Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Do I love myself?

You know I won't be able to keep the title of my blog forever because I'm gonna be forty....someday....and well that scares the hell out of me.  I thought I'd have kids by now and a husband, I thought I'd have a family.  I guess I have a different kind of family now, I've developed some very good friendships in the last year or so and I cherish them.  I also have my old friends from forever...who will also turn forty someday...I won't name names but you know who you are....

I got something different out of life than what I thought I would get.  I mean I know I'm not done with life and I have a whole bunch of years to complain about the shit that I will get, but right now I'm complaining about this particular shit.  I mean I'm not complaining as much as I am like reflecting.

I could talk about how all I really want from people is love, love from some unknown man who I'll probably divorce, or love from some ungrateful kids who will probably leave me after I put them through college...but instead I got love from me.  I'm the only here in this room right now...ok there is a cat...and much like the cat...and I was telling someone that he could shit on my face and I would probably love him obviously I have no standards when it comes to love.  I will love anybody...anyone but myself.

I mean I kinda love myself, but well actually how do you fall in love with yourself?  And if I love myself, am I two people?  The one that's loving and the one that's being loved?  Then there is the god within me that I love, that's three people.  So there are three beings in this room, four if you count the cat.

Since I don't have a family that I have created, I have my family family, which I love.  But since I don't have like the brady bunch thing goin on, I wonder if I was put on this earth in this life in order to learn how to love me.  I mean I've got good qualities and all that...but do I love, love myself?

Yes and no.  I love that I can say a bunch of random shit and put it online and someone in Thailand  will actually read it.  Yeah, I looked at my blog audience and I'm honored to say that some random individual in Thailand might be reading this.  I love that.

But I don't always love the fact that I feel like a failure sometimes, but that's not me that I'm hating on, it's the feeling that I hate.  I mean I don't like certain things about myself the same way I don't like certain things about my cat, like the fact that he will drink my crystal light if I leave it there, but I could not love the cat more.  So not liking certain parts, does not negate the whole.

So maybe I don't have to like every part of myself, and I can still love the whole.  I don't know but I think I'm gonna try it.  I'm gonna try to love me, regardless.  Regardless of the fact that I will be day.  Regardless of the fact, every fact, regardless of it all.  I love humanity even though some of the people use the word irregardless and I don't think it's a word, but the spell check didn't catch it so I'm wondering.  Regardless of the fact that I spend my time wondering about such things.

Regardless of the fact that this whole post is quite random, and I'm random, but regardless.  It's random that you are reading this, especially if you live in Poland, which by the way I also have an audience member in Poland, ummm, it's special that you care enough to read this.  It makes me love myself a little more.  And if you don't read this...I guess I'll still love you.

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