Happiness

So something strange is happening.  Have you ever heard that song, “Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion,”?  Well, I think I may be becoming happy.

Let me tell you why.  Well first and foremost, if you recall, I made a request to the universe to find some kind of peace or happiness or whatever.  Well, it just so happens that there is something listening out there, because I’m starting to feel fulfilled. 

It all started with me meditating, which just means I started noticing the beauty and oneness in everyone and everything.  That we are all connected I guess, by some blissful source.  It makes me happy to think that, even if I’m wrong and imagining the whole thing, it makes me feel bliss inside.  If I’m imagining the bliss, it’s better than imagining doom or gloom.

Then I started getting up in the morning and writing this very bullshit and spilling my guts to my little world.  The catharsis alone has created clarity in my head.  And thank you again for reading.  It makes me happy to know that I somehow have fallen in love with my audience, because they bother to read my untamed thoughts.  It makes me happy.

Thirdly, I’m in a relationship and as I suspected, it’s just as complicated and lonely to be in a relationship than it is to be single.  I’m just as happy and unhappy in the relationship as I was on my own.  It’s just that he makes me smile, inside.  That’s nice.  He sort of helps to make me happy.

And then after that, I have sincerely become committed to becoming healthy.  I don’t drink Coke zero anymore.  I try not to drink too much wine.  I try not to eat shit.  And I work out on a regular basis.  I’m losing weight, slowly but surely.  But most importantly I’m starting to love my body.  That makes me happy.

And lastly, I’ve started to respect my writing as a whole, as I’ve read over parts of my old novel and written new parts of my new novel.  I also have thought about how I’m going to market my old novel.  I’m going to start writing letters to agents and publishers again.  I’m ready for rejection again.  But most of all I think I’m ready for acceptance. 

There may not be a God, but there is a Universe for sure.  And the universe cooperates with you when you cooperate with it.  I think there is a system, as system of random madness mixed with beautiful routine. 

So some days I wake up at six am and write my heart out.  Some days I stay up late and get up late and feel like I deserve this right now because I don’t have a job. 

By the by, YES I’m still looking for that dreaded word: job.  I have some good leads for jobs as perhaps a writing professor.  In Michigan I have a contact and I may have a contact at Houston University that has like the number two program in the country for a Master’s in Fiction Writing. 

Oh, and my parents are going to India for six weeks, which means I have freedom, privacy and the room to have a possible party.  I’m excited.  Independence is hard, I have learned and will learn again, just as dependence is gruesome. 

Right now I love my life and love myself.  But my journey ain’t over.  It has actually just begun.  You know that song, “We’ve only just begun…”? 

So is happiness just an illusion filled with sadness and confusion?  Yes and No.

nina