Sunday, February 8, 2015

She's a Good Girl...

"I'm kind of a good girl - and I'm not. I'm a good girl because I really believe in love, integrity, and respect. I'm a bad girl because I like to tease. I know that I have sex appeal in my deck of cards. But I like to get people thinking. That's what the stories in my music do."


I haven't read or seen "Fifty Shades of Grey," but I'm a little interested in why it is so popular. I wrote a novel that I'm trying to get published, there is a sex scene in it, but nothing like wild or anything.

I'm going to be honest, as an Indian woman I have this need to have a 'good girl' image. I still worry in the back of my mind that people my parent's age will think I'm dirty or nasty if I talk about sex. I think I might even worry that anyone would think that way about me.

I'm too old for this, I need to grow up and not care what anyone thinks. But the question is how do you have an adult conversation about sex in a forum like this?

I don't even know. This is not Cosmopolitan, I will not give you tips on how to make your love life better. I'm probably not going to reveal that much about myself, because honestly these things are personal.

So what angle will I take? 

Well one question I have is why are women always reading these tips on how to satisfy a man while men are just busy watching porn? I read a study that watching pornography a lot makes a guy less sexually satisfied because real sex is not instant gratification the way watching porn is.

So there is my whole thing about why you shouldn't watch that much porn, dudes. Women watch it too, but I don't think it's as often or regular. Although I met a woman who was a sex addict so I could be making great generalizations.

The thing about porn is the boobs aren't real, not much is real. Women don't really look or act like that in real life. Men are just setting themselves up for disappointment by watching it.

I mean I'm not a prude but I wish was freer. I wish I didn't feel like I have to put on the persona of a good little Indian Sikh girl who giggles when she thinks about sex.

In our Indian culture, to this day, we look our parents generation in the eye and pretend as if we have only heard about sex before marriage. I've heard of Indian girls who were so repressed in their homes in high school that they went sex crazy in college.

I was repressed in high school and college. I didn't even really like kissing until my sophomore year of college. A lot of women who are second generation immigrants have similar issues. We were taught to stay away from boys.

I think I might still have a problem with that at this age. I don't know that I know how to flirt. Is that why I'm single?

I pushed away many guys in my day. Honestly I was taught to be afraid of men. Am I still afraid?

Now that I think about it, my upbringing complicated by some bad experiences with terrible men has made me afraid of men and maybe a little of sex.

This is not good. This may be why I have gained weight, maybe I don't want to be attractive to the opposite sex. 

But I do, consciously I do. I don't know what my unconscious is up to but it may be sabotaging me. There are women who are all sizes and shapes and degrees of pretty who have boyfriends. Yet me and some amazing and attractive Indian women my age can't seem to find one.

It's true that I never flaunt my sexuality, and never have. I have been told that I look intelligent. I mean there are many people who are smarter than me, but perhaps I'm shoving my smarts in guys' faces. Do I look and act like a prude?

I used to really want to settle down with an Indian guy, but now I'm open to anyone. I don't think I am being overly picky.

I want an educated man with a sense of humor and a heart. However I don't think I'm asking for too much. There have been solid reasons I did not find someone to be with forever in my mid to late twenties...I was on and off my bipolar meds. In my early thirties I was in and out of depression and mania, and then recovering.

What's my excuse now? I'm pretty stable and happy now. I don't exactly look like a supermodel, or a porn star for that matter. 

I think I am the only stopping me from having a serious relationship. Well I have to say: good talk. This was very enlightening for me, I hope it was good for you too.

What am I going to do now? I got to put myself out there, for real. I'm ready. Sometimes it takes some people longer than others.

If you are single like me, and middle aged, you might want to think about this. If you are happy with being single, good for you. I'm happy, but I want a partner in crime. 

If you are coupled with someone, and are happy, count your blessings. It can be hard for those of us who don't have that yet.


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