Tuesday, August 25, 2009

If I had a gun...

OK let’s talk about guns. OK not really. Let’s talk indirectly about guns. Let’s talk about imaginary guns.

I met a guy, OK, “met” is not exactly the word. I once encountered an individual who was stark raving mad crazy and owned an imaginary gun. It was the first week I moved to New York in the year 2000.

See the things is; imaginary guns have always been legal. That guy with the finger in his pocket, the one you saw in a movie on TNT, he’s real. A gun is easier to fake than an orgasm.

Me and my gay neighbor were in the subway, he was the first friend I made in New York. But he had just moved from Oklahoma and I had just moved from Michigan. Do I need to explain that statement?

I never called my gay neighbor back when he called to see if I was OK on 911. He was a good guy and I am not a good person.

Besides the point, but fake guns were made to be shot at people like me. Oh I deserved it. I don’t know why, I just get this feeling like I deserved it. Is that low self worth or the truth?

“If I had a gun,” the crazy man sitting in front of me on the subway at night said directly to my face, “you’d be the first person I’d shoot.”

I sat there and said nothing. Did nothing. I was sitting in the handicapped chair and he was handicapped and he was mad that I, an able bodied woman, was sitting in the handicapped chair. Mind you I was in the wrong, I have a father who is blind, I understand disability.

But he threatened to kill me, really loudly, over and over again, he kept saying the same thing, “If I had a gun you’d be the first person I’d shoot.” He clearly had no gun. No access to a gun. There was no violence in his crippled body. His voice, his voice I will never forget.

The disabled are brilliant…my blind father can recognize a person from their voice. That man recognized an idiot by the way I was staring into space, stone cold. I was sitting my privileged beautiful ass in the handicapped seat.

Did he somehow know I had a Blockbuster fine of thirty dollars that I NEVER intend to pay? Did he know I don’t recycle? Did he “Know that I’m no good..."(Say what you want about Amy Whinehouse but she is a genius).

I’m sorry I don’t know why I’m such a horrible human being.

But the man knew my secret self. He knew I was egotistical and wanted to be a real famous writer one day. He knew I wanted to make lots of money. He knew people like me.

And if He had a gun…

God who would you shoot?

I mean excuse me, who are you gonna shoot next?


Someone in the world just died.

Don’t fuckin’ tell me guns are good.



  1. Hi Nina,
    you are a riot. I love reading you blog, it's so funny. How's the writing coming along? Funny how similar our goals are. I want to be happy (my first book has just been published and I am looking forward to all the media stuff) I want to be healthy (need to loose 20 pounds and get my cholesterol below 200), I want to be wealthy (not just financially but in all aspects of life), I have a fairly good cake business and will hopefully have a job as instructor at the Le Cordon Blue culinary school in Scottsdale. Keep blogging and stop by and say hi sometime.

  2. hi Nina
    why are you convinced you're a horrible person? if you have a deep, dark secret about something truly terrible you did in your past, fictionalise it and best-seller-ise it.. if "all" you have done is e.g. not given to charity or broken someone's heart cos you didn't love them back, that doesn't make you a bad person.. i'm intrigued as to why you think you're so terrible.
    i bet you're not that bad.
    Ninas are generally awesome,
    love Nina x