Serenity

"So this is Christmas, and what have you done?  Another year over and another just begun..."  John Lennon or the Beatles or whoever sang that.

So the year is over and we all inevitably ask ourselves: What have we done?

I can safely say I did nothing.

I mean it.  I didn't further my career in any way, I didn't lose weight, I didn't find a guy, get married, have kids, and build a good damn picket fence for the dog.

Instead I woke up this morning and the dog shit on the carpet again.  I tried not to see it as a sign.  I am the one cleaning HER shit.  What does that say about the balance of power in even that relationship?

So basically I've even failed to properly domesticate a dog.

So I must have accomplished SOMETHING, this year.  Well, I learned that discipline is my friend, if I get up early, meditate, work out, eat well, write everyday even when I have no thoughts; if I do some or all these particular things I in particular have a chance at being happy.  I learned that I'm a victim of inertia, I'm either going and going or not going.  I'm trying not to be so extreme.

What did you learn?  Maybe you lost your job this year and learned that it's hard to be happy without money.  Or maybe you lost someone in your life and you realized you would rather have them back than all the money in the world.  Maybe you won the lottery. (Isn't it funny how someone won the lottery this year?  Isn't it not funny that it wasn't you?)

What else did I learn?  Let's see, I learned that even if I like the president the country is not going to have a revolution.  Same shit, different dog.  Although I like this particular breed, there is a fine line between being a democrat or a republican, I have no idea what that line is or where I'm going with this.  But I do know that I can have my own revolution even if the country remains the same.

I learned that I have good people in my life.  I have somehow, through some magical fate, created and maintained some beautiful relationships with people who genuinely care about me.  Some of these relationships I have neglected but these people have remained solid none-the-less.  If you are one of these people, thank you.

OK, enough learning, let's talk about what I still don't know after a year:  I still don't know what I don't know.  On the extremely negative self-talk side I don't know if I'll still be fertile when I find my soul mate, I have these sudden maternal instincts and wonder if someone as crazy as me should even have kids.  I don't know when I will cash in on my talents, i.e. my novel etc., hopefully it's before I die.

Like you I still don't know when I'm dying, so I'm gonna try and live like I'm dying.  Isn't that a song?

I do know what it's like to have a glimpse of happiness.  Every now and then, I was happy this year.  I am oddly happy right now...maybe it's the holidays or maybe I've turned a new leaf.  (Leaf?  What does that phrase really mean?)  I know that I don't want to be a miserable old goat and being positive takes work.

This year I will make no resolutions.  I will make no promises.  I do have goals, but I said I would make a phone call to volunteer and I still haven't done that, I don't think I'm good at  keeping promises to myself.  What does that mean?  I'm I gonna give up?

No I'm gonna try a different approach this time.  This time, this year, I'm gonna think positively even in my darkest hours, if I get depressed I'm going to remember that I have gotten out of it before.  I'm gonna try and meet people who have had similar weird experiences as I have had.  I'm not gonna try and change myself, just like you would not want to change your best friend.  I want to be my best friend and accept who I am, and maybe what I don't like about myself, I will examine and not "change" but sort of redirect.

I realize I'm just playing with words, but words are important to me, and the word "change" is not working for me at the moment.  "Hope" will hopefully work for me though.  This time, I'm not just gonna hope for better days, I'm gonna try to architect those days by the Serenity prayer that addicts use, after all I am addicted to the status quo:

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change those I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

 That should be a song.

This time I'm gonna sing...hopefully if no one else is out there listening, I will at least hear myself.

nina