I don't know why my genitalia must be exposed for my brain to work. However there is something meditative about these rituals. When you are doing something that doesn't require any thought on your part, thoughts start to flow in.
Like when I'm driving, or on the treadmill I sometimes have my best epiphanies. When it comes to aha moments, where do you have your best ones?
Where do you think the best?
I'm not sure if I think the best sitting at my desk at my computer. Maybe I should dance when I'm thinking. My mind should dance more.
I'm at Starbucks listening to some bad music they picked out. I need to talk to the owner about this music, it's loud and obnoxious. It may be getting in the way of my brilliant thoughts. I think that's why I'm not having any.
Blame it on the music. Blame it on the rain. Remember Milli Vanilli? I think one of them killed themselves, is that right? I just checked, it's right. It's funny how you don't have to wonder about many things anymore because of google. I mean if google doesn't have the answer than you will truly never know.
You know I've been meditating lately, because if I don't I end up worrying about random things, like the band member in Milli Vanilli that killed himself. I mean was it Milli or Vanilli? Did they actually identify one of them as Milli and the other as Vanilli? And if I'm actually concerned about the answer to these things does it mean I really have no life?
I woke up at the crack ass of dawn today because I was having nightmares about a couple of my students who might fail. Why am I staying up nights worrying about them? They didn't do the work, so it's their own damn fault. They don't answer my emails when I ask them for work, so I've done my part.
However the things we worry about can take over our very selves. We worry about things we have no business worrying about. Like what other people think of us, or what the future will be like.
I'm having a dilemma lately about whether or not I should move to get a new job. All the professor jobs I'm looking for are out of town. The thing is I'm kinda happy here, in this Podunk town in Michigan (by the way Podunk is an actual word in spellcheck). I guess if I can be happy in the middle of Michigan, maybe I can be happy anywhere.
Yet it took me 39 years to get happy here, how long will it take me somewhere else? However, maybe I will just show up to the new place happy and then happy things will happen to me.
What do you worry about? What keeps you up at night? Are they crazy thoughts? I wouldn't be surprised, most of us are a wreck when it comes to thinking.
I'm trying not to be such a mess with my thinking, but it's hard. The mind goes where it goes. I think about my laundry when I should be writing my book, and think about writing my book when I'm doing my laundry. I can't seem to get it right.
The dishes are piling in the sink, and I've got pages more to write. I've got to lose weight but I'm hungry for some chocolate. That's the way it goes, right?
It's not right. It's mostly wrong.
But it is what it is. We are what we are.
We are made with this huge brain to think with, and we waste it away worrying about trivial matters. I'm going to try to only think about things that matter, I mean I'm going to try.
What matters though? I'm not sure. I matter. That's all I know.
nina
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