The thing is, sometimes I'm a bad person. I don't mean to be, but we all got to watch out for ourselves, don't we? Especially when it comes to dating...
Like take this for example: I meet a guy online and he tells me he has been out of work for the last two years and finally he got a new job (a contract job until the end of the year at least). But he had to move into his mother's place last year because things apparently got really bad. He said that he isn't ready at the moment to be in a relationship because he's financially strapped and can't really afford a relationship until he pays off his past bills. Yet we talk on the phone every day and he says he likes me and wants to get to know me. I like him, he's funny and smart and caring. He doesn't give me a time line or anything as to when he will be ready to date.
I have this like tug of war thing inside me. On the one hand I like this guy (he's not the best looking but I've always been able to overcome that) and he makes me laugh and think. But in like two years, if we got married, is his job stable enough, I mean if he loses this job will it be another two years? Can I live like that? Yeah, I know I'm jumping the gun and thinking about wedding and stuff, but I have to think long term.
After some time I tell him that I need someone who is more financially stable. I'm completely honest with him, I don't tell him some bullshit reason why I can't talk to him anymore. He reminds me that I'm not financially stable either at the moment, and he doesn't understand my double standard. He says I've been brainwashed by my parents who want me to marry a doctor or lawyer. He tells me he didn't realize that all I cared about is money.
Needless to say I felt bad, felt bad that I did care about money, that I do want someone who can provide for me even during the times that maybe I want to take time off for children etc. I mentioned this to him and he said that I was living in a dream and that I would end up a divorced single mother if all I wanted out of a relationship was money.
Wow, I thought. I mean should I feel bad about caring that someone can at least have the funds available to take me out to dinner? I understand that people get laid off and hurt in this economy, but he had a contract job that could end at any time and he could have gotten laid off again. But should I have stuck with him before I even knew who I was sticking too? I didn't really know him yet. Yeah I liked him, but I have liked a lot of men.
Alright there is a notion that you can live on love. And I really believe that you can. If I had met him somewhere and fell in love with him and this was his situation, I might have accepted it. But I wasn't in love with him yet. I was planning my love choices and, and he didn't fit the choice that I thought I wanted.
Is it OK that I have a double standard? If I was a lawyer or doctor, would I still care if my partner was a success? I think I might. Am I brainwashed though? Are these my thoughts, or like my parents?
I like to think these are my thoughts. And in this way, call me a bitch, but I want a man who is somewhat of a success in his career. I want him to be able to financially support me if I want to take time off to write a book or raise a child.
But really, more than that, I want love. Real love. The kind of 'fuck the rest of the world' love that you read about or sing about or see in the movies. (I am aware that kind of love morphs, but if I can at least marry my best friend...)
I mean I know I'm looking for everything, love and success, and may not find it all in the same man. If it so happens that the love of my life is just not very successful, then so be it. But I'm not seeking out men who are mediocre in their careers. And I'm not seeking a love that lacks passion.
You might think that this is why I'm still single, because my standards are too high. You might be right. But it could be that it just hasn't happened for me yet...and that I have to have standards because I don't want to end up living a life of quiet desperation.
But if you know me, I won't be quiet about it.