So I've been trying all these things, like trying to like research happiness. I've read so many books and articles and listened to motivational speakers. I've tried meditation, yoga, writing, breathing techniques, and like visualizations.
There is nothing wrong with any of this shit. And I really sort of believe in it all. But sometimes, I don't really think I need any of it. Like when I watch kids. They are just happy, before they read all the books on happiness and see the motivational speakers, they just are. They play.
I think I have forgotten how to play. This friend of mine commented, after reading my blog for the first time, that I start playing a sport. I don't think it's a bad idea, I do have this like angst that could possibly be helped by throwing around a ball. He said something about pointless tasks being beautifully freeing.
When I was a little girl, me and my cousin would play like we were two Sex in the City type women and we would pretend like we lived in a city and had boyfriends and were career women. I don't know why it was so fun to pretend like we were adults and now I want to be a kid.
Besides the fact that kids don't have to worry about things like rent and where their next paycheck is coming from and they don't have to dwell upon the cobwebs forming in their wombs, kids are generally free to be fascinated by the world.
Little things fascinate them. I mean I can't remember how many times I watched the Road Runner smash to smithereens and would still go back to see more. It didn't take much to satisfy me as a kid.
So I am wondering how I get that childlike wonder again. It would be nice to have a kid, but ruling that out for the time being, what about pretending like I'm happy. Pretending like I don't have that exam to study for and that loan to pay off.
I mean half of being is pretending and kids pretend all day long. I had a an imaginary friend, I think her name was Jackie. When my real best friend, Amy, wasn't around Jackie did the job.
I mean I can't have an imaginary husband until the real one shows up and I can only fool myself so much when pretending like everything is going to be all right.
But it's not all fake. I mean in the end, what's the worse that could happen? I guess I could die. But in the end, that is actually what is going to happen.
Some say we are all in denial about our deaths. Some people say we never die, that life goes on after death. But regardless of what happens in that space, I want this space to feel good.
Smiling is simple. Happiness has got to be simple. You don't need a PhD. In fact education may be prohibiting us from being happy.
Maybe doing things like singing and dancing, while I'm doing things like cooking and cleaning. Or maybe I should learn how to sew, I've always wanted to learn how to sew. Or plant a flower, or like get massages more often.
I think, very often, just be simple nina. Stop all the sophistication for second.
I think that I have to stop thinking.
So think about that. Or don't.