Neither here nor there?

                                             

It's five a.m. and I'm neither asleep nor awake.  I should probably not be writing to the "public" in this state, but you know what, we have all been there.  For all I know I could be writing in my sleep, sleep writing could be a condition you know? 

In these states you wonder about things that maybe you would not wonder about if you were totally awake and had consumed the four cups of coffee you require to wake up.  

The sun is rising and I can see the tip of it through my window.  It is neither day nor night.  It's a breathtaking color, a color I have yet to know the name of.   Neither yellow nor blue.  I could look at this forever.  Forget about facts and formulas, the true way to finding beauty is sometimes just staring at the sky and not knowing what color it is.  

These are clues to me, from the universe that I may actually exist and it is not just my imagination.  Are we alive?  I'm serious, how do we know we are alive and not dead?  How do we know we are not characters in someone's dream?  I don't mean just like god's dream, because we kind of are, but how do we know we are not a figment of Joe's imagination.  Maybe Joe is like god's friend.  Maybe Joe is like some complicated alien who can make his dreams and imagination come "alive?"

I know, I know, it's hard enough to believe in a god, much less a Joe.  I mean in all seriousness I do think that it is a possibility that this is death.  I think "real" life may be something else. 
  


Where exactly are we?  Are we here or are we just pretending to be here? Are we pretending to be alive or are we really alive?  Maybe there is another place where we are actually and really alive.

Maybe I'm a nut case. I realize it's official that I am but I wonder about a lot of stuff.  I believe we are here, on this Earth, and simultaneously we are also one with the creator and living in total peace and love.  What I mean is I think our soul actually lives in the realm of the goddess, while our body is just playing out a role in the world.

I wonder if I auditioned to be nina.  I mean how many people wanted this starring role?  I don't believe god just randomly assigned me this part; I think I earned it.  I mean come on: I got it good.  

I'm living in a first world country, I don't have to worry about food and shelter and my biggest problem right now is that my Mac Book Air is not working.  Boo hoo.  Cry me a goddamn river!

I am forced to use my mother's PC, which apparently works just fine once it stops updating every program that it has ever heard of.  

I wonder if I'm forced to live in this world, or if I chose to come down here.  I think I chose it.  I believe we as beings have more autonomy than we might think. 

I in fact believe we design some of our circumstances before we arrive on Earth in order to experience certain things.  According to many books, god knows everything but created us so he could experience everything that he knows. 

I mean like you can know and understand love for a child, but unless you experience it, you won't truly understand it. 

So speaking of children.  I played the OUTJA board with a friend of mine in college.  We found it in a closet in an old house we were renting in San Francisco.  We both decided we were going to try to use the board, and we both swore we wouldn't purposely move the thingy majig bob on there.  Well we both placed our hands on the thingy and it moved.  Tears came down both of our eyes.  We were not purposely moving it.

To make a long story short, we invited a couple of guys to help us understand what was going on the OUTJA board because we were scared and it was night and yada yada.  It turns out every time I went on the board, it would go to the letter: M, then A.  Then there was this heavy swirling that the thingy would do on the board.

What did the "spirit" tell us.  He was saying MA, MA, MA.  He said he was my unborn son.  That is obviously neither here nor there because I don't have a son and I may never have a son, and then again I might have a son.

Do you ever wonder where you were before you were born?  I mean some people think we were nothing.  I don't happen to believe that story.  I think we always existed in some manner.  We were hanging out somewhere before we were born; even if it was in the lap of god.  Perhaps we were in a past life, I happen to believe in reincarnation as well.

Do you think this is all hocus- pocus?  Maybe you think we are alive then we die and turn into nothing.  I can respect that thought process.  I don't buy it for a second, but I can see why some people do.

I sometimes mention how I also do not believe that time exists in the way that we think it does.  I think this concept may be too complex for humans, including myself, to understand fully.  However the word on spiritual street is that there is only one moment: now.  They say the past, present, and future are happening all at the same time. I mean I'm not sure I can wrap my head around how that is possible, how at this very moment I'm sitting here drinking my coffee and also you know like being born or taking my first steps, or engaging in my first kiss (Which was horrible by the way!) and simultaneously having a funeral.

But let's be real for a moment.  We are here.  In this space.  Now.

What are we going to do with that?

I am going to try to be happy.

I don't really have many goals except that one. 

Everything I do, everything I say or write or believe comes back to my desire and need to be happy.

What is happy?

Happy I think is a deep seated contentment.  A love of self and life and others.

Am I happy?

Sort of. 

I need to work on it a bit.  I need to expand my happiness. 

I don't care anymore if I was happy in the past…I care a little more if I'm happy in the future.  Mostly I just want to be happy now.  Now turns into the past and future real fast.  It's so fascinating. 

Some say happiness is a decision.  I'm finding that to be more and more true.  I decide how happy I am.  Period.  No one can take that away from me.

Having said that, if you are living in say an abusive relationship in a war torn country or something...how can you be happy?

I don't know.  There are just things we will never know.  There are many things about this fucked up universe that I just don't get. 

But let's be honest, if you are reading this most likely your problems are dealable.  I mean they may not be, and maybe you are in a place of crises.  If you are please know: this too shall pass.  If you are not living in a disaster, then know that you may have the ability to be happy in this life. 

I know there are "negative" people.  I am very familiar with them.  I know there are cynical people, I'm also aware of them.  Those people can still be happy. 

It's not impossible.  In I think South Korea or maybe it was North Korea... it was there or there...I heard that there are concentration camps in this day and age.  The U.N. said that they are now aware of them and if the world does nothing to stop that madness, don't say they didn't tell you.  The world can't claim ignorance when the U.N. is blatantly documenting people being tortured on a daily basis.

I would love to help stop things like that from happening and make the world happy.  I can't. 

I can only work on me and maybe lift a couple people up around me.  I wish to write books.  My dream:  I'm riding a bus somewhere and a random person comes up to me and says your writing changed my life.  That's it, one person.  One person and my dream is done.

One person is changed for the better because I inspired them in some kind of way and I've done my work here. 

I'm not there yet.

I don't know what dreams are yet to come here in this space.  Or there, in the space I have yet to discover.

nina

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