I'm addicted to food. It's true.
You want to know why? Because it tastes good.
I know that may sound too simple. And it is. I have some emotional addiction, I emotionally eat, the food is filling a void in me, etc., etc., etc.
I just can't get over the fact that it tastes so fucking good.
I mean it's that good.
You know, you've eaten. You've all had those moments, where nothing else in the world mattered except what what you were chewing and what was left on your plate. Whether it be Thanksgiving dinner or cheesecake from the Cheesecake factory. You love it just as much as I do.
But you probably have some element of control. That's where I falter. When I like something, I want to keep having it. Hence the addiction to that 'high.'
So what am I going to do about it?
Well I'm gonna try Weight Watchers again...it has worked for me in the past. I know, I know, another diet, another death....
What's gonna be different this time? Well, I'll tell you this, I want to know what's missing inside me, what drives me to this insane behavior with food. I mean I don't want to shrink it out but: I have emotional scars, reasons from my past that I would be addicted to food. But who doesn't have scars from the past, it's just a matter of how you heal your wounds or something.
I mean something inside me is not right, doesn't feel right and that's why I go to food. But it's madness, it's a form of madness.
But so many of us have eating disorders of some kind. I know I'm not alone. In fact it's one o'clock in the morning and I want to eat again. That is how bad it is.
I'm actually eating right now, as I write. It's stressing me out, the eating itself and the thinking about the eating itself. It's sick actually, that left-over shish-kabob can take away that feeling of being alone in the middle of the night or whatever....
But I feel sick afterwards, like now, I just feel stuffed but the emptiness is not gone, it's just like I stuffed it with garbage so it would shut up.
The thing is, I want to change. And I know, I know, the only way to change is to just do it. You know, like Nike, I just need to run. I do you know, need to excersize. But underneath the change of habits, it's like I need to respect my body. Maybe even respect myself more.
So how is it going to be different this time? This Monday, that's when I like to start my dieting resolutions, what will I do that's different than last Monday?
Maybe I'll like myself better. Maybe I'll say to myself: fruit is the new cookie. I bought salad stuff, maybe I'll actually make it. Maybe I'll make it.
It's not like I don't know how to diet, it's just that when you fail at something over and over again, you lose some confidence about it. I know I'm always gonna be addicted to food in some manner, but maybe I'm addicted to the wrong kind of food.
It's not like drinking or drugging, you can't stop eating cold turkey. It's not fair.
I remember when I was in third grade my teacher asked us, "Was there a fairy that came down and whispered in your ear that life was gonna be fair?"