Beauty Marks

It is the absolute dead of winter.  Six more weeks according to the groundhog.  I don't even know what to do with myself.

How do you stay positive in the midst of this storm? I mean literally the storm. I used to drink more, but now I'm trying to be 'healthy.'

I put it in quotes because I bet you are trying too. I have to admit I ate fries at the college yesterday, they came with my sandwich. I still feel a bit sick because of it. 

Winter makes me want to eat. Let's be honest everything makes me want to eat. However, the fact that my car got stuck in a snowbank on my circular drive yesterday, when I was already late for work, did not surprisingly upset me as much as it could of.

I'm getting better at this toleration of life thing. I'm better able to flow with the mishaps. We had a discussion about plastic surgery in my class last night. Two of my students have had breast augmentations. We also had a debate about the legalization of prostitution. One of my students said she would become a prostitute if it were legal.

I gave this talk about how I've never been fatter, but I've never been happier. That when I was their age, I was so insecure about my body, which was in great shape, and I was insecure about who I was as a person.

I didn't like myself then and I objectively looked better then. I like myself better now and I have more wrinkles and fat. What exactly happened?

When you have to rely more on who you are then what you look like, in my experience, you become a better person. What does 'better' mean? I'm not as afraid of who I really am, and I'm able to express it better.

I laugh more then I have ever laughed before.  Because I can let go in a way I never could before. 

I am not saying that being objectively beautiful makes you a bad person. I'm not saying that at all. I know some brilliant beautiful people. However in my personal story, I've grown a lot after struggling with weight and struggling with my own peace of mind as well.

Ugliness is not the key to happiness anymore than beauty is. I will admit I was never hit by the ugly stick, so I don't even know what that is like. But I get up some mornings and look at the bags under my eyes and wonder how I got to look so scary.

Then I laugh. 

I mean I just don't care that much. Yes, I put on my concealer and I'm on my way. I hate to be cliche, again, but beauty really is only skin deep. 

Do I think I'm beautiful, just physically? Yes.

I could look a hell of a lot better, but I can see my real self through the mirror.

Do I think I'm beautiful as a whole person? Hell yeah. 

Sometimes these winter storms get you to think, think about things maybe we would not have time to think about if it were always sunshine and rainbows. 

nina