothing passes, on a regular day like today....I feel so good, so good because I know what it feels like to feel bad...and every day that I can get out of bed and do something productive with my life, I try to remember that I'm lucky.

Sometimes I think that my problems are monumental, than I am reminded again of Egypt.  How my mind stopped working when I saw those people, was moved by those people, who were really living.  I mean they were doing something, saying something, being something.

Some of them also would die for their cause.

I haven't died for anything yet.  Nor do I particularly wish to.  At least not yet.

However, I don't have to compare myself with the people on the news.  In fact I don't really want to end up on the evening news.  No news is good news.

I realize now that I could have said anything in last six months or so, and you may have been interested or moved or simply accepting of it.  I could have blogged about the weather, and you would have understood that sometimes its the nothingness that binds us together.

So much has happened in the last six months, but in this way nothing changed, nothing at all.  I can't even imagine that it has been six months since I blogged.  I missed it though, there is something about connecting with people so directly and spontaneously that is really fun and really cathartic.

I can't ever promise that I'll be the consistent blogger, unless of course someone pays me and turns this into a job.  But just as a writer, as a starving artist, I love the inspiration and beauty of this dialogue that I have with you.  I hope you will be patient with me, follow me when you can, and take my pauses as a breath of fresh air.


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