Hair and Heroines

Are you grossed out? Be honest. I told my students in my Composition I class to be honest when I showed them a slew of pictures of unshaven Sikh women from kaurlife.org and the Huffington Post.

"I'm grossed out," said a one woman and one man in my class. "I think it's beautiful," said another red-headed woman. She told us she had scars on her body and her boyfriend thought they were lovely. He loved her imperfections. "I don't mind," said another European man in my class.

Is hair even an imperfection if everyone has it?

Sikhs are not supposed to cut their hair or shave their body. They happen to think that's perfect. 

After reading the article in kaurlife.org, the same man who said he was grossed out said he respected these women and were inspired by their strength. The woman who said she was also not comfortable with the sight, said she sort of changed her mind about it when she read the article.  These women had overcome bullying and taunting from the general public.

Both of these students said however, that if someone is doing something just for their religion or their society, they don't respect it as much as if the women were just doing it for themselves.

Hold on a minute, if someone wears a turban just for their religion, maybe not even for themselves, I still respect it. I think respect has to be given to everyone's beliefs. If they are doing it for their religion, maybe they believe is what god wants, aren't they doing it for themselves too?

I mean I get the kids' point, that if the women are keeping their hair because they think it makes them beautiful and real and helps them express who they really are, respect should be given. If they are only doing it to please god it seems rather dicey. However respect is still due I believe.

There was a Sikh woman I once met who didn't shave her legs or underarms because she was a feminist. I thought she was awesome. Was she doing it for herself, or for this belief in feminism or for or sort of against society norms? Where is her self in all this?

"Women should not have to follow society's idea of what their bodies should look like," the student with the scars added. 

I agree. I'm Sikh but I still cut my hair, shave my legs and underarms and thread my eyebrows and take care of my facial hair. Am I weak?

I mean I think I look maybe pretty or something without a mustache, however I completely respect those women who think it makes no difference. 

It's tragic that we live in a society that wants them to feel ugly. I remember this woman who didn't know what to do about her daughter who could possibly have a condition that made her grow extra facial hair.  She didn't know if she should give her daughter this medicine that would make it go away. Her worry was that Sikhs think of hair as a gift from god.

I did not cut the hair on my head until I was twenty-six. I did however shave all my 'unwanted' hair starting at the age of twelve. I consider myself a Sikh, although I am by no means religious. I consider myself a feminist as well, although by no means am I a good one.

I guess my idea of beauty still involves hair styles and hairless faces and bodies and make-up. I understand that god didn't make me naturally that way. However, in my humble opinion we do a lot of unnatural things...However I have deep respect for my Sikh sisters who don't touch a razor or scissors to their hair. I hope they equally have respect for my opinion.

I walk around with the name Kaur (a Sikh last name for women) and I do not do it to identify as a Sikh, I chose it as my pen name because it is my middle name. And it means princess. And I'm a princess. However I don't sit here trying to represent the views of everyone in my religion. I only represent my views.

I told a dude to call me princess once and he said he would never because he didn't believe in aristocracy. Well I believe in feminism and I'm still a princess looking for her Singh, or lion. As sexist and old fashioned as that sounds.

You can call me a hypocrite, because I don't follow like one thing or whatever. Call me anything you want. I'm complex.

I don't have to go by your standards and you don't have to go by mine. We are all free.

Thank god for that...

nina

Beauty Marks

It is the absolute dead of winter.  Six more weeks according to the groundhog.  I don't even know what to do with myself.

How do you stay positive in the midst of this storm? I mean literally the storm. I used to drink more, but now I'm trying to be 'healthy.'

I put it in quotes because I bet you are trying too. I have to admit I ate fries at the college yesterday, they came with my sandwich. I still feel a bit sick because of it. 

Winter makes me want to eat. Let's be honest everything makes me want to eat. However, the fact that my car got stuck in a snowbank on my circular drive yesterday, when I was already late for work, did not surprisingly upset me as much as it could of.

I'm getting better at this toleration of life thing. I'm better able to flow with the mishaps. We had a discussion about plastic surgery in my class last night. Two of my students have had breast augmentations. We also had a debate about the legalization of prostitution. One of my students said she would become a prostitute if it were legal.

I gave this talk about how I've never been fatter, but I've never been happier. That when I was their age, I was so insecure about my body, which was in great shape, and I was insecure about who I was as a person.

I didn't like myself then and I objectively looked better then. I like myself better now and I have more wrinkles and fat. What exactly happened?

When you have to rely more on who you are then what you look like, in my experience, you become a better person. What does 'better' mean? I'm not as afraid of who I really am, and I'm able to express it better.

I laugh more then I have ever laughed before.  Because I can let go in a way I never could before. 

I am not saying that being objectively beautiful makes you a bad person. I'm not saying that at all. I know some brilliant beautiful people. However in my personal story, I've grown a lot after struggling with weight and struggling with my own peace of mind as well.

Ugliness is not the key to happiness anymore than beauty is. I will admit I was never hit by the ugly stick, so I don't even know what that is like. But I get up some mornings and look at the bags under my eyes and wonder how I got to look so scary.

Then I laugh. 

I mean I just don't care that much. Yes, I put on my concealer and I'm on my way. I hate to be cliche, again, but beauty really is only skin deep. 

Do I think I'm beautiful, just physically? Yes.

I could look a hell of a lot better, but I can see my real self through the mirror.

Do I think I'm beautiful as a whole person? Hell yeah. 

Sometimes these winter storms get you to think, think about things maybe we would not have time to think about if it were always sunshine and rainbows. 

nina

The gods must be crazy...

Let's say god is a dude. When I say dude I'm actually not implying male 'cause I call my gal pals dude as well. 

So let's say she's a dude. A relatively cool dude. Perhaps I shouldn't use the word dude when addressing god. But I will anyways.

I was told by a former friend of mine to stop using bullshit words like ain't in my blog.  She said it essentially made me sound stupid.

Maybe I am stupid.

I know one thing though, if I want to talk like a regular person I ain't afraid of looking dumb. I'm not that insecure about my intelligence.

Anyways, so the dude, the big dude, the one, the only, the magnificent is actually real in my eyes.

People have told me that perhaps I need god to feel secure, that it's a crutch and there is no god. I respect that opinion. I think I do need it, but I don't think it is unreal. That is my humble opinion.

Having said that I think our understanding of god is unreal. We don't think of him like a dude, like he's accessible. Like a gal pal.

My god is my friend. 

What does that mean you ask? I talk to god as if I would talk to one of my besties. I don't address him as Sir and watch my p's and q's.

I also don't blame god for shit. The weather is bad today because I chose to live in the midwest, not because god is trying to torture me. Most of the things that go wrong in my life are man made or woman made I should say.  

And I believe in karma, so the stuff I can't explain like having a chemical imbalance in my brain, I cough up to karma. I mean I don't think I was some kind of villain in a past life, but maybe I made mistakes.

I don't know.  It's all conjecture at this point and hardly matters. Now matters.

So back to the goddess. I like to think she's a badass. yes, i used that word to describe god.   

I like to think god is like kinda human-ish. Of course I'm totally wrong, he's not as twisted as we are. I used to think he was just as messed up as the rest of us and that was why the world was in this state. But it has occurred to me that he would say he gave us total free will and the reason stuff sucks is because we in fact created the mess and he promised not to interfere. 

So I tend to think that god doesn't suck. But the real question is, what is my relationship to god? 

When I meditate I feel like I'm meditating to a force of love, of unconditional love. In fact many times I'm elated when and after I meditate. 

I feel joy and bliss when I think about my connection to the universe. I don't think of god as judging me, I judge myself. I'm the biggest judger of them all, she is not.

I don't think goddess is ever mad at me. I in fact get mad at her sometimes. Truly you only really get angry at the ones you love.

i love god.

We all kind of know that god loves us, but it's a remote sort of knowledge. How do you actually feel that love?

I think that being present in the moment is loving. What I mean by that is if you love these moments that are essentially a gift from god, and you live in this moment and not another one, you will feel love.

Why you ask?

I don't know, it just works out that way for me. If I am here and present, and not stuck in some problem of the past or future, I'm free.

What does being free have to do with god?

Everything. Free will is our biggest gift. We can do whatever the hell we want and we shall reap the results of what we do. 

I know, I know, I'm a hippie and when I say that love is all there is you might roll your eyes. Love is all there is. 

We came here to love. Each other and the whole creation.

You know what I will say next: god is love.

i am love.

I don't even know you, but I might love you if I got to know you.

So I think if you are wondering if you are doing right by god, just love someone or something with all of you. Don't hold back.

Yes, you might get hurt. Do it anyways.

It's the only thing worth doing.

nina

hey me!

I'm sitting by the window watching the snow fall. It is quite peaceful.  

I was watching Super Soul Sunday and Oprah said that real success is some sort of self actualization. What does that mean?

What does knowing yourself, accepting yourself and eventually loving yourself really look like? How does it happen?

I mean sure, I'm a nice enough person. But I still think ill thoughts about other people. People I love. What's wrong with me?

Do I like myself? 

Yeah-ish. 

I'm currently annoyed at my mother because she wants me to stand up because there is a certain prayer called Ardaas that's playing on her CD player and you are supposed to stand up during this prayer. I'm sitting on the couch and I don't want to stand up. 

She's offended. 

Besides being a lazy person, I can be selfish, self-centered and mean.

I have good qualities too.  I'd rather not list them because it feels vain. However, there are things to like. 

So how does one become one's own friend? I should do nice things for myself, like maybe my laundry before I have to go commando because I'm out of clean underwear. 

My self talk could be kinder. I've never really tried affirmations. Saying things in the mirror to yourself like, "I am great!" seems odd, it's not me. I'd rather be honest with myself. I don't know about great, but I'm good. I just am and that should be enough. I am that I am.

Who said there are requirements that you be outstanding in this life? As the Counting Crows said, "We all want to be big, big stars...we all got different reasons for that." 

I mean there is a part of me that wants to be a star. I want the world to read my stuff and love it. 

However in the end that does not mean those people that love my writing will love me. It won't help me love myself.

What will help me love myself? I kinda think these are the hard questions you have to ask yourself if you want to truly be happy. I mean I like Nina, if I weren't her I would want to be her friend. That's a start. 

I love that statement: I'm OK, you're OK. It's so untrue and true, none of us are OK and all of us are OK.  However it makes me feel like there is hope that everything is OK. 

In this moment, I'm listening to the kirtan or religious hymns my mother is playing in the kitchen behind me. I'm sitting in a high-ceiling room with floor to ceiling wall of windows watching the snow pour down.

What could possibly be wrong with that? And I'm writing which makes me feel whole. 

I mean I don't have a million dollars, I'm barely a thousandaire. I recently lost one of my best friends to a severe mental illness. A myriad of things have gone wrong....

But I will be alright. And this person, this person that will be OK, I'm starting to think she's OK in my book.

Thanks for reading my book.

nina 

Reality Bites

So the thing is, that after the euphoria of being elated that you are alive, "Life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone..."  Oh yeah.

Reality is still reality, even after you have decided to change your own reality.  If you understand what I mean.  And part of that reality is what is going on in this world.  My question is, how much am I supposed to pay attention, and how much should I care about what's happening around the globe? What's the protocol here?  I mean I care deeply about people I don't know being tortured and slaughtered.  I'm not even being facetious. I'm dead serious, no pun intended. However should I care until the point that it affects my state of mind?

I'm having trouble processing my own existence, how am I supposed to be compassionate to others who have it worse off than me without getting depressed?  I'm so busy fighting my own demons, how am I supposed to handle someone else's?

I don't know if it is all brand new, this genocide and terrorism and disease.  The world has sort of always pseudo been like this, we just weren't sitting at the edge of our seats watching it for 24 hours straight with only mild commercial interruption.  

And the true problems, like child poverty are maybe a little more important than isolated incidences of violence.  Just sayin'.  I mean it's all important, who is to say what they should and should not report?  However they do tend to report shit that makes for good television and ratings.  We like drama.  It's no fun watching a kid die of hunger while we get fatter.

The world is probably not getting worse, we are just more aware. And with that awareness comes a guilt for the privileged. And maybe rightfully so, we should do something. But what? What is little old me gonna do?
   
Instead of being upset by it, I should probably get my lazy ass to do something good for someone.  I mean maybe just one person. Maybe just one thing. What can I do in my life to touch someone?

The other day I leant a student who couldn't afford a book in my class an extra textbook I found...I want to help one of my students who cannot write a sentence to save her life.  I don't just want to grade her, I want to teach her.  Honestly she seems like she has had a difficult life.  

Besides those two isolated incidences of mild kindness, I don't do shit for anyone.  I mean I help my blind father, but who wouldn't lend a hand to a blind man?  

I'm not a saint.

I could do more.  But I want to be honest with you.  It takes me a lot of effort to put on a good show.  I can be fabulous, whether it's in what I proclaim when I write, or it's to my students, or if I decide I want to be the life of the party.  

The fact is being Nina ain't easy.  All my efforts are kinda going towards that right now. Once I figure out how to be the best me with ease and comfort, than I can help other people be themselves.

Even if it is just through my writing and teaching.  Sharing a story can be really powerful.  Words change people.

But I got to change me first.  I gotta help myself.  I got to be kind to myself.  

I have too much...too many material things and I live what most people in the world would consider an extravagant life.  In the circles in which I travel, I'm average. But next to a woman carrying a bucket of water for four miles in a remote village, I ain't doin' so bad. 

I'm trying to understand what this life is about.  Is it about me being happy and sharing that happiness?  Is it about love, loving myself and loving others?  Is it all of the above?  

I've been through enough to know that life is not about success.  I am not traditionally successful.  And when I get to be, so what? When I sell that bestseller and someone threatens to kill me because I said something they didn't like about religion...then what?

There is a problem with everything.  

Except peace.

I'm OK with peace.  

I'm not a Ms. America contestant so I won't say that I want world peace. I'm not even Oprah who can generate world peace.

But what about word peace?  All I have sometimes are my words.  I hope they give just one person some comfort. 

I'm Nina and I'd love some peace of mind for you and for me.

nina

'Cause I'm Happy

I don't know, I'm a little scared to be honest.  I think I might be happy. Isn't that a mind fuck?  I don't even know how to proceed. It's new territory for me.  

Because this is different than before. I've been happy before, but it's always been fleeting and mixed with disillusionment.  This is a sort of sustained happiness and it's for no particular reason, although every reason matters.

Reasons like the fact that I love my job, I mean don't get me wrong. I have twenty rough drafts I have to give feedback on and I don't wanna.  It's still a job.  However, overall it makes me feel good. I'm an English Professor and it's soo much better for me than being an English Teacher. 

Another reason I'm happy is I love my friends, I've brought good people into my life, or they have appeared magically.  I like to think I willed it to happen.  Some of these are people I've known for decades, some are new. 

But the real reason I'm happy has to do with happiness itself.  I have been meditating, asking the universe for happiness. Sometimes I meditate for an hour, sometimes ten minutes. Apparently the universe is alive and well and still giving out gifts.  

Don't get me wrong.  I still want to be thin, find a man to love and get a more stable job.  However I've discovered that if I'm happy without those things, think of how happy I can be with those things?

Things like that come and go, beauty fades, men leave you or die, and eventually you lose your job or retire.  Nothing is forever, but the happiness part can be.  

I am aware that I'm not the first person to discover this. Yet it still feels fresh and new to me.  It's lovely. I encourage you to try it.

So how does one become happy?  

It's a decision.  And when that decision is made, certain unhappy things need to be changed.  That might mean your job, or your significant other.  The part where happiness takes over, and it's the most important thing in your life, is the part where things get challenging.

I don't like my body right now.  So I stopped eating out every day. I want to continue to be happy so I have to change the way I deal with food and exercise.  It isn't easy to be on a healthy eating plan. I won't use the word diet, cause that's just another word for failure.  

Everything is now revolving around this happiness thing.  Like I met with an old friend the other day and realized, she's brilliant and I would like to be closer to her.  She's been there all along, however my new happiness radar has drawn me to notice her. I've also recently met some amazing new people.

Whereas there are other people in my life that in the past year or so, I have disconnected from.  Sometimes it was not my choice to abandon them, however it turned out for the best for me in the long run. Now that I think about it, this happiness quest has been going on for a long time.

The quest is old, the reality is new. Yes I'm totally afraid it will all go away and be ripped from my very being. It's funny, what if I'm not happy, I just think I'm happy?  What would be the difference?

I suppose if I was engaging in unhealthy behavior and thought I was happy but really wasn't, you know those people...But this is real as far as I can tell. 

What if you don't have anything to be happy about?  

I've been there.  In fact if I focused on my 'flaws' and the negative aspects of my life, I could go right back there.  It's a shift of focus. 

If you are in a horrific situation you cannot get out of, I'm sorry. I also believe you can change things, if only just how you react to the situation. I haven't been everywhere though, I don't know what everything is like.  However there is a common thread with pain, usually one can change something in life to make it better.

A lot of my pain was a chemical imbalance of depression or something, although I have not changed my medicines. So did I change my very chemistry by deciding to be happy?  And when and how did I decide? 

It happened slowly, gradually. It's a quest I've been on since adolescence. It doesn't have to take you years though. It can happen spontaneously. If you decide it can happen instantaneously. 

You can just decide to be happy no matter what happens.   


It's funny that I just said that.  It was demonstrated to me in this moment, how slippery a slope I'm on.  I almost thought I just lost everything I just wrote above because I pressed a delete button on a file. I was about to lose my shit. 

Yeah, I would have been pissed as hell. However, being angry and being happy with life in general are two states that can coexist.  I love and hate computers, these two feelings exist together, why can't complete shit and complete happiness exist together?

Like the lotus flower that blossoms in the dirty swamp people...I hate to be cliche. But sometimes it's appropriate.  

It is shitty that it took me thirty nine years to come to this place. However it is wonderful that I came to this place at all, many people never do.  I will focus on the fabulous if that's OK with you.

What are you focusing on?  

nina

The Sound of Car Music...

So I'm at the mall, a three story mall, Somerset Mall in Troy, Michigan. I'm leaving through the parking lot in a hurry because I'm meeting someone for lunch.  So I get out to the parking lot and discover that I can't remember where my car is.  Or can I?  

I swear I parked not too far away from the door.  So I start pressing the lock button on my remote for my car and I hear it.  It sounds vaguely far away.  I walk around in circles three times trying to follow this sound, but I can't find my car and I swear I parked here. Then the sound mysteriously disappears.  Where did it go, where am I?

We've all had moments like these where we are dumb founded by how dumb we are.  

I'm about to give up and call someone to pick me up, when it dawns on me that I parked on the third floor and I'm on the second floor. Those car lock sounds I was following like a fool were coming from one floor above.  

I was madly following the sound of my car.  The sound of that music from one floor above.  I'm was relieved when I discovered what was going on, but annoyed.  I wasn't even late but I have this thing about being obsessively on time.  

I guess the point of this story is I got really upset and it felt like someone was playing a joke on me when I heard the sounds of my car but couldn't see it.  

Do you ever have those moments where you think the universe is playing these odd jokes on you.  I mean if I was watching myself on a T.V. show mysteriously following the sound of my beeping car, I might think it was funny. 

It's a remotely funny story.  It drove me MAD!  There was actual sweat on my brow when I finally got to my car and it's like thirty degrees outside.

This would have been a good moment for me to laugh at myself and laugh at the universe for making things a little odd and interesting.  Why are these moments so much better after they are over?

I should appreciate the small little happenings as they come.  I shouldn't be mad.  I should be glad.  Glad that I have the luxury to spend money on make-up at an expensive mall.  Glad that if I called a friend they would have picked me up.  Glad that I have a car to actually lose.  

But really I should be glad that I'm lucky enough to notice that I should be glad.  I got to stop being mad at the moment, the moment is mine.  The moment is yours.

nina