being no body

Sometimes I don't think of myself as a physical person, as a being with a body. I think I'm something else.  What exactly, I don't know.  I walk around my living room sometimes as if I am a spirit. 

But as non-human as I like to think I am, I'm very much a regular gal.  I use words like gal.  I am told I don't always sound like I have an education.  I'm looked at funny when I say I don't care.

My grammar sucks and I can't spell to save my life.  But I want to say something.  And I will.  Fuckin' words won't stop me.  Even bad words.  Words I'm not supposed to say.  

I'm supposed to be a good girl.  I am.  Sometimes.  Most of the time I fall between the cracks of good and bad.  Most of the time I sit in between time.  

I don't make sense.  I might even go as far as to say I'm a freak.  

Ha ha.  I laugh at my own jokes.

I will laugh at yours.  I have charisma.  I don't have too much patience.  I'm slow...I don't walk fast.  God forbid I run.  I have flat feet.  

What's your name?  They ask me that sometimes, people.  I want to say someone else's name.  I want to say I'm a goddess with no god.  I want to say hello in five different languages.  

I barely understand this language.  I'm funny.  I'm fat.  I'm free.

Don't judge me...love me instead.  I talk to you because I don't know me.  I say this to you, because I could never say it to myself.  

I want to be ahead, ahead of myself.  There is this race in my head.  I'm trying to only compete with myself.  This race, where am I trying to go? 

I want to be myself, mostly free of my own bullshit.  

Mostly, mostly...I am me.  

nina