OK so I'm such a good person that instead of calling that women's shelter, I woke up at six this morning and got to a shopping center by seven. I shopped (for myself) non-stop until three-thirty ( i went with other people, it's not as scary as it sounds). I know...I'm sick...I'm devoid of any Christmas or other spirit. So how do I justify being this person...this person who just the other day claimed that Christmas was to materialistic for her precious ass?
I guess I don't justify it. I think I'm done justifying shit to anyone, especially myself. Yeah, so I like to shop. More than I like to do a lot of things. Maybe even more than I will love listening to a woman tell me about how she has been raped....maybe I will love being that person who listens with integrity and then I will go shopping afterwards to make myself feel better.
I'm sure you've heard that song by Amy Winehouse, "I treated myself, like I knew I would, I told you I was trouble, you know that I'm no good." I don't actually think I'm no good, I just think we are complicated people. People are more complex than good or bad could ever encapsulate.
I said I would call a woman's shelter and maybe volunteer or something, and I didn't. Sometimes I don't do what I say I will. They say the commitments you make to yourself are the most important ones. A good friend of mine told me that I need to stop thinking about things and just start doing them.
It's really not that complicated when you think about it. I want to be good. But wanting is nothing in the real world, it's like wanting to be rich...who cares unless you are. You have to do something to get rich, you have to do something to be good. So since I really want to make this phone call and maybe inquire about volunteer positions....I think since I somehow managed to get a college degree or two, I can manage this.
I can manage to be good. Why, I have to ask myself, am I so concerned about doing the right thing? I mean I believe in Karma, but that's not the reason I do things. The truth is: I don't wanna be no good. I don't think you do either.
Maybe you can also pick up the phone and do something...even if it's like calling your mom. You know that other song by No Doubt, "Don't speak, I know what your thinking...I know your good, I know your good, I know your real good."
If there is anyone on this earth who knows you're at least worth something even if you don't do shit for anyone, it's your Mama.