So the thing is, that after the euphoria of being elated that you are alive, "Life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone..." Oh yeah.
Reality is still reality, even after you have decided to change your own reality. If you understand what I mean. And part of that reality is what is going on in this world. My question is, how much am I supposed to pay attention, and how much should I care about what's happening around the globe? What's the protocol here? I mean I care deeply about people I don't know being tortured and slaughtered. I'm not even being facetious. I'm dead serious, no pun intended. However should I care until the point that it affects my state of mind?
I'm having trouble processing my own existence, how am I supposed to be compassionate to others who have it worse off than me without getting depressed? I'm so busy fighting my own demons, how am I supposed to handle someone else's?
I don't know if it is all brand new, this genocide and terrorism and disease. The world has sort of always pseudo been like this, we just weren't sitting at the edge of our seats watching it for 24 hours straight with only mild commercial interruption.
And the true problems, like child poverty are maybe a little more important than isolated incidences of violence. Just sayin'. I mean it's all important, who is to say what they should and should not report? However they do tend to report shit that makes for good television and ratings. We like drama. It's no fun watching a kid die of hunger while we get fatter.
The world is probably not getting worse, we are just more aware. And with that awareness comes a guilt for the privileged. And maybe rightfully so, we should do something. But what? What is little old me gonna do?
Instead of being upset by it, I should probably get my lazy ass to do something good for someone. I mean maybe just one person. Maybe just one thing. What can I do in my life to touch someone?
The other day I leant a student who couldn't afford a book in my class an extra textbook I found...I want to help one of my students who cannot write a sentence to save her life. I don't just want to grade her, I want to teach her. Honestly she seems like she has had a difficult life.
Besides those two isolated incidences of mild kindness, I don't do shit for anyone. I mean I help my blind father, but who wouldn't lend a hand to a blind man?
I'm not a saint.
I could do more. But I want to be honest with you. It takes me a lot of effort to put on a good show. I can be fabulous, whether it's in what I proclaim when I write, or it's to my students, or if I decide I want to be the life of the party.
The fact is being Nina ain't easy. All my efforts are kinda going towards that right now. Once I figure out how to be the best me with ease and comfort, than I can help other people be themselves.
Even if it is just through my writing and teaching. Sharing a story can be really powerful. Words change people.
But I got to change me first. I gotta help myself. I got to be kind to myself.
I have too much...too many material things and I live what most people in the world would consider an extravagant life. In the circles in which I travel, I'm average. But next to a woman carrying a bucket of water for four miles in a remote village, I ain't doin' so bad.
I'm trying to understand what this life is about. Is it about me being happy and sharing that happiness? Is it about love, loving myself and loving others? Is it all of the above?
I've been through enough to know that life is not about success. I am not traditionally successful. And when I get to be, so what? When I sell that bestseller and someone threatens to kill me because I said something they didn't like about religion...then what?
There is a problem with everything.
I'm OK with peace.
I'm not a Ms. America contestant so I won't say that I want world peace. I'm not even Oprah who can generate world peace.
But what about word peace? All I have sometimes are my words. I hope they give just one person some comfort.
I'm Nina and I'd love some peace of mind for you and for me.